The Trouble with Timelines
by Fizzy 13
Summary: The whole mess starts with a little twist on Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody... And you thought an oblivious Haruhi was bad enough... Don't forget to drop a review!
1. Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody, Take 738

AN: A feeble attempt at writing something that even holds a moot point, inspired by the depression following the reading of some pointless bean curd called "Haruhi Suzumiya Goes to Canada", which sounds something like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington", but reads worse than "Freddy Got Fingered". Academics have kept me from reading Volumes 5-8, so particular points of interest include the fact that I'm unaware of quite a few things. Correct me if I'm wrong. Also, several concepts in further chapters are of my personal input, presumably inspired by the depression of reading something like HSGtC.

Disclaimer: All rights reserved to Tanigawa-san et al. I'm just one of those guys who wish they were as big a genius he is.

**The Trouble with Timelines**

By Fizzy 13

**Prologue: Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody, Take 738**

Okay, she's snoring. I took another glance at Asahina-san as she rested on my shoulder, fast asleep. If ever humanity were to be graced with seeing an angel at rest, this would probably be the closest thing to such a moment.

The sudden rustling of the bushes interrupted my brief moment of Elysium. My head snapped over to face the shaken greenery. Who could it be? A peeping tom? One of the patrolmen? If somebody found us like this, I suppose I could just say she was my sister. And then there was still the issue of verifying whether or not I really did travel to three years ago.

"Right on the money!"

I knew that voice. It was one of those I kept in mind wherever I went, if only to serve as an early warning system that wasn't really worth much as the owner always stayed a step ahead.

Out from the bushes emerged none other than Haruhi Suzumiya. And she didn't look three years younger, either. Could Asahina-san have lied?

"She's not lying, Kyon," Haruhi seemed rather gloomy in comparison to her usual excited self.

And if she's not lying, then why aren't you in middle school? "Wait, how did you even know about that?"

"Everything's come full circle," was the only reply. "Now I understand."

You understand? Understand what? I don't even understand what I'm doing here! Asahina-san just invited me to travel back to three years ago, but now I see you, who don't match what your appearance would be three years ago, here, but you say it _is_ three years ago. I found myself even more confused than ever.

"I knew you looked familiar. And now it makes sense. You were time traveling back then, weren't you? Or should I say now?" Haruhi closed her eyes and smirked as though she'd fallen for some sort of prank. Another peculiarity. "Perhaps I should start calling you John, then."

John? Why in the hell would you call me that? Could you do me a favor and please start explaining what this whole thing is about? I started sweating. Or maybe I only noticed my sweat now. Either way, the heat of the summer night wasn't making things any better. Haruhi looked straight into my eyes. There was something about her that seemed very off, as though her brain had been replaced with somebody else's. Another one of Nagato's doings? "Look, I really have no idea of what you're talking abou-"

"Of course you don't, baka!" she yelled. "You haven't done it yet!"

"Done what yet?"

"Being John Smith!"

Again with this John nonsense. Suffice to say, I was somewhat relieved that this whole racket hadn't awakened Asahina-san from her slumber. Knowing that sweet, clumsy girl, she would probably just pass out again if she saw Haruhi here, three years ago, and telling me that I was somebody I hadn't even met. Maybe this was some kind of prank the two were playing on me? Still, that didn't explain that nauseating nap I had awhile earlier.

"How did you get here, anyway?"

"Isn't it obvious? I time traveled!"

Now that I think about it, if Haruhi is telling the truth about this being three years ago, then she probably forced Asahina-san to bring her along. But apparently, Asahina-san is completely unaware of our crazy Brigade Commander's presence. That would mean that the only way for her to get here without Asahina-san's assistance would be… My heart leapt up into my mouth. That can't be right! When did she find out?

"Oh, just recently."

Don't sound so casual about it! That's like being indifferent to the fact that you hold the fate of the world in the palm of your hand! Wait… that's exactly what it is! This is just great. Haruhi, do you have any idea how bothersome you were when you _didn't_ know that the world revolved around you? And now you're telling me you know about that fact? Just what exactly do you have planned now that you know you're God or something?

She continued to stare at me. "What, is there something in my eye?"

"No." That girl, the cause of all the trouble I've been experiencing for the past what - three months? – became even gloomier. "I'm sorry it has to happen this way, John."

So now you're apologizing for even more things and inconsistencies that I can't even begin to comprehend in the slightest. What am I doing here, supposedly three years ago, with you, who are now fully aware of your world-shattering power? Hell, you know what? I've gotten everything down pat to a single, ultimate question. Why me?

"Even I don't know that yet."

Of course you don't know! You didn't know _anything_ until… whenever it was that you found out you were special! And you still haven't told me what you're so apologetic before. This completely out-of-character incident has got me more messed up than any of your absurd antics.

Haruhi hung her head, looking down at the pathway as if embarrassed in the middle of a confession of love. What was missing, of course, was the slight hint of red. Or maybe I just didn't see it in the general darkness. Knowing her, it could probably be any reason at all, other than love. And could somebody _please_ explain this whole John Smith thing to me?

"Some things… some things have to be given up… for the sake of others."

Oh great, now she's being Confucius. Something was telling me that this mystery was only going to get deeper. Something was also consistently yelling at me, saying Haruhi's unusual composure was going to lead to something very wrong in the near future… or recent past… or… never mind.

Haruhi stretched out her arm in an eerily familiar way, palm facing forward, fingers splayed as far as they can go. The only other person I've seen to do that would be… Nagato? There was no chanting of any reversed SQL encoding, no flash of blinding light. Haruhi only stood there, arm still outstretched towards me… was that a tear in her eye?

"Oi, Haruhi! What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm sorry, John," she shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Drops of what suspiciously resembled tears began to flow down her cheeks. "Really, I am. But I have no other choice."

And that was when I noticed the effects of her magical mystery pose. I began to feel weightlessness. Just what exactly was she doing to me? I almost screamed as I checked my hands. They were starting to fade out! And not just them, my entire body was slowly beginning to vanish! What the HELL is the meaning of this, you crazy bitch!?

"Maybe someday, if you're born again… you'll understand."

Born again, eh? If I'm born again after this, I hope to that pompous bastard who lives upstairs that I don't run into you. You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Maybe it's because my brain's almost gone or something. I checked up on my arms, which I could barely feel anymore. That's what I thought. No more solid than a plume of smoke.

Haruhi approached me at this point, swallowing a lump in her throat, salty drops slowly running down the sides of her face. Coupled with my current situation, I would probably say that that is the most terrifying image I will ever see.

She whispered something into my assumedly disappearing ear. Maybe it was because I couldn't hear it anymore since my eardrum was already gone by now, or maybe because my brain was almost completely wiped out of existence. Whichever it was, whatever she said didn't register at all. Based on what Haruhi had been saying and how she had been acting for the past minutes, it could have been anything.

The last thing I saw before everything went black was Haruhi, her face one of pain or regret or some other negative emotion, turning away and disappearing into the darkness.

------

TBC…

AN: Some serious OOC-ness on Haruhi's part, and somehow, Mikuru was completely dropped from the scene somewhere in the middle of the conversation. Far from perfect, I know, but yes, that was intentional. Should I continue this sometime soon, you'll see just what the crap is going on.


	2. In Soviet Russia, Time Travels YOU!

AN: Enow, another piece to add to the puzzle.

Disclaimer: Tanigawa-san owns every character you've read in the books/seen in the anime/manga/various Haruhiistic paraphernalia. I own a computer and a will to write fanfics involving them.

Chapter 1: In Soviet Russia, Time Travels _YOU!!_

It was an afternoon like any other. Which meant, of course, that if you were, like myself, trapped in a bizarre, officially unrecognized, rag-tag club consisting of Agent Smith's niece, Aphrodite and Cronus' lovechild, Edgar Cayce's clone, all commanded by God's own evil twin sister, then you have as bad luck as I do. Then again, there's really no other place on this planet where you will find such a weird collection of individuals. Hell, maybe in this entire universe.

Reading a book in her usual seat at the table was Yuki Nagato. Once more, she had her full attention sitting somewhere between the pages of her thick hardback book, which this time, appeared to be some kind of Russian sci-fi. Gods know who wrote it or what it was about, but one thing was certain: it was enough to acquire her interest. Her present, and indeed, practically permanent, frozen composure would put even the gargoyles of Notre Dame to shame.

Performing her duties as the official maid was Mikuru Asahina. To anybody concerned, brewing and serving tea was normally _not_ the most prominent task given a maid, but I suppose, like just about everything else when it came to this organization, the definition of a maid's priorities here were an exception. It's not like I'm complaining. Asahina-san's tea… it's not normal either… in a good light, that is. This stuff has been kissed by angels, blessed by fairies, and taste tested by the expert tongues of those who dwell in Valhalla. A little flowery, I know, but she deserves every bit of flattery I can muster!

On his latest of Othello losing streaks against me would be Itsuki Koizumi. Words cannot describe my utter… contempt… no, that wasn't it… rage… hatred… I give up. Let me restate that: Words cannot describe how negatively I feel about this fellow. Not only do I suspect that he knows these things, I also suspect that he's into provoking them. Why? Well, who knows, really? Why should I bother attempting to understand a conundrum as vague as this relatively handsome face, constantly polluted by a perpetual pseudo-smile?

And ranting off about some new, mad scheme that she planned to initiate as soon as inhumanly possible, was none other than our very own resident insane dictatress, Haruhi Suzumiya. My first impression of her was a weird, but nevertheless striking girl. The three mentioned beforehand have given me their own impressions, as well. A post-human capable of rewriting the very code that the universe is made of, a crack in the time-space continuum, and, most laughably, God. My current impression? Frankly, I don't give a damn which one of them is right. My own personal opinion dictates that this girl is the very _bane_ of my existence.

So you ask me, what am I doing here with this group of weirdos, attending to her every whim then? Honestly, I haven't got a clue. As far as I can tell, I'm the only person here who's even remotely normal. Hey, maybe it's just like those American sitcoms. They all have a token black guy. In the case of this wild world I live in? That makes me token black… or rather, token normal.

"Remember! We meet here tomorrow at 9AM sharp! You all had better be here on time, because if not…" Haruhi slit her neck with a finger before passionately shaking her fist in the air as she finished whatever the hell she was talking about.

Something about a sequel to that blatant Asahina-san publicity stunt. And… shooting? Oh God. I glanced over at the troubled protagonist, who seemed far from ecstatic at the announcement. There has _got_ to be a way out of it. Maybe I haven't tried out every option yet.

"Meeting is adjourned!"

This announcement was further reinforced by the abrupt shutting of Nagato's hardback, which we sort of had a silent agreement on as the official declaration to the end of any of the SOS Brigade's so-called 'meetings'.

As I rose from my seat, slinging my bag over my shoulder, I was suddenly pulled back by a powerful force. Three guesses whose grip that was.

"I left the key in my shoe locker. Stay here until I get back."

And just like that, I stood there with a scowl, watching the departure of all members of this madhouse… all of them but me. Haruhi slammed the door shut, leaving me alone in this room that Koizumi had once elaborated to have become, in layman's terms, a den of evil. All that was missing now was the psycho killer doll.

I sighed, resigning myself to this fate. No matter what I did, there was simply no way out of it.

For what seemed an eternity, though it probably lasted no longer than two minutes, I stood there, looking at the door, until, just as expected, the inevitable happened. The barrier between this cursed club room and the hallway burst open, as Haru- what the hell? Asahina-san! What are you doing here? And why are you shoving doors open like Haruhi? Standing before me, in all her finery and glory, was none other than Mikuru Asahina (big).

The strongest evidence of Asahina-san being a time traveler, I first mistook this goddess as her own older sister. I know, that sounds confusing, but I'm still pretty confused myself. After about… three meetings – one in May, and another two on July 7th three years ago – I still don't fully get this whole time clone concept.

Asahina-san (big) plopped down into a chair panting, perhaps to relax her tired, delicate self after running at a rate of what seemed to be eighty eight miles an hour. "Kyon-kun, there's something that I _must_ tell you. It's currently my first priority."

"Is that why you were in such a rush?"

"Yes."

Sorry to sound… mean… but I've got another incentive for you, actually. Haruhi will be back here any minute with the club room keys, and she'll probably freak out if she sees you in here.

"Suzumiya-san returning is the least of my worries, Kyon-kun," she answered, full bosom still heaving from this stressful physical activity called running, which, last time I checked, she wasn't really used to, "She _is_, however, the reason for my hurry."

"End of the world as we know it?"

"You can say that." Asahina-san (big) reached for a conveniently placed glass of water and took a long sip. For somebody who was in a real hurry, she sure took her time. "I don't have much time left, so I'll get straight to the point. Suzumiya-san is out to get me."

I'm sorry. Can you say that again? There must be something in my ear, because I think I just heard you say that Haruhi was after you.

"You're not mistaken, Kyon-kun. Suzumiya-san is…" this time traveler, currently cosplaying as a teacher, was interrupted as an expression that could only be read by others as pure agony appeared on her face. Asahina-san (big) gritted her teeth and clutched her chest, as though she had been shot… come to think of it, is that blood I see spreading out on her dress from the spot her hand was covering? Impossible! How did that happen? Her condition only worsened and she coughed up enough red to fill a shot glass.

Seeing nothing better to do, I hugged her protectively, holding tight. Whatever was happening to her, it sure as hell wasn't good. And then, one of the strangest things I've experienced so far happened. I could swear that my whole body fell through her, hit the chair she was sitting on, and a split second later, I found myself on the floor. When I looked up, every last trace of that gorgeous angel was gone.

Alright, Haruhi, what's the meaning of this!? What did Asahina-san ever do to you that you now persecute her into oblivion!? I swear… if I ever get to ask her that question, I'm going to squeeze the answer out of her like an angry dishwasher does to his sponge. There was nothing left on that chair. The blood that had splattered onto my uniform was gone. Was I hallucinating? That can't be right. The door was still ajar from when she pushed it in, so it couldn't have been a dream.

I let out another sigh of defeat as I got up to return the door to its previously closed state. Almost immediately afterward, somebody knocked. Knowing Haruhi, she would just kick it in or something. Probably somebody or another having forgotten his or her things… I looked around to see what it could have been. Looks like everybody's gotten what they'd need, so… The knock came again. "Alright, alright! Gimme a sec."

A flabbergasted look formed on my face as I set my eyes on whoever it was on the other side of the door. Not only was the man tall, burly, and thickly bearded, he also wore an outfit that gave me the impression that he was cosplaying or something. Dull gray trench coat, black boots (at least I think they were boots. The trench coat was long enough to hide most of them), and even an ushanka, or whatever they were called. That Russian fur hat thing. Now the scariest part of his costume? He was pointing some kind of Russian-looking pistol at me.

"You have minute," he asked.

Actually? If I had to answer that? No. You don't have a minute either. Haruhi will be back any second now and-

"It was not question," he stuck the pistol in my gut, cold of its steel penetrating my uniform. "It was declarative. You have minute. Now let me in."

Sure, sure! Just don't shoot me with that thing. I watched the man enter and survey the club room as I stepped out of his way. There was no doubt about it. The man was definitely a hundred percent stereotypical Russian. Right down to that was he moved, which, I could only describe as… stereotypically Russian. Sort of like what I saw on TV or read in manga when I was younger. Hard to explain and comprehend while reading, but when you saw it, you knew exactly what it was. He looked at me with those cold Russian eyes, grabbing a chair and pushing it in my general direction.

"Now, you take seat." He pointed the gun at me again. This was getting really old.

I began sweating as I complied, keeping a wary eye on that gun. Okay, you've got me, Russkie. One problem, though. I don't have any money left on me. So what're you gonna do now? You might as well pull that trigger and get it over with. I could imagine how bad I looked when my face cracked upon seeing him oblige and pull. I was definitely not prepared for the end! I mean, come on! I'm not even sixteen! What a way to go… shot to death in the place you hate the most, by somebody who dressed like the Soviet Union was still alive too! My eyes shut in reflex.

The feeling of death was certainly not what I expected. It was wet… very wet. I opened my eyes. Death certainly looked no different from life. The Russian was still sitting down in that other chair he had grabbed earlier, even, holding that gun in his hands. Wait a second. I touched my uniform. Heeeeey… the Russian shot me again. This time, I didn't flinch. It was then that I saw that it was red water that shot out of the barrel, not a killer bullet. The whole thing was a prank! After all these months of serious, world-devastating crap that I've been through, I actually became engrossed enough to think that _everything_ that was out of the norm was real! "What the HELL was that for!?"

"Makarov is usually loaded with 9mm bullets," he said matter-of-factly. "But this one is just toy." He cracked up at this point, and started laughing.

Hey! It's not funny! Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean this? And it's red! Even if I wasn't really shot, I look like I spilled red wine on my shirt or something! He continued his fit of heavy Russian laughter. And can you tell me who you are now?

"Ah, can man not have his fun?"

"You've had your damn fun! Now start talking before Haruhi comes back and kills BOTH of us!" If it weren't for the fact that I knew Haruhi wasn't the kind of pull off this kind of stunt (though I can't really be too sure, really), I would've mistaken this Russian to be her in disguise. And who the hell is he anyway? What's he doing in this place of ultimate damnation?

"Very well then, Comrade Ivan," he finally said, "Since you have point there, I will talk."

Ivan? When did my name become Ivan?

"Ivan is Russian for John. And unless I am mistaken, you are John Smith, da?"

Oh, I get it. Another Haruhi fan, right?

"Da."

"Okay," I sighed in both relief and anxiety, Haruhi's impeding return still flashing as a warning in my mind. "I'm listening."

He tucked the silly toy gun in his trench coat. "My name is Leonid Brezhnev."

Leonid Brezhnev… the Communist Party leader?

"No, of course not!" He raised his hands defensively as he laughed at my deduction. "Though it is very interesting coincidence, is it not?"

Considering, how 'interesting' my life has become in the past half year or so, I wouldn't be surprised if you were actually the reincarnation of the other Leonid Brezhnev. So I got a name. Now who are you, exactly?

Brezhnev cleared his throat. "I am Comrade Mikuru Asahina's direct superior."

"I thought her direct superior was her older self."

"Da. But I am direct superior of Mikuru Asahina that is direct superior of Mikuru Asahina who is boarding in this time plane."

At that moment, I really wished I had a rewind button, because I could hardly understand what he was saying. And speaking of Asahina-san…

"Do not worry, Comrade Ivan. She is safe."

Safe? I just saw her display clear signs of internal hemorrhaging, and then promptly disappear before my eyes, and you're telling me she's _safe_? What time plane are you from anyway?

"Classified information."

Gah… withholding vital information must be some kind of SOP for you guys, isn't it?

"Not really. I have authorization to divulge it to you. I simply choose not to."

Okay, so you're now bragging. I nervously stared at the clock. Is it just me, or is it taking Haruhi forever to get back? Maybe she left the keys somewhere that wasn't in her shoe locker? It was at least five minutes since she had left already. Knowing her, she should have been here three minutes ago. I stole another glance at Brezhnev, who now had his legs crossed, elevated boot swinging around idly. Oi, don't you have any concern at all about being discovered? And what about Asahina-san? How is she 'safe'?

"If you insist on knowing, Comrade Mikuru is in Lockdown Zone."

Lockdown Zone? What the hell is that supposed to be? The latest revival of that crazy old anthology series or something?

Again, Brezhnev laughed and looked at his watch. "Let's just say that it is our failsafe in protecting against time travel-based assassinations. But now, down to more important business."

Not until you tell me just what exactly this 'Lockdown Zone' is! I'm not listening until I can guarantee beyond a doubt that Asahina-san is safe!

"Fine then. Your loss."

What is it with you and checking your damn watch? Not that I've got a complaint, I mean, I'm busy checking the wall clock too. Haruhi taking so long to get here is already starting to bother me.

"Lockdown Zone is crack in Space-Time Continuum that was created almost… sixteen years ago, in relation to my time plane. It is space that exists outside time, and outside Space-Time Continuum in general. Sending person there will erase him from space-time continuum, thus keeping him safe from time travel-based assassination."

Wait, that doesn't sound right. If that's the case, then wouldn't you be erasing him from history, and causing all kinds of paradoxes that will result in the destruction of the universe as we know it? Or at least, that's what some sci-fi shows and manga tell me. I realized then that I was just asking to get myself into another one of those overly complicated discussions that these crazy people seemed to love giving me.

"They do not take into account Law of Self-Consistency. By this law, natural side-effect of ejecting somebody from Space-Time Continuum and into Lockdown Zone is creation of Chronospatial Stability Duplicate."

Great… more pieces of technobabble. What's that last one supposed to mean?

"Copy of ejected person with unalterable history." My raised eyebrow prompted him to simplify it even more. "Think of it this way: if ejected person is CD-RW with changeable history, then CSD is CD-R which cannot be rewritten. And no, there is no multisession option."

Honestly, I still had a hard time grasping just what exactly he was talking about. "So what happens when say, I try shoot that copy?"

"Bullet will pass through."

"So it's not solid?"

"Nyet. Copy is solid. But because in original timeline, person was not shot, then copy will not be affected if you try shooting."

I think I'm starting to get it. Starting. "But if that's the case, then why isn't there a copy of Asahina-san (big) talking to me right now?"

"Haruhi Suzumiya has found way to partially bypass Law of Self-Consistency, and has managed to erase Chronospatial Stability Duplicate from continuum. Related memories remain, however, as she is aware that completely bypassing Law of Self-Consistency will be end of world as we know it."

Haruhi? Concerned about keeping things in order? Since when did that happen?

"Since three and half years ago."

"What?" That was the least sensible statement anybody had ever given me today. Three and a half years ago was practically when she started threatening the world, and now this crazy time travelling Russkie's telling me the opposite? What's going on here?

"I am glad you asked, Comrade Ivan. That way, we can get straight to point, because I only have ten minutes before Haruhi Szumiya catches on to me."

"Okay, buddy. Tell me just how the hell you know that." Haruhi is as unpredictable as that hurricane some years ago. How can you just predict her movements like that?

Brezhnev signaled me to stand, and I followed him to the door. My eyes widened as he opened it and pointed at the portion of the hallway to the left of the club room. There she was, our mysteriously late Brigade Commander, Haruhi Suzumiya, with her keys as well. She seemed frozen, with her limbs splayed out – right arm hooked forward, left arm dragging back, torso leaning forward with her right foot planted into the floor, left leg dangling behind her. Even her skirt was defying the laws of physics, suspended in midair with the rest of her body. It was as though I were looking at a photo-finish picture taken somewhere or something. "What the…"

"Temporal expansion bubble," Brezhnev explained. "It will take her approximately one hour to arrive at door."

But you tell me you only have ten minutes. What's the deal with that?

That time traveler, now I'm certain he was cosplaying as a stereotypical Soviet Russian, returned to his chair and motioned for me to sit. Why bother? I thought you only had ten minutes on you.

"Now we get to whole point of my visit."

Finally. I hope you can explain all these crazy inconsistencies that have been piling up since I was first left alone here this afternoon. Hey, can you do me a favor and start at the beginning?

"Not problem. It all started three summers ago, in relation to this time plane."

"Tanabata?" If I had to pay another goddamn visit to that night again, I swear, I'm going to go nuts. I don't even want to count how many times I went back to relive that same summer heat, that same darkness, and that same sanity-tearing sensation of knowing that you were, yet again, living through the same moments of your life, in a different body.

"Da. Specifically when you interacted with Haruhi Suzumiya as John Smith."

Wait… so it's my fault now? In case you've forgotten, it was _your_ idea to send me back there, which, in retrospect, wasn't all that bad, since I was able to use it to get out of a scrape last Christmas season.

Brezhnev raised his hands in defense. "Easy, Comrade Ivan! I am not pointing any accusing fingers! I am just stating fact. Yes, it started with John Smith, and yes, it was also our fault. We made serious gamble on you that day."

You were… gambling… on me?

"Da. You see, we use ultra high-tech computer to assist in all our decision-making, but ever since almost four years ago, when Haruhi Suzumiya first started causing us trouble, computer's predictions have become… much less reliable than hoped for."

Aha. So basically, it's Haruhi's fault after all. Just what I expected. And as usual, it's my great burden to bear the crucifix of saving the world from her stupidity. Why does my life keep getting more predictable?

"You can say that."

"Tell me more about this gamble."

"Computer predicted minimal side-effects should you interact with Haruhi Suzumiya as John Smith. But since computer's predictions are generally wild card, then we were taking calculated risk. At the end of day, we lost gamble."

Some kind of side-effect? I wonder if this has anything to do with her unstable mentality. I looked at the clock. He had a few more minutes.

"Nothing like that, Comrade Ivan. Rather, side-effect is more dangerous. It caused timeline to branch out into infinite number of subordinate timelines, each with own you, me, Comrade Mikuru, but most importantly, own Haruhi Suzumiya."

And I assume, each of them is as much of an all-powerful pain in the ass as that one 'running' outside?

"You assume correct."

Well that's just great. An infinite number of Haruhi's. How could this get any worse?

"Within span of three and half years, approximately fifty percent of them have become self-aware."

Okay… now… how could things get any worse _now_? Wait… how the hell can you calculate 'fifty percent' of infinity?

"Partial Infinity, Comrade Ivan," the crazy Russkie said. "It is complicated mathematical concept that you will not perfect until another five hundred years. So don't even try comprehending."

I'm already having a hard time comprehending the rest of my life, so don't worry. I'm not crazy enough to give myself even more things incomprehensible. But back to my previous train of thought, how can it possibly get any worse than that?

"Approximately ten percent of self-aware Haruhi Suzumiya's have decided to use their powers to conquer their worlds."

Again, I would love to ask how you can calculate percentages of infinity so easily, but I'd rather not. And you know what? I'm not going to ask if there's anything worse than this, because chances are, it somehow is.

"Out of all these, only one Haruhi Suzumiya has undertaken actions that indicate awareness of existence of multiple other timelines." Brezhnev slammed his fists onto the table. "It is this Haruhi Suzumiya that we must all be wary of. She appears intent on taking over all timelines based on branching out from three and half years ago."

Gee, what makes you think that?

"Haruhi Suzumiya 738 has nullified powers of all other timelines except this one. Base timeline."

"I know this is going to sound stupidly obvious, but… why?"

"Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya, unlike all others, is unique in that she dreams."

Everybody dreams. At least… last time I checked, that was the case.

"Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya _talks_ to her dreams."

"Okay, now you lost me." I was really starting to lose interest in this whole conversation, since, aside from the fact that there was one Haruhi out there who was planning world universal domination or something, there was nothing more to talk about. To be frank, this whole situation seemed… clichéd… Brezhnev's explanation was far beyond me, and he even gave a reprimand, hitting me with some kind of pejorative Russian name-calling that apparently insulted my intelligence. Hell should I care. All this talk about multiple timelines, 'Partial Infinity', 'Quad Infinity' (which is something he described as more than just 'Infinity times four', but a complicated set of quadrangles, quadratic equations, quintuple matrices, all using base-four numbers, which he said somebody from my time plane could understand, but not me, because I was a… whatever the hell that pejorative Russian term that insulted my intelligence was), 'Exact Infinity', and all other kinds of infinite multiples has gotten my brain overloaded.

"For god sakes, just tell me what the hell I have to do to fix this problem!"

Instead of answering me directly, he looked at his watch (again!). "Unfortunately, I do not have enough time to give you direct answer, so, like everybody you know, I will leave you with extremely vague, cryptic, and downright puzzling clue to help you with your problem."

Great… more vague, cryptic, and downright puzzling clues. Like I haven't been given enough of those these days. Why can't you just give the damn solution already?

"My time is almost up. Haruhi Suzumiya will detect my signal if I do not leave soon." He hurried out of his chair and made his way to the door, stopping to give me what I've been expecting. "Search for Scribe. Only Scribe can help you now." Brezhnev gave a weird smirk before saying one last thing, which… I should have seen coming, but somehow didn't, before slamming the door shut behind him. "And remember! In Soviet Russia, time travels _YOU!!_"

I sighed and cupped my face in my palms. There was no way I was going to be digesting that information dump. Two seconds later, Haruhi burst through the door and started accusing me of falling asleep while on guard duty. Since when did you put me on guard duty? Ugh… I hate this day _so much_.

TBC…

AN: I fear that this chapter might have degraded into a pointless plot dump. Considering how most of the other people who talk to Kyon do it, however… well, they always do plot dumps, wouldn't you think? Sorry if it dragged on. I'll try to make the next one better.


	3. Return to Sender

AN: Now I'll try to make up for such a crappy plot dump, with perhaps… something better.

Disclaimer: To those of you who even bother to read this, Tanigawa-san would kill me if I said I owned anybody here. Jason belongs to whoever the hell owns Friday 13th, and whoever/whatever else is copyrighted here belongs to their respective owners. So there…

**Chapter 2: Return to Sender**

As expected, with Asahina-san having mysteriously vanished, the subsequent meetings involving the movie sequel were cancelled. The rest of the weekend wasn't that fruitful either, spent searching for Asahina-san, who of course, pulled no-shows wherever we looked. So now I found myself at home, exhausted on a Sunday night, sitting on the couch.

I watched with nonexistent interest as Jason drowned for the umpteenth time since the first of his cheesy movies. Honestly, why rent such a grisly and outdated home video?

"Wow!" that high-pitched squeal belonged to my little sister, a curious little fifth-grader, who, unlike most children her age, wasn't at all horrified by the blatantly wrong special effects or the fact that this movie wasn't for people her age… or my age, for the matter. She turned to me with a bit of wonder in her eyes, as if asking, "Is that it?"

"Yeah, that's it." My eyes returned to the screen in time to see that time tested foreshadowing scene that hinted he would be back for the _next_ sequel. "Or at least until the next Friday 13th… whenever that'll be."

"The Americans really love their sequels, don't they?"

Just like Godzilla, only with an invincible machete-swinging zombie in a hockey mask terrorizing an all-but-innocent campsite with a semi-alliterated name instead of a man in a rubber suit terrorizing a model of downtown Tokyo. I glanced up at the clock. "Well, show's over. Time for you to get to bed."

"But Kyon!" she started pounding on me with those tiny fists. It tickled more than it hurt, to say the least.

"You heard mom," Ah, yes. I was going for the age-old tactic of referencing the local house authority. "Nothing after the movie. Besides," I looked down at that fur ball at my feet. This same fur ball, that last autumn was temporarily transformed by Haruhi's selfish whims into a philosophy-spouting machine to rival Koizumi, had long since been adopted and was now a member of this household. "Shami needs to sleep on a better place than the living room floor."

That got her. Sometimes, you have to appeal to their weaknesses. Like this cat, for example. I kept my eye on that little girl as she picked up that equally little animal and his matching sleeping Cheshire smile and took him up the stairs.

With my own contemplations on the disappeared Asahina-san and just how we were going to pull off the sequel when the protagonist had been wiped from history, crazy time travelling Russians, infinitely confusing Haruhi's out for universal domination, and a little bit of guilty curiosity about the next Friday 13th movie, I followed suit.

vvvvvvv

"First thing I would like to announce," that would be Okabe-sensei, homeroom teacher and handball enthusiast. "Is that we have an old friend returning from a trip."

Old friend? Considering this year had yet to pass, there aren't many friends in this class that Okabe-sensei might think of as old. Of course, the nuances involving such a term are of great importance, and the fact was, 'old' was relative to the person speaking. How long had he known this 'old' friend of his anyway? Well… ours. I had a few guesses, but the person who stepped into class this morning literally raised the hairs on the back of my neck.

It was _HER._ _AGAIN_. As if one comeback in the Nagato-altered world wasn't enough to satisfy her desire for resurrection, _THAT GIRL_ gave the class a gracious bow and greeting before taking seat at that formerly empty desk. What is it with you and coming back from Canada anyway? This was obviously some kind of conspiracy. Why else would a malfunctioning interface with a thing for killing me return for a second time? My thoughts turned to last night's movie. Ryoko Asakura was just like Jason.

Haruhi was also alarmed by this. I don't know how I knew that, I just did. I could feel the waves of uneasiness radiating from that seat behind me.

"We're gonna find out why she went to Canada, Kyon," she told me. "Then maybe we're finally gonna get to the bottom of this mystery."

A mystery that was several months old and assumedly forgotten. "So what're we going to do later then? Split up and search for clues?"

"My thoughts exactly."

"Oh?" It was a joke, silly! I mean, why split up and search for clues when you can just walk up to her and ask, in a very concerned voice, 'Hey! Remember us? We were the only guys who investigated your mysterious disappearance!' Of course, knowing Ryoko "Voorhees" Asakura, she would probably say, 'Oh, nothing really. I was just taking a break from trying to stab your friend over there'. And when Haruhi asks her what the hell that means, she would demonstrate her own words by fishing that Kabar from her pocket and having a third go at me.

"Yes. We could go ask her, while the other two could check out her apartment." Haruhi glanced at the ceiling, as if in thought. "Yuki lives there anyway, so she would know who to ask."

"And… how do you even know if she moved back there?"

"Where else would she be staying?"

Fine. Do whatever you want. "But what about Asahina-san?"

"I'm sure Mikuru's fine!" she answered with full conviction. "Probably just sick or something."

I shook my head at the thought. If only you knew.

My attention returned to that knife fetishist in the first row as she once again started acting like class monitor, answering questions and dishing out meaningful insights like why there were three stars in Orion's Belt or something. Homeroom class droned on for what seemed like a week's worth of things, as I wasn't really paying attention to anything other than Asakura's every move. I mean, I could just as easily fall through the floor and into the next empty classroom to become victim to her next attempt, so it would be best I was prepared.

Her seeming desire to remain inconspicuous, however, was possibly what saved me this time around.

Several classes came and went before the lunch bell rang. As with Class 1-5's status quo, Haruhi catapulted herself out of her chair, and indeed, the room, vanishing down the hallway.

I stooped and reached for my lunch, preparing for the daily session of attending Taniguchi and Kunikida's pitiful excuse for discussion. Just as I rose from that position, I was struck with the impression that there was something different with the room, particularly with the lighting. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I took a gander at what was happening. The lights of daytime were gone. Was this Asakura's doing? Was she now taking her next shot at 'producing results'?

Looking to my left changed my thoughts entirely. The windows were still there, but looking outside wasn't anymore comforting. The world was gray. Now I knew exactly where I was.

Closed Space.

Koizumi, now would be a good time for you to show up. My prayer went unanswered for a few minutes before I gave up on the possibility of something happening so conveniently as that. "Guess I'll just have to look around."

The deafening silence was soon pierced by a soft, rather haunting melody. It was somewhat muffled, as the source was evidently outside the room's shut doors, but it was definitely there. Tones from what could readily be recognized as a piano. So I wasn't alone in here. Whether that fact was good or bad had yet to be decided, as it could have been one of anybody, though some points were already certain. It couldn't have been Koizumi. He would just approach me directly in his magical red sphere form. Haruhi? No. Haruhi would be running around and checking the place out. She wasn't the kind to stay in one place, moreover play a _piano_ while she was at it.

Now Asakura… little miss class monitor and superstar student. She had the skill to play the piano, and perhaps the ability to penetrate the cross dimensional barriers or whatever that kept Closed Space separate from the normal world. As to why, she was obviously playing the piano to either taunt me, or maybe use my wish for a companion to lure me to her location.

Still, the fact of my being alone in such a creepy place was starting to get to me. Against my better judgment, I stood up and departed the room into the hallway. The piece, by now I've heard enough to tell it was Beethoven's _Für Elise_, was currently in its D minor pedal point section, raising the tension with its ominous melodies as I followed it down the dark gray confines of the hall. Observing my surroundings and heading, I had now concluded that it was coming from the music room. That sort of made sense. I mean, it wasn't like somebody would be stupid enough to drag a piano around or something.

The piece ended and started again to continue haunting me as I made my way down the unlit corridor and across the covered walk to the club building, where the music club held its meetings. One 360 view of the surrounding area gave me a bit of relief. The _Shinjin_ had yet to make their debut. At least this world still had some time. It was rather strange that those monsters and the esper squad that hunted them weren't around. What did this all mean?

I ascended the stairs to the top floor and stopped at the music room's door just as the piece ended again, this time with a sense of finality about it. There wasn't going to be a repeat. Whoever was in there playing that piano knew I had arrived. To whoever might be up there watching me, I swear… if it isn't Asakura's silhouette I can see through the door window and sitting at the piano, then I promise to be good from now on!

I gulped again as I pulled the door open.

My jaw almost dropped.

"Haruhi? What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"What do I look like I'm doing, _baka_?" her head snapped over from the piano, revealing an intense scowl. "I got bored waiting for you."

You know, you could have just come for me. You do know where our classroom is, right? I wondered why she didn't even find this disturbing, being alone in such a place, just like that 'dream' she had last May.

"Direct approach, eh? That could have worked just as well, but I thought this method would be more interesting."

I sighed. Same old irrational Haruhi.

There was, however, a different quality about her. The blatancy that was staring me in the face like an angry dog with a foaming mouth was her hair… it was as long as the day I first saw her. That nagging sensation of dread that was lingering in the back of my mind intensified. This wasn't the Haruhi who just ten minutes ago zoomed out of the classroom… That crazy Russian's words echoed in my mind.

_It is this Haruhi Suzumiya that we must be wary of._

That scowl immediately evaporated, replaced by a mirror image of my own Brigade Commander's predatory smirk.

"_It's the end of the world as we know it… and I feel fine._"

What? The previous moment was forever scarred by her singing some kind of English one- or two-liner in a way so eerie that I grew goose bumps just listening to it. "I don't know that song, but I guarantee you that I don't like the sound of it."

"Oh don't worry about that, John." She answered, standing up and shoving the piano's chair back in its resting place. A flick of her hair, and the instrument seemingly came to life, keys reviving to once again play _Für Elise_ of their own accord. I jumped some inches back at that. "It's not over… at least, not yet."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm having problems of my own, you see." I instinctively backed up as she approached. This felt just like that foreboding in the moments before Asakura jumped me for the first time. "So I really can't do what I'm supposed to just yet."

"And that would be…"

"Stop playing dumb!" the room shook at that, as though there was an earthquake. This Haruhi really knew how to scare you… my cardiac rhythm was now completely out of tune, skipping beats here and there. I didn't even know how I still managed to stay conscious. "I know that that stupid Russian told you about me, John. And even if he didn't, I thought the hair would be a dead giveaway that I wasn't the Brigade Commander you know from Baseline. I mean, how could she unconsciously make her hair grow longer and not freak out at it, right?"

Oh God… now that makes even less sense. At the waving of her finger, the door slammed shut behind me, and the disembodied playing of the piano intensified. Haruhi quickly closed the gap, and before I knew it, she had me pinned against the door with that inhuman strength I was by now very familiar with.

"I'm only going to tell you this once, John," she whispered into my ear. "Stay out of my way. Because if you don't," she backed off of me and had her arms akimbo for a moment. That smirk evolved into a grin as she brought her finger up to her neck and slit it.

To my horror, blood began to flow from that spot where, I first thought, she only _pretended_ to slit her neck. The living crimson fluid wound its way down her neck, to her chest, under her sailor uniform, until it finally hit rock bottom as it crept off her shoe, almost as if it were alive… It struck me a strange that she wasn't turning pale or anything. Though, that could possibly be attributed to the use of her power, where she could have given herself an unlimited supply of the stuff or something.

The blood (actually, I'm not so sure what it is anymore) continued its journey and… oh hell no… it was headed straight for me! "You've got a really twisted imagination, you know that?"

"I wouldn't really say that. It just seems interesting this way, don't you think?"

Little red tendrils lashed out from the creeping pool of red and wrapped themselves around my ankles. I took a moment to look up at the perpetrator of this whole rehash of that Twilight Zone episode with the little kid named Anthony. So the only way you figure for me to stay out of your way is to kill me?

"Not at all, John."

She ran her finger over that large gash on her neck, wiping away the blood… and that incision. Just like that? Come to think of it, how was she even able to talk with a big hole in her windpipe? Gah, I should stop asking myself such obviously rhetorical questions! Haruhi's powers have always defied logic, consciously or otherwise. By now that blood from the Thing had sprouted segmented legs and was pulling itself up my pants.

"It's a scare tactic." As soon as she said this, that nightmarish pool of red she had spawned from her throat evaporated. "If you wanna see the ending, just try and stop me."

Haruhi and reverse psychology. Where've I seen that combination before? Cautiously, as if caution would be any help at all against a virtually omnipotent nuisance, I straightened my coat. "So you're trying to scare me out of going up against whatever crazy plan you've got in that head of yours?"

"I know. Those things never work," she momentarily shut her eyes and shrugged, "So I suppose you can think of it as a challenge instead. Challenges are a lot more entertaining, anyway." Another sweep of her finger and a montage of all my successful attempts to thwart doom and destruction spun around me in a blur for several seconds, stopping abruptly at the sound of her voice. "You've always stopped her in the past. But can you stop _me_ this time around? Think fast, John. I'll hold you to what you say."

I don't know what demon possessed me to say what I said next. Hell, maybe she _wanted_ me to say it, bringing about the implication that I didn't have a choice in the matter. Whatever the case, I got the distinct feeling that I was going to regret it. "Yeah, that's right. I'm going to stop you this time, Haruhi! I'm going to save the world from your ridiculous plan of taking over!"

That devilish grin that was there only moments before evaporated into a deep, thoughtful pout. "Believe me when I tell you, John. Taking over isn't what it's all about. I told you already three years ago… no wait… that was you from my timeline…" Haruhi closed her eyes and exhaled, as if preparing for a grand speech of some sort. "Some things have to be given up for the sake of others."

Was it Confucius who said that? I wasn't really sure. But seeing Haruhi, even if it was a different one, solemnly smirking there with shut eyes as though she was giving me kudos for successfully pulling a prank on her, was a truly interesting sight for me. "I don't get it."

"That's the same reaction the other one had." Those glistening eyes of hers opened up again, a lot moister compared to the last time I saw them, and stared long and hard at me. "Maybe you'll be able to understand it later on. I'm counting on you to. After all… you're the only one I can rely on, John. Don't forget that." A melancholic smirk found its way to her face, imparting the feeling that this discussion was over.

Wait… what about Asakura?

"Oh, Ryoko?" She thought for a moment. "You'll find out eventually."

Do you have any idea how terrified I am for everybody's sakes whenever you flash that grin? If you're using her to pull something, why don't you admit it already? Now it's pretty obvious that she's working for you.

"I never said that."

"What?"

"Never mind. I won't waste any more of the precious time you're gonna need to face my challenge." That melancholic smirk returned and she gave me a left-handed, one-fingered salute.

The next thing I knew, bells were ringing. What the hell? I looked around to find myself back in Class 1-5's homeroom, with Haruhi, the Haruhi from this timeline or whatever, jumping out of her seat and blazing her way out of the place. It was the lunch bell…

Déjà vu? Or was it one very strange daydream? Couldn't have been. As if having read my mind, a line of music wafted in through the wind, sounding as if it came from everywhere and yet, at the same time, in a most clichéd manner, nowhere. E, D sharp, E, D sharp, E, B, D natural, C, all of these quarter notes, and then an eighth note A. _Für Elise_.

Normally, I wouldn't be able to label these familiar notes so accurately, but perhaps this weird 'just knowing' is what Koizumi was talking about in reference to his powers… Or maybe the other Haruhi was giving it to me through some weird mental telepathy.

Gah! Whatever! All this thinking is making my head hurt.

Wary eye on Asakura, who was now associating with our classmates, I picked up my lunch pack and headed over to where Taniguchi and Kunikida were sitting.

TBC…

AN: With the other SOSers merely mentioned in passing, I guarantee that the next chappie should include everybody's favorite alien/magician/humanoid interface/fortune teller/statue/witch/rock goddess and gay psychic Philosophy PhD holder. It's high time those two got themselves worked up over this anyway. I just need to get the things in place and such. Any help would be muchly appreciated.


	4. Sneak Peak

Some notes to point out:

While I am far from discontinuing this little ficcie, I have to say that I will be putting it on hiatus for awhile. For one, I'm almost done reading V5, and will be spending the next four or so days on an isolated lone island (sound familiar?) with zero internet connection, and zero computers. I've already prepared countermeasures to keep me from going insane from the lack of electronics, that is, printing out V6-8, and reading them in my free time.

That way, I kill two birds with one stone: I retain my sanity, and catch up on events that have been conspiring since. Like that mysterious "emerald green van" thingie that I picked up from my scanning the novels when I was editing them for printing. I would like to thank you guys for reviewing and giving input on this little pet project of mine, and rest assured, I _will_ get back to this in due time. Hopefully, by next week.

In the meantime, I leave you with this little excerpt that I've managed to scrounge up in my restlessness…

"'Scribe', you say?" Koizumi's perpetual smile broke into that other expression of his that I'd grown familiar with: the overly serious façade.

"That's what he said."

"Nagato-san," the esper looked at the humanoid life contact interface, who, through all this, remained as cold and statuesque as she had always seemed from the very beginning. I can imagine she must be pretty shaken on the inside despite her programming, considering what Haruhi had done to her. "Do you have any idea what this 'Scribe' might be?"

"I reiterate: Contact with the Integrated Data Entity has been severed by Haruhi Suzumiya. It is impossible to make use of its database to search for 'Scribe'."

Pardon me, Nagato, but… isn't it unusual for you to dodge the question? Is there something you're hiding from us?

"No."

"Ah, I see…" I sighed. "So do you know about 'Scribe'?" This matter had to be pressed on, if the Russian was convinced it to be our only hope.

"'Scribe' is a pet program created by Haruhi Suzumiya. Details concerning it aside from this fact are completely unknown."

"Do you know where we might be able to find it?" Possibly the most important question of all.

"No."

Damn!


	5. What's in a Scribe?

AN: Enow, I return from my state of hiatus and that sweet lone island vacation of mine, newly enlightened on the points of interest involving everything to V8. Now, I can finally give this little thingie a proper time-of-the-year setting without messing up continuity. Also, I would like to note that I completed this two days ago, but, thanks to that stupid Document Upload thingie being on the fritz, I have been unable to upload this thing. Then I realized that I had a useless document uploaded onto my account. So I just decided to copy-paste this content on it instead. Brilliant, eh?

Disclaimer: Tanigawa-san may or may not be making royalties right now. He has won several outstanding literary awards. He has inspired something that one of the guys on _Anime TV _said would forever change the face of 21st Century anime. Why? Simply because he created and owns all this lovely crap that we read. How I envy his genius.

* * *

**Chapter 3: What's in a Scribe?**

"Well, you can say that my parents decided I could live here on my own," Asakura answered, that cheerful expression glued to her face. It seemed far more natural than Koizumi's obviously fake perma-smile.

Of course, I knew that inside, she had just about as much emotion as that stolen computer we kept in the clubroom. I guess she was programmed to be that good at creating impressions of feeling or something. I'll have to ask Nagato about that later. Had Asakura also developed feelings as she had?

"Besides, I guess I missed you guys that much."

Missed us, eh? Oh I'm sure you missed me.

Haruhi seemed unconvinced by this, and sent her gaze drilling into Asakura's own eyes. "Are you _absolutely_ sure that that's the only reason you came back?"

That psychotic knife fetishist of course, reacted the way a normal person would, and leaned back at our crazy commander's visual assault, raising her hands as if that was all the could do to fend off what might appear to be a build-up to homosexual rape. That girl… shook my head. Is this your way of making-up for your lack of an Asahina-san to costume-rape?

"Absolutely. Believe me when I tell you, Suzumiya-san. There's nothing 'mysterious' or 'paranormal' about my moving to and back from Canada. Just simple family issues is all."

Seemingly satisfied for the moment, Haruhi exhaled and released her captive. "Fine. Guess we'll have to settle for other sources then."

"If you're still planning on 'investigation'," Asakura chuckled, apparently portraying that she didn't take this idea seriously, "I suppose I could direct you to a friend of mine who-"

"Never mind." Haruhi? Refusing the offer of a lead? Clearly there's something wrong here! "Information from the suspect could jeopardize the quality of the information gained, not to mention the very integrity of the investigation itself!"

You know, somehow, that makes sense… except for one thing. "When did Asakura-san," I cringed at saying that honorific. Honestly, how can you give honorifics to a psycho who tried killing me twice? "Become a suspect?"

I could have sworn I heard a whiplash sound effect somewhere when Haruhi's neck snapped as she faced me. "The circumstances surrounding _both_ her sudden 'transfers' are absolutely suspicious! First, to Canada in the middle of May due to a 'job offer', then back here in the middle of January because 'she could live on her own'! For the sake of all that is logical and sensible, it doesn't jive at all!"

If there were some rare moments where my own logic could agree with what Haruhi was saying, then this would be one of them. This time around, however, the agreement is only partial. I have a completely logical and sensible explanation of the first one. Of course, I can't possibly give it to you. You wouldn't believe me anyway. The return seems illogical at first, until the conversation with the other Haruhi earlier today came to mind. At that point, it becomes crystal clear on how Asakura got back… the only question is why the case is so. In that event, it would mean of course that I can't agree with her after all, due to some hidden knowledge on my part. Oh well, I guess I should just keep a lookout for other such moments. "I guess so…"

"And this is _exactly_ why she is a suspect!"

For being surrounded by 'suspicious' incidents?

"Why else would she be called a suspect? Jeez, Kyon! Think for a moment, would you?"

Well, that's one moment where I can agree with your logic. I sighed. "So where do we go from here then?"

Haruhi took the time to ignore my question and inform Asakura that she could go. The latter obliged, after oh-so-politely bidding us farewell and proceeding to vacate the classroom with one or two female classmates, perhaps to give the false impression of bonding or something. "Her apartment, of course!"

Our Brigade Commander flipped her phone open, revealing a recent text message from Koizumi, indicating that they had already arrived. Considering that that high-class apartment building was a walking distance from school (in fact it was the spot where the brigade would usually split up if we happened to be walking home together), I wasn't really surprised.

"You know, if we get caught, it'll be trespassing."

"So we don't allow ourselves to get caught! It's that simple!" Haruhi slipped on her fur coat and, not at all waiting for me to don my own protective winter gear, began the usual process of dragging me all the way to the shoe lockers, where I was finally given some time to put on something thick and warm. Before I could grab my outdoor shoes, however, she had already dragged me out of the door.

"I already gave Koizumi the proper instructions on the matter," she continued, as we hurried down the hill, the chilling gusts of the season no obstacle for Haruhi's ironclad determination.

You mind telling me why exactly we're in a rush?

"Isn't it obvious? We can't sort through her stuff if she gets home first!"

Ah, so now we're going to be breaking and entering, as well as rummaging through things that aren't ours… Then again, I've already experienced something like this last summer. That Computer Society President who so habitually checked our site every single day and happened to drop by again at just the wrong moment came to mind. Who would have thought that he would be so afraid of cave crickets, anyway?

We rendezvoused with Nagato and Koizumi, who were waiting for us at the apartment lobby. I momentarily glanced at that caretaker, still behind his usual glass window. Is it just me, or is he smiling deviously at me for some reason? Ah, that's right. Coming here in an increasing frequency to visit Nagato for a variety of reasons… listen, Mister! You got it all wrong! At least, that's what I wanted to say. But even Haruhi suspected me to be involved with that silent bookworm of an alien in a similar manner. Hopefully, that 'transfer issue' ruse stays believable…

"Status report!"

Koiziumi cleared his throat. Not that he really had to, but was he rehearsing his formalities or something? "While we engaged with the standard procedure of posing as concerned friends…"

Wait a minute… posing as concerned friends is now SOP?

"And were somehow miraculously given permission to look through Asakura-san's room and its contents, it is rather unfortunate that we found nothing whatsoever that might give us any hints concerning her mysterious disappearance and return." He glanced at me for a quick moment before bowing at the commander in apology. What are you trying to say? "I apologize for not being able to advance the investigation in any way from our end, Suzumiya-san."

Haruhi pouted and twisted her lips into some kind of weird shape, eyebrows furrowing into deep thought. Really, there's not much to think about here…

"Well, it looks like this case is a dead end… for now…" the pout continued. "We're done for the day. But I want you all to perform your own independent investigations on the matter, and report it to me first thing at the clubroom tomorrow!" And she finally said, with a sense of absolution, "Dismissed!"

As Haruhi marched off into the chilly afternoon, Koizumi looked at me again. Unlike you, I'm not an esper, so don't expect me to be able to read your thoughts. If you're going to say something, say it!

"Of course."

"Took you long enough," I muttered in response. "So what is it?"

"Aren't you as concerned as I?"

"Asakura made a comeback. So? I'm sure Nagato knows what she's up to. Right?" I looked at the humanoid life contact interface in question. Her response was… unexpected. A slight change in the horizontal angle of her face, coupled with minute swaying of her hair. She was saying 'no'.

"The one behind Ryoko Asakura's reconstruction is not the Extremist School," she said blankly. "None of the factions within the Integrated Data Entity take credit for this course of action."

So I was right then. The only other force that could have something to do with this would be Haruhi… well… the other one. That reminds me… "I met her today."

"Asakura-san?"

God, Koizumi! Stop being so intentionally dense! You know who I'm talking about.

"It was a joke," that perfect smile of his was now mocking me. "This 'other' Suzumiya-san that you told us about last Saturday?"

Yeah, that's the one. I remember you said she couldn't possibly exist because if she did, you'd be able to detect her with your connection to Haruhi or something like that… And Nagato? Well, I remember her saying something about subordinating timelines, whatever the hell that means… But that's right. I met her today, when she dragged me into Closed Space.

"Closed Space? Interesting…"

What's that supposed to mean?

"And you say it happened today?"

"That's right."

Koizumi slid his finger down his nose bridge, apparently deep in thought. "The fact is: my colleagues and I have not sensed anything today."

"But I thought you guys were connected to Haruhi's mental state."

"The way I see it, there are several possibilities of just why we failed to sense anything." He raised his index finger in the air, giving the impression of a '1'. Why must you keep up with these hand gestures? "First, the other Suzumiya-san might have rendered that particular incursion of closed space undetectable to us at the 'Agency'."

"She can do that too, huh?" So what're the others?

The index finger was joined by his middle finger, '2'. "Second, which I attribute to be the same reason on why we were unable to sense her presence in the first place, is that since, despite the fact that she is essentially, from your description of her being from an alternate timeline, Suzumiya-san, she is nevertheless from a different continuity than us. Being from a different timeline makes her a different… person, if you would. From that perspective, she would not exactly be Suzumiya-san herself, since Suzumiya-san is already existent here. Rather, she would in that sense, be Suzumiya-san's sister. Using this logic, we therefore have no connection to her mental states, and thus have no ability to detect Closed Spaces created by her."

Such long sentences. Can you repeat that again?

"Would you like me to?"

"Actually, forget it… what's the third one?"

"The next possibility… what did you two talk about?"

Answering a question with a question. Stereotypical confusion-seeding philosophy-speak. "If I remember it correctly," How could I forget something as bizarre as that, after all? "She tried to scare me out of interfering. When that didn't work, well… she challenged me to interfere instead. You know how fickle that girl is."

Koizumi merely chuckled before asking another question. "Now tell me, how do you feel whenever you are alone with Suzumiya-san within Closed Space?"

To be honest? Let's see… Alone with Haruhi in that disturbing gray place… In that kind of situation, where those blue freaks pop up to destroy things, meaning the world would be coming to an end… For the sake of all I love here? I suppose you can say that I feel… a little scared. There was no denying that fact now. To lose my family, Asahina-san, Nagato, hell, even Koizumi and that damned clubroom, I wouldn't know what to do in their absence.

"I see." His ring finger finally rose up to form '3'. "The third possibility is this: you weren't in Closed Space at all, but a different kind of pocket dimension, created by the other Suzumiya-san, and designed to imitate the appearance of Closed Space. This stems from the fact that you are scared of being alone in such a place with her, and thus, the effect of such circumstances amplifies the amount of fear already garnered from whatever she did in her attempt to scare you. It's merely the atmosphere to complement the desired effect. This is similar to the way that a ghost is much more terrifying to encounter when you're alone in a dark, decrepit mansion, than while you're in a bright, open field in the company of Ghostbusters. As it is not Closed Space, but rather, a temporary world tailored to give out a desired effect, then perhaps its properties are negligible enough to remain undetected by my abilities."

The pinkie went up. '4'. "It's also entirely possible that this is a result of the tiredness from my activities during the weekend." I only noticed now, the dark spots beneath his eyes, and his rather unhealthy appearance.

"Yeah… you sort of disappeared a lot back then." But with Haruhi seemingly okay, leaving out the possibility of your usual job, then might I ask what activities those were then?

"I was forced to singlehandedly eliminate a total of…" Koizumi counted the fingers on his left hand several times, right hand still suspended in the air, holding up a '4'. "Twenty-five Closed Spaces over the course of the weekend."

I'm sorry. Did I hear you right? _Twenty-five_ Closed Spaces? How are you still breathing, man? And what about your friends? For all it's worth, Haruhi didn't seem to be pissed enough to create that many… Hell, she didn't even look bad enough to make just one.

"To be honest, I was as clueless as you are right now. Actually, there were far more than those. I sensed a total of about twenty-five for every esper in the Agency." Koizumi tiredly sighed. "Each of them was relatively small, and the _Shinjin_ within were much easier to handle, almost as if those Closed Spaces were created merely for the sake of being sought out by us and subsequently destroyed. I realize now that perhaps the other Suzumiya-san was trying to keep us busy, or maybe wear us out, for some reason."

Haruhi creating multiple Closed Spaces at will… That was an understatement. Haruhi creating a LOT of Closed Spaces at will. Never before had I so strongly believed that I would never envy Koizumi his job.

"Furthermore, she also seems to have been preventing us from reorganizing. Every attempt I have made to contact my colleagues has failed, and every means I have used is now dysfunctional. Cell phone, landline, instant messaging, and even approaching them at designated meeting locations. The office itself was empty when I arrived there. Borrowing somebody's cell phone did no good, as it lost all signal the moment I touched it, and pay phones at several different places and landlines at other friends' houses were no better. As of now, I am completely isolated from the rest of the Agency… Nay, perhaps it's even worse: that all the people working within the Agency are isolated from one another."

This Haruhi really doesn't want these guys to interfere. Not that I have any qualms with that. Even Nagato's boss, that crazy computer up in the sky, has more of my trust than the suits pushing pencils around on desks at wherever the Agency's head office was. Still, I can't help but wonder… what could that Haruhi be thinking? "Say, Nagato… you wouldn't happen to be capable of reading her mind, would you?" I mean, seriously. What can Yuki Nagato _not_ do?

"No."

Well, that's _one_ thing that Yuki Nagato can't do…

Without warning, Nagato opened her mouth for one of her lengthier explanations. Which is pretty good from one perspective or another, considering she has been opening up more recently.

"Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant has set up measures to protect against any form of mental probing."

Because probing her mind is not fun at all… Images of the totally bizarre thoughts I might stumble across should I try something like that whizzed through my brain. It wouldn't be a pretty sight. "Well, can you at least tell us where she is?"

"I…" Nagato hesitated for a moment, her oozing uncertainty heavily reminiscent of that snowy mountain incident, "I am not sure. Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant has disabled my abilities to communicate with the Integrated Data Entity. However… during my last contact, it was able to provide me with a fact that was definite at the time: Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant was not detected in this timeline."

Definite at the time, eh? That seems to be a past-tense statement, meaning, it might no longer be true. And… maybe you could be more specific with that? I mean, surely your boss could have given you more than just that, with you guys loving pinpoint accurate reports and stuff.

"Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th-"

Uh… for the sake of some of us here, could you shorten her name? I mean, even the usual 'Haruhi Suzumiya' will do. We can differentiate one from the other based on the actions of the one currently being referred to. That kind of reasoning uses context clues, I think…

Nagato nodded ever so slightly before continuing. "According to information from my last contact, Haruhi Suzumiya has returned to her timeline of origin, for unknown and unobservable reasons."

Wait… unobservable?

"Haruhi Suzumiya has isolated her timeline of origin from the rest of the Space-Time Continuum and transported it into a newly-constructed Space-Time Continuum of her own design, equipped with security features that prevent any form of external observation, including that of the Integrated Data Entity. Additionally, all copies of Humanoid Life Contact Interfaces existing within that timeline have assumedly been deleted, or have been deprived of their ability to communicate with the Integrated Data Entity in the same way as I have."

Well that's a mouthful… she seems to have taken every measure to get rid of any outside help.

"Despite the differences, she truly _is_ Suzumiya-san." Koizumi, still smiling, nodded to himself at how amazing she was. I too would be admiring her being so meticulous in her endeavor to ensure that we remain clueless, except for one thing she missed. Leonid Brezhnev.

"Ah?" Koizumi's eyebrow shot up. "Your Russian friend?"

He's not my friend. Why would I want to be friends with somebody as crazy as him? The red in that water turned out to be some kind of futuristic _super _dye or something. Even after the bleach changed my coat from dark green to pure white, the red stain spat out by that toy Makarov was still as solid as when it first dried up! Russian bastard and his practical jokes… anyway, I remember him giving me a clue. "It's not really much, but seeing as how things are right now, it's the only lead we have."

"And that clue would be…?"

"He told me to search for something called 'Scribe'."

"'Scribe', you say?" the esper's perpetual smile broke into that other expression of his that I'd grown familiar with: the overly serious façade.

"That's what he said."

"Nagato-san," he looked at the humanoid life contact interface, who, through all this, remained as cold and statuesque as she had always seemed from the very beginning. I can imagine she must be pretty shaken on the inside despite her programming, considering what Haruhi had done to her. The fact that we didn't need to be in some mysterious mansion (read: weird alternate space) on a snowy mountain for Haruhi to be able to cut off her ability to connect was an even greater testament to her power. "Do you have any idea what this 'Scribe' might be?"

"I reiterate: Contact with the Integrated Data Entity has been severed by Haruhi Suzumiya. It is impossible to make use of its database to search for a definition on 'Scribe'."

Pardon me, Nagato, but… isn't it unusual for you to dodge the question? Is there something you're hiding from us?

"No."

"Ah, I see…" I sighed. "So do you know about 'Scribe'? Was it included in your final contact?" This matter had to be pressed on, if the Russian was convinced it to be our only hope.

"'Scribe' is a pet program created by Haruhi Suzumiya. Every other detail aside from this fact is completely unknown."

"Do you know where we might be able to find it?" Possibly the most important question of all.

"No."

Damn! There goes our only hope! Now I could relate to how the Princess probably felt when she saw the Dark Lord behead the Wise Old Warrior.

"Now Kyon, let's not be so hasty in our actions."

Koizumi grasped my shoulder hard. Okay, you've got my attention. What is it?

"Don't you find it suspicious?"

Hmm?

"The fact that, as your story goes, he appeared immediately after the other Asahina-san vanished?" The serious expression on his face had not left. Whatever this situation was, he certainly didn't like it. None of us did. "Didn't it ever occur to you that he might have been responsible for it in the first place?"

"Actually, no. The way that Asahina-san (big) put it, it seems like the primary suspect would be the other Haruhi."

"Think about it for a moment. He was able to offer a complete explanation, and even had ten minutes to spare. If I were the other Suzumiya-san, I would have eliminated him before he even had a chance to tell you anything. Clearly, the other Suzumiya-san had _allowed_ him to brief you on what's going on."

What's your point?

"What I'm saying, is that we shouldn't be so quick to trust somebody like Brezhnev, who, unlike Asahina-san, Nagato-san, or myself, you don't meet or interact with on a daily basis. Neither has he assisted you in any solid way, unlike we, who are clearly on your side. It's the equivalent of accepting candy from a complete stranger."

You know, now that you mentioned it, that point actually makes sense.

"Exactly. Furthermore, the only person capable of confirming whether or not Brezhnev is on our side, that is, the older version of Asahina-san, is not present. For all we know, he might even be working for the enemy." Koizumi's smile returned. "Of course, this could also be some clever psychological warfare on the other Suzumiya-san's part, making circumstances so that Brezhnev would not be so easy to trust, knowing that we would notice these little suspicious details. Either way, there are equal possibilities of the Russian being a friend, or being a foe. We must treat this matter carefully, lest we wish to fall into the enemy's trap."

The enemy, eh? The enemy that trapped us in that god forsaken snowy mansion for an indeterminate amount of time… the enemy that almost ran over that bespectacled boy who would someday invent time travel and happens to live near Haruhi's place. And now, it's become a possibility that this same enemy was planning to lure us into performing some kind mystery activity involving a program called 'Scribe'. Wait a second… which Haruhi created it, anyway? The statement itself was rather vague, and there weren't enough context clues. Our Haruhi could have created it subconsciously for one reason or another – hell, probably even without a reason to -, and the other could have done so at a whim. I guess I'll have to ask her later.

"As it is our only lead, however, it seems as though we have no other choice but to follow it." Koizumi checked his phone, shaking his head before showing me that on its little LCD screen, there were no signal bars. "It's a risk, but the only other option we have is to sit and wait for the end."

I don't know about you people, but I'm sure as hell not gonna do that.

"Oh, don't worry. Neither of us would like to do that. Am I not right, Nagato-san?"

"…."

I thought I saw Nagato's hair sway slightly, maybe when she tilted her head just a micrometer downward.

"You know, the irony in all this is that it was Haruhi who told me awhile ago, never to trust information from the suspect."

"Yes, that is… kind of ironic."

"So where do we start looking?"

Koizumi thought for a moment. "It seems as though even under different circumstances, the two of them somehow manage to think along the same lines, the same channel, if you would, under a different filtering."

Where did you get that idea?

"The fact that, as you said, our Suzumiya-san warned you to not trust information from the suspect while, on the other hand, the other Suzumiya-san has given us a situation in which the only clue, the only information we have, is from a suspect."

Sounds like another wild speculation to me… and like all your wild speculations, they all make sense. It's just typical of Koizumi to talk about nonsense and somehow convince you that it was a valid argument. You should take up Law when you go to college. You can't possibly lose a case with that skill of yours. The esper bowed at the compliment. Honestly, you don't have to do that! "What does that idea have to do with looking for 'Scribe' anyway?"

"Based on this hypothesis, the only person who can help us now, is Suzumiya-san herself."

And… how the _hell_ do you expect us to get her to help without revealing the whole thing?

"Our Suzumiya-san and the other Suzumiya-san seem to have similar, if not identical, perceptions of the same concept. Perhaps you could just call her up and tell her that you lost something, and would like some advice, or perhaps even some help, on how to find it."

"What are you, nuts?" Haruhi would kill me for asking for something so absurd right out of the blue!

"It's just speculation, really."

Sighing in defeat, since we really didn't have anything else to ride on, I picked up my phone and speed dialed that dreaded number.

"What, did you find anything?" the voice on the other end was expectant on one part, ecstatic on another. She seriously believed that I was calling to give her an update on the Asakura Case… considering that until now, that would have been the only reason for me to call her, then I don't really question such logic.

"Actually, it's more of… I lost something."

"Ehhhh? Well what do you want me to do about it? Do I look like a Lost and Foundry to you?"

"Well uh…"

I heard Haruhi growl in frustration before saying, "Fine! I'll help! But you owe me lunch! Got it?"

"Yeah…" As if I didn't pay for just about all of your expenses whenever I'm with you.

"Okay, so what did you lose?"

"Actually, I don't know what-"

"How can I help you if you don't know what you lost!? Hell, how can you even know that you lost something if you don't know what it is!?" I had to bring the phone away from my ears as the pitch and volume of her voice rose to unbearable levels. And the loudspeaker wasn't even on… "Figure out what you lost first _before_ you ask for my help to find it! That way, you're not wasting my precious time! Speaking of which, for already wasting my time with such a meaningless call, you now owe me _two_ lunches!"

Ever the one to mercilessly dish out penalties, aren't you, Haruhi? "Alright… you got it-" It was only then I realized, that I was hearing the familiar beeping that said she had already put her phone down. "Looks like that's it then. Until we figure out what we 'lost', there's no way we're going to find 'Scribe'."

As it were, the meeting officially ended there. Nagato silently entered the elevator and presumably went up to her room, and Koizumi went… wherever his place is. Myself? In the middle of this winter chill and wearing my school shoes so embarrassingly, I went home.

* * *

It was about six when I got home. Apparently, nobody noticed the sorry mess of the meatbag that was me crawl up the stairs and into the nearby room, collapsing on the bed. I didn't bother to remove my coat, since the heater was off.

This 'Scribe' hunt was really starting to get to me. How the hell am I supposed to look for something, if I didn't even know what it looked like? Yet another moment where Haruhi's logic totally coincided with my own. So that would mean that the first thing I have to do tomorrow, is to lose something… on purpose? Then I have to ask Haruhi to help me find it? That's… kind of ridiculous, if you ask me.

Well if I'm going to intentionally lose something, then that would mean it would have to be something important if I'm going to convince Haruhi to help me find it. Yes, she might have said she would help me look for it, but the fact stands that if the lost item isn't significant enough to be 'worth her time', then she'll probably retract those words but still hold me to one of the two lunches I owe her. In the end, a win-lose scenario.

Let's see… I weakly turned to the side, scanning my room for whatever important thing I could just carelessly misplace somewhere and subsequently have to find again. Still, thinking about it this way, if you were to intentionally misplace something, then you would know where to start looking for it. Of course, if some mysterious forces were at work here, and I'm more than certain that there are, then that would mean that the thing would no longer be where I would be looking for it, right? Or at least, that's just another crazy assumption that I'm making over this little issue.

Another thing continued to taunt me. Nagato said that 'Scribe' was a program. But nobody, except possibly the other Haruhi, if she was the one who made it, knew what it was. How then would we be able to use it? Maybe Nagato could figure out what it does when we do find it? Yeah, that has to be it…

As I started to drift off, with these stressful thoughts running through my mind, somebody, I really didn't have the strength left to figure out who it was at once, burst into my room and started shaking me. My mom telling me it was dinner time? No, dinner's at seven. Could that much time have passed already? I mentally shrugged. My dad? No, he's off on a business trip. Shamisen does _not_ have hands that big. Hell, he doesn't have hands at all. Besides, Shamisen would be that furball lying down next to me, all curled up. Just like him to always be asleep, that lazyass cat. That left only one last possibility…

"C'mon, Kyon!" That was my little sister, alright… "Get up! I need your help."

I lazily swatted her hands away. Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm dead tired? And why don't you ask Mom to help you?

"Because it's your responsibility, Kyon!"

The hell are you talking about? I don't have any obligation to help you with whatever silly Monday night homework you have. Sure, I might volunteer sometimes, but now is _not_ one of those moments. I'm too tired to think, anyway, so I'd be about as useful as Shamisen when it comes to assisting you with your take-home assignment.

"Silly Kyon! It's not my homework, it's your jigsaw puzzle!"

Jigsaw puzzle? What jigsaw puzzle? Ah, right… the one my aunt gave me for my fifteenth birthday… that one depicting the sunset skyline of Kobe, complete with the fluffy white clouds and that V-formation of birds flying off into the setting sun. Well guess what. I don't feel like doing any puzzles either. I have enough of those on my hands as it is.

"That's not it either! I'd love to solve your jigsaw puzzle, but I just can't find it!"

Hmm? I opened my left eye to see her sweet little face almost in tears. Honestly, all this ruckus over a missing jigsaw puzzle?

"It's your gift from Oba-san, so you have to help me find it!"

Bah. Mom can help you with that. I can't even move a muscle here. Wait a minute… My sister was disturbing me for a jigsaw puzzle… a _missing_ jigsaw puzzle… a missing jigsaw puzzle that belonged to _me_. What kind of ridiculously convenient coincidence is this? I lost a jigsaw puzzle, or rather, my sister discovered that I had lost it, just as I was contemplating on losing things. Great! Now I don't have to lose something on purpose anymore!

Nevertheless, the enthusiasm of my mind could not keep up with the weakness of my body. As if taking my earlier advice, my little sister snorted and said something about not letting me play it when she and mom _did_ find the jigsaw before running out of my room again. Can you even remove the playing rights of somebody when he _owns_ the damn thing? Ugh… there wasn't really much energy left for me to do anything. With that conclusion, I just let myself slip into a state of slumber, with the quiet hope that I don't suddenly wake up in a gray copy of the school with nobody but a certain girl to keep me company…

TBC…

* * *

AN: Aaaaaaaand, that's it for this chappie. I'm really scared about the characterizations here, and I hope that I got them right. Yes, I don't worry too much of the plot, I have most of it worked out. I'm just worrying about how I'm having them act. Isn't everybody afraid of making them act wrong? To make up for leaving you all so badly disappointed with a pathetic little excerpt last time, I leave you with this:

"You forgot your shoes," the voice from the unidentified number said. Despite being unidentified, that voice was pretty familiar. Before I could ask and confirm it though, the call had already ended.

That point stressed out, I only realized now that I had indeed completely forgotten about the fact that my outdoor shoes were _still_ in my shoe locker, ever since I put them there yesterday. Well this is great. I looked over at Koizumi and Nagato, who were still examining the trunk full of toys and games.

"Who was it?"

"Some concerned friend or something," I shrugged.

"I see…" the esper flipped the box of my previously missing jigsaw puzzle, analyzing it as if it were entirely new to him. Isn't that Nagato's job?

"Look, you guys just keep on figuring this problem out. I'll be back as fast as I can." That having been said, I made my run back to the shoe locker to finally switch shoes. Hopefully, I don't make such a scatterbrained mistake again.


	6. It's Not a Continuum Transfunctioner

AN: If this chappie seems a tad bit short to you, the most likely reason would be the fact that it was supposed to be part of the previous chapter. Indeed, the title for this one was supposed to be used as the title for the last one had it not been for the last minute change in plan (that is to say, splitting this part and the previous chapter due to length). Asakura's mysterious part in these shenanigans may or may not be revealed here.

Disclaimer: You wanna know who the One True God is? It's Tanigawa-san! Worship Him, the one who created and owns Haruhi!

**Chapter 4: It's Not a Continuum Transfunctioner**

When I turned fifteen, my aunt gave me a jigsaw puzzle that depicted the sunset skyline over Kobe. Kobe is the city right next to ours, just so you know. Anyway, when I first gazed upon that orangey box cover, I don't remember giving it any thought other than considering the fact that it was orange, and that there was a small flock of birds near the top left corner flying in a highly nostalgic manner into the sunset. After she left, I casually deposited it on my shelf, and promptly forgot that it even existed.

Who would have thought that such a simple, innocent looking puzzle game would turn out to be such an important clue that helped decide the fate of, as that crazy-ass Russian put it, 'an infinity of timelines'? I shivered in my coat as I stepped outside into the cold January morning. Nobody said it was going to be snowing today!

And yet, there they were, the little flakes descending like dandruff freshly brushed off of Zeus' scalp or something like that. Yes, not exactly the most positive simile I could think of, but I wasn't really feeling positive about this snowfall. Now you're probably wondering where my school shoes are. Not to worry, they're safe in my bag. I brought a pair of snow boots with me today, and for good reason: the stuff was already in by several inches. Damn that clueless weather forecast.

Maybe Haruhi decided today would be a good day to go skiing or something. The fact is, however, that this was mostly wishful thinking on my part. She had called me at around 4AM, continuing to rant on about the case for the Return of the Knife-Hugging Psycho. This obsession has become something most unhealthy… for me, at least. Honestly, what is that girl thinking, always disturbing me at such ungodly times? Give me a break already. Don't you usually forget about some investigation if you wind up at a dead end? The thought of what she did after checking out the Computer Society President's apartment came to mind. 'It'll work itself out', she said, before strolling on home.

As I began the snow-infested trek up that cursed hill, I felt the familiar energetic slap on my back. Though judging from the intensity, it was a lot more energetic than usual. "Yo."

I was faced with the biggest idiot grin on Taniguchi's face since I'd met him.

"Guess who's got a date with the AA+ tonight!"

"Your brother?" Weak comeback, but enough to reflect my sentiment towards the idea. Taniguchi didn't even have a brother that I was aware of. The very thought of this poor bastard getting a date with anybody who even came close to scoring an 'A' on his personally designed list, hell, anybody worth dating at all, was exactly the same as the thought of seeing a day where Haruhi acted like a normal high school girl: an impossible dream.

"Very funny, Kyon!" a left jab into my shoulder. "I'm serious, man! I managed to bag Asakura yesterday!"

I'm sorry… did you just say 'Asakura'?

"That's right!" Taniguchi put a hand on the bicep of his raised right arm, as if posing for some imaginary camera. God, I wish somebody would wipe that annoying grin off his face. I didn't know why he was sporting a pearly white disposition that somehow made Haruhi's five-star smile almost pale in comparison. I don't even know _how_ he was nearly able to beat something that could easily win an Oscar for 'best facial expression' or some similarly fictitious award. It was already blinding enough a moment ago. "You look surprised," he teased.

"I don't know what you're talking about." We passed by a full-size glass window store, and that's where I saw the inane reason. My face was twisted into something that I couldn't even begin to call an expression. My eyes were practically bugging _and_ bulging out in a cartoonish manner, and I could swear my lower jaw was more or less dislocated like a snake's would, suspended by the flesh of my cheeks. If this were some manga, you could exaggerate that appearance, and maybe, with some proper shading and swirly lines at the right positions, give off a comedic effect that would make anybody laugh. I should try asking the Manga Club for some drawing tips so that I can immortalize this candid moment and burn multiple copies at the stake. I was so ashamed of how I looked. And that idiot Taniguchi was taking it as a compliment.

For all that's good and holy, Taniguchi, leave her. She'll kill you once it crosses her mind that your death might somehow provoke me into provoking Haruhi into provoking some kind of provocative activity that will provoke yet another of her speculated 'Golden Opportunities'. Now how many times did I just mention provoke or one of its variations there? But back on topic, it won't affect me at all.

"What won't affect you at all?" And now Taniguchi's eyebrow was arching upward, obviously having no idea what I was thinking aloud to myself about.

"Oh, no, it's nothing," I waved my hands as if to shrug it off, absurd expression of disbelief replaced with a nervous smile and laugh.

"Well, whatever. I don't have time to worry about your personal issues." Taniguchi shrugged and continued up the hill, looking as smug as he'll ever be. Just what was that psycho thinking, picking Taniguchi to go out with, of all people? Well, that's two girls I'll never fully understand…

When I got to the classroom, Haruhi didn't even wait for me to sit down before repetitively stabbing my back with her mechanical pencil. Her precision was uncanny in that the lead always struck the exact same spot. Either her eyes were sharp enough to see the little gray dot against the dark green background of my coat, or her hands were steady enough so as to hit that spot over and over again. "Hmm?"

"So what did you lose?"

I sighed. "This jigsaw puzzle my aunt gave me for my last birthday." Somehow, I get the feeling that that's not important enough to merit her consent to search.

"Three."

"What?"

"You now owe me three lunches for asking for help to look for something so pointless."

You're really being the penalty giver this week, you know that? Is this your latest punishment game or something? If I give the right answer, you reward me with a fine?

"Would you prefer doing ten laps around the field naked or taking a swim in the river tonight when it's at its coldest?"

"Well, that's uh…" I would salute your generosity in suggesting such alternatives, _mein Führer_, but with such choices, the only good selection is obvious.

"That's what I thought." She smirked. "Honestly, Kyon, don't waste my time for such petty reasons as wanting to play with a jigsaw puzzle."

Hey, I'm not the one who wants to play it. If you're looking for the culprit, here's a clue: she's short, acts a lot like you, and goes to elementary school.

"Oh, so it's your sister who wants to solve the jigsaw?" Haruhi stopped to think for a moment. "Fine then. I'll let you off with two lunches for now, but only because it's your sister who's looking for the puzzle."

Now why is it that her special mention saves me a meal's worth of allowance money? As I pondered this strange turn of events, though I can already think of a few reasons why Haruhi would do something so caring as giving me a discount for the sake of my sister, the bell for homeroom period rang, and Okabe-sensei, punctual as ever, stepped inside. I took a look at the front of the classroom and noticed something rather unusual. Taniguchi was walking back to his seat from the front… What the hell… Was he talking to Asakura or something?

That still-present look of smugness on his face told me all I needed to know. Jackass. I don't envy you at all. In fact, I feel very sorry for you. I can only pray that you don't end up with a knife in your gut within the next few hours. I glanced over at Kunikida, who was apparently now mirroring that comically cartoonish look that I had from the daily uphill battle. Hang in there, man. I know how you feel.

It was almost some twisted variation of Nagato's book-shutting ritual. Taniguchi sat down, and class began. I'm not about to start getting used to that, because it's too out of place to even try. How many periods did I spend staring at my open blank notebooks without writing a single character now? Yes, I was too distracted to do what I come to this damned school for in the first place. Now, at this point, I know I have to improve on my grades and all that, but seriously… with the kind of life I'm currently living, failing high school seems insignificant.

However, a certain classmate of mine demanded that I _also_ had to take care of that part of my life. Why? For the simple, selfish reason that if I ended up as a lowly dropout, it would make her club look bad. Why don't you help do something about this and tutor me too, eh? Hell, I'll probably be able to get to know that bespectacled kid better if in your laziness, you decide to hold his tutorials alongside mine.

"Taniguchi seems to be looking more of an asshat than usual," she commented as the lunch bell rang.

Shouldn't you already be set to Warp 10 and on your merry way to the cafeteria by now?

"Normally, yeah. But don't you think it's strange? He's been smiling like that since this morning."

Ah, so you're also one to notice. Well, of course. How could this highly observant girl, who always has both eyes open in her search for the paranormal, miss something abnormal in a usually normal setting? "Eh, the idiot managed to land himself a date with Asakura tonight or something."

A bunch of startled heads, including mine, whirred around to look at Haruhi when her palms came crashing down onto her desk. This rather loud gesture, which seemed vaguely familiar, coincided with her practically screaming, "AHA! THAT'S IT!"

That's right! That's exactly what it is! Wait a second… why the hell am I agreeing with you on something that I can't even understand? Am I missing some vital point here? "What?"

She hunched over and pulled me back until my seat's backrest was doing some resting of its own on the edge of her desk, before whispering into my ear. "We'll get our info on the case by eavesdropping on their date…"

My reaction? Well, let's see… I remember seeing the same expression and stance on Taniguchi when he walked in on Nagato reconstructing the 1-5 homeroom after saving my ass from last May's reenactment of that Trilogy of Terror segment with the Zuni hunting fetish ('fetish' as in 'doll'). Something about having forgotten his stuff? You get the idea. "… What?"

"People usually have their guard down and are more susceptible to parapraxes while having conversations over dinner!"

I'm sorry… can you say that again? Parallel Practice…?

Exasperated, Haruhi threw her hands into the air as she yelled that Greek word again, "Parapraxes! Freudian slips! Jeez, Kyon! You _really_ need to read more, you know that?"

Ah, right… the Freudian slip. But you can't really be serious about that, can you? I mean, last time I checked, you can't possibly get that many Freudian slips over something as mundane as dinner. You can't even get that much information from a single slip anyway.

"Collective release! One slip is related to the next… in that essence, we'll be able to get the info in tiny bits, piece them together, and make sense out of it."

So basically, you're expecting Asakura to slip at least a few times, each time giving us some kind of obscure clue, then treat it like a jigsaw puzzle. From what I can remember, solving mysteries such as this uses deductive reasoning…

"Sometimes, if you can't, you'll have to make use of inductive reasoning! Like a puzzle!"

"Okay, so let's say she _does_ slip enough to give us a rough idea. Who's to say that the slips are about her transfer?" Now one facet of Haruhi's personality that I have come into contact with on several occasions, would be her uncanny ability to seemingly siphon the things she wants to hear out of what somebody says. It's this little bunch of words and phrases, perhaps even sentences, if a person is lucky, that make it through her ear canals and into her brain for processing. There are times, however, where none of what somebody says registers at all. Such skill in shooting down unwanted words more efficiently than an AEGIS Cruiser could take out unwanted ICBMs is truly worth merit! Had she been in command of SDI during the Cold War, the Americans could have attacked the Soviet Union without any fear of nuclear retaliation whatsoever!

Unfortunately, when this power is used against you, well… I hung my head. If ever she did take the effort to listen to what I said, it would probably be something on the lines of, "I got that feeling! All her slips are gonna have something to do with the transfer!" I decided to go back to the last point of the discussion where she was listening. "Speaking of puzzles…"

"Don't sweat it! We can search for your silly jigsaw this afternoon. Then tonight, we'll tail those two!"

"We? You intend on bringing the entire SOS Brigade with you to stalk a dating couple?"

"Of course not! I'm talking about you and me! We'll disguise ourselves as a couple and 'coincidentally' tag along."

Well, if we're talking pretend dates, then maybe we could make it a pretend group date with Koizumi and Nagato? Not that I'm actually asking for it, since those two no doubt have important matters to take care of, but even in disguise, you have no idea how scary it is to go out with you alone.

"What are you, crazy? Group dates attract too much attention! We won't be able to effectively eavesdrop on them that way!"

Now, I'm beginning to wonder how exactly we managed to lose everybody's attention after her two earlier outbursts. But as seemed the case, this was lunch period, and eating or talking with friends was a lot more important than paying attention to oddball Haruhi Suzumiya and her loyal cohort. 'You know, that guy who sits in front of her?' 'What's his name again? Kyon?' 'No, his real name!' 'Actually, not even his family gives a damn about his real name. I heard it was his sister who spread it around.' Seeing as her powers of persuasion were once again hitting me, I had no other option but to concede. "Alright, you win."

"Right! Just so you know, I'm dismissing you early today so I can get my hands on the disguises."

"Does that mean you think we'll find that puzzle quickly?" Now why the hell did I just state the obvious? This is Haruhi we're talking about here! You don't even have to give her a sliver of evidence about something, and her conviction will drive her to believe in it more than any martyr in history!

"With my foolproof item finding method, we'll find it in no time flat! Trust me, Kyon! Has my intuition ever failed us before?"

Not that I recall… nope. Does that mean we're good? I certainly hope so. Because right now, there's another you running around, probably messing with your intuition so that it leads us straight into whatever she's planning. Universal domination, or something like that. 'But that's not what it's all about'. Then what _else_ could it possibly be about? Bah… "What method would that be, exactly?"

It took several hours before she came up with an answer. To be more specific, when she burst into the clubroom this afternoon. Haruhi was holding a pair of brazen L-shaped sticks in her right hand.

…

"Divining Rods?" My eyebrow shot up. You've got to be kidding me.

"Don't be silly, Kyon! Of course I'm serious!" Our commander playfully spun the brass wires around with her fingers. "When you asked me to help you look for something yesterday afternoon, I knew I had just the book for it!" She raised some thick, with a bright yellow and black cover, which read 'Dowsing for Dummies'.

I'll say it again. You've got to be kidding me. How can somebody possibly become an effective dowser after reading a beginner's manual anyway? But let's face it. This is the great Haruhi Suzumiya we're talking about. Some people have gone so far as to tell me she can do anything! Though with the way she was treating those divining rods… "So while you're off divining, what do you want us to do?"

"What you do is simple! Follow me!" Without further adieu, Haruhi positioned the rods parallel each other, and walked out.

I looked at the two other members that were present. Koizumi had his usual vacant smile as he started packing up the chessboard. Nagato didn't even bother to place a bookmark (does she even use them?) as she shut her book. I sighed as I glanced over at the tea brewing kit that was gathering dust in the corner. It was only Tuesday, and already I was craving for more of Asahina-san's divine tea.

My only respite from all the stress of this world, taken away from me just like that! No doubt, the other Haruhi had taken her out for this very reason! After all, she could have just as easily disabled Asahina-san's communications with the future as she did with Nagato and Koizumi's respective groups. It's just like Haruhi to use dirty tactics for her own personal gain…

Haruhi took a few moments to pause and lock the door before resuming the execution her 'foolproof item finding method'. We really had no other choice but to follow her down the hallway.

First stop, the cafeteria. The few students who had no clubs to speak of would pass after-class time here with some drinks and snacks before going home. Our fearless leader wound around tables, chairs, and students, making unexpected turns here and there.

Those who were there watched with a mix of curiosity, amusement, and a 'WTF' on their faces as Haruhi rounded the perimeter of the room one more time before going behind the counter. Wait, are we allowed back there?

"From the looks on the cafeteria lady's face, it seems that way," Koizumi surmised as he waved at the aforementioned staffer, who had that same 'WTF' on her face as everybody else here.

Honestly, does that look like a face that says 'come on in'?

"I was kidding."

It's not even funny…

The SOS-Brigade plowed into the kitchen. At this time, there wasn't much activity. The last batch of whatever was available was already at the counter. These guys in here, a skeleton crew, by the looks of it, were simply cleaning up for the day.

"You know…" a thought struck me as we continued to walk aimlessly in Haruhi's wake. "Isn't dowsing supposed to be for finding minerals and untapped ground water?"

"If it works in locating such important things as those, it's bound to work when searching for something as childish as a puzzle!"

But if the method itself is occult, with zero basis in science, wouldn't modern people consider that childish as well?

"The point is, Kyon," Haruhi never took her eyes off whatever absurd location the rods were leading her to, "Is that it works. I mean sure, divining rods were originally crafted to help dowse for minerals and water, but look at the modern applications! Espers use them to locate corpses when even the police dogs can't!"

And if the police occasionally rely on them that way, then that makes it practically sound, despite not being so to science?

"Exactly!" She faced (or rather, the rods led her to) one of the kitchen counters. This one in particular had leftover chopped cabbage that was going either into the trash or into the compost pit. It really depends, if the staffer in charge of cleanup was too lazy.

The rods crossed, and as exciting as that might sound, the most excited of this motley crew was none other than our ever-rowdy Brigade Commander. She tucked the parapsychology tools into her skirt pocket and pointed at the door of the counter closet. "It's in there!"

How am I supposed to believe that my jigsaw puzzle magically jumped from my house and into an under-counter storage space in the school kitchen? I shook my head as I followed Haruhi's finger down to the handles and pulled it open. The kitchen staff continued to stare as I peered inside. Stored up kitchen utensils, pots, pans, and maybe a cockroach or mouse hiding in some dark corner. Nope, no jigsaw puzzles here.

"What!?" Haruhi shoved me out of the way and examined it herself, going so far as to displace the neatly arranged contents, instead piling them on the tiled floor as she stuck her head and upper body inside. Upon merely confirming my earlier conclusions, she growled and, as quickly as she threw the tools outside, returned them to their places in perfect order, as though they had remained untouched.

"Perhaps they were improperly aligned?" Koizumi suggested.

It had always occurred to me that divining rods aligned themselves properly once you got into position. So how, pray tell, can they be not properly aligned?

"This might be the case," he continued. "I recall seeing this documentary where an esper detective was unable to find a corpse until the very end simply because he forgot to properly align his divining rods." That's gotta be the dumbest story I've ever heard. Images of some guy in a trench coat and fedora trying to 'adjust the alignment' of a pair of rods in his hands came to mind.

"The book says this is the proper alignment!" Haruhi countered.

I'm not really surprised that you also have the photographic memory to remember an illustration in a book or something. Still, it's a 'for dummies' book, and I'm sure it doesn't cover searching for missing objects instead of just minerals and water…

"It must be their charge!" She recovered the divining rods from her pocket and gave them a look that said 'I'm recharging their chi using energy from my own reserves!'

I shook my head in pity as I saw the kitchen staff continue their staring. While it was obvious that they had no idea what in God's name was going on, it was also pretty obvious that our sudden intrusion was bothering them. At the end of all this, Haruhi led us out of the kitchen and continued the search. It took us about half an hour to sweep at least three locations, two of them outside the school, until we finally came to Haruhi's 'best bet', the main library storeroom, that same library I had once taken Nagato. Tell me, if this was your best bet, then why the hell did we have to spend half an hour running around town like a bunch of idiots, searching in places that were less-than?

"I wanted to make absolutely sure!"

Figured you'd say that. The librarian paid us no heed and returned to performing her mid afternoon duties as we silently opened up the storeroom and stepped inside. It was a dusty old place, the kind that told you that nobody had been there in a long time. Webs were already coating several of the shelves that were inside. Termites probably had colonies in between the rat bitten pages of the books that lined them. Haruhi sallied forward to the very end of the room, and stopped when the rods crossed yet again.

Tucking them away into her skirt pocket, the great leader of the SOS Brigade looked down at her discovery. It was a large cube of sorts, plain black, with no decorations whatsoever. If this was some kind of box, then it must have some kind of manufacturing error. I can't see any means to open it at all.

"That's because it's a puzzle box!" Haruhi grinned as she crouched to the geometric shape's level.

So it's a puzzle box, eh? While I have no idea how to solve it, I can bet that Nagato would be able to figure out the fastest way to crack this little safe open. She probably didn't even need to solve it to open it up. Just a flick of her bogus magic and the thing would break open like an egg on the edge of a mixing bowl. "Now what are you doing?" I asked as Haruhi started fiddling with the thing.

She ran her fingers over the smooth black material in an almost perverted manner, stroking this side and that for the next several seconds. Finally, she stopped at the center and pushed down with both thumbs. You could imagine how surprised I was when the top half suddenly popped open, revealing its contents: a pile of assorted puzzles, on top of which lay a very familiar box… the interesting part in all of this was that that particular box was not at all dusty, as opposed to everything else in there. Would somebody actually go through all the trouble of stealing my jigsaw puzzle in the middle of the night just to put it there? I don't believe this…

"You know," Haruhi picked up the jigsaw box and casually said, "I remember somebody gave me one just like this some years ago."

"Was it at Tanabata?" I asked.

"How'd you know?" she shot me a suspicious glance.

"Wild guess," I lied. Don't tell me I'm going to have to go back to that night again and give her this stupid thing… "Who gave it to you?"

"My aunt," Haruhi paused to think. "Why are you so interested anyway?"

"It's nothing. Forget it." I waved her off.

"Well, here you go," she tossed the box at me and started out the door. "We're done for the day. I still have to get our disguises for tonight. Also, remember those two lunches!" And with that pointless reminder, that girl disappeared from sight, being so kind as to slam the storeroom door shut on her way out.

I looked closely at the box. This was definitely mine, alright. But why the hell am I going to give this over to Haruhi? She was obviously lying about her aunt giving it. I could tell. Well, it's not like I'd be missing it, but whatever. Knowing Asahina-san (big), the only explanation she would give me if I asked for an answer to 'why' was that it was predetermined. And so, to keep things in proper order, I'm going to have to give this stupid puzzle to her three and a half years ago. Sorry Sis, but there are more important things than your wanting to play with a puzzle you never even tried before.

"So this is 'Scribe'?"

Nagato didn't budge. It took approximately five seconds before she gave her reply. "I… don't know."

Well that's just great. Just what was the exact extent of your screwing around with Nagato, Haruhi? Don't tell me you deleted her ability to speak other languages too just because you thought it would be funny.

The interface shook her head. "I am still fully capable in communicating in all forms of organic and data-type information transfers." That's good to hear. "However, my abilities in determining whether or not a physical object is an avatar for a program have been disabled."

"It's entirely possible that this jigsaw puzzle is an indirect clue, something that will lead us to 'Scribe', but not 'Scribe' in itself." Koizumi mused. "The most sensible clue here is that 'Scribe', or at least its physical appearance, falls under the same set as this jigsaw puzzle."

"In short?"

"While this puzzle might not be 'Scribe'," Koizumi turned to look at the box full of assorted puzzles. A 15-puzzle, scattered Tangram, unsolved Sudoku table, slitherlink, Rubik's Cube, 10-piece Tower of Hanoi, and the scattered pieces of a 10-piece Soma Cube littered the inside of the puzzle box, all apparently waiting to be toyed with. Even if I did have the free time to do so, I'd rather not. Thinking, moreover solving puzzles, was never my strong spot anyway. "One of its companions might be it, or perhaps, all of them comprise a small portion of the program as a whole. Either way, with how things are looking right now, the only way we'll be able to ascertain this is if we activate 'Scribe'."

"And… how do you propose we do that?" That philosophical esper gave me the worst reaction he could possibly have. I bet he was practicing it at home to make himself more convincing. Koizumi shrugged.

I turned to look at the ever increasingly unreliable Nagato. Her hair swayed slightly, as if a miniscule gust of wind had swept through them. That would be a no. I sighed in defeat. This girl was a real pain in the ass no matter which timeline she's from. It was at that instant that my phone rang. Upon checking the screen, I was enlightened to the fact that the number was unfamiliar, something that struck me as odd.

I flipped it open and answered. "Who is this?"

"You forgot your shoes," the voice from the unidentified number said. Despite being unidentified, that voice was pretty familiar. Before I could ask and confirm it though, the call had already ended.

That point stressed out, I only realized now that I had indeed completely forgotten about the fact that my outdoor shoes were _still_ in my shoe locker, ever since I put them there yesterday. Well this is great. I looked over at Koizumi and Nagato, who were still examining the trunk full of toys and games.

"Who was it?"

"Some concerned friend or something," I shrugged.

"I see…" the esper flipped the box of my previously missing jigsaw puzzle, analyzing it as if it were entirely new to him.

Isn't that Nagato's job? "Look, you guys just keep on figuring this problem out. I'll be back as fast as I can." That having been said, I made my run back to the school to finally switch shoes. Hopefully, I don't make such a scatterbrained mistake again.

Okay, so 'making my run back to the school' was easier said than done. It was _still_ snowing, the little white flakes giving me this cold feeling that said they were planning something against me. The most intense part of this snowy battle was the trek uphill and back to North High. How many inches was the depth now? Ah, whatever. That's what these high-class snow boots are for!

I fought my way into the lobby and located my shoe locker, opening it. Knowing that I was opening it thanks to an odd tip I had gotten via a mysterious caller, I wasn't at all surprised by the fact that there was a note sitting on top of my outdoor shoes. What was surprising, however, was when I picked it up. There were actually two separate sheets of paper. One of them appeared to have been hurriedly cut out from a sheet of A4 paper with a pair of scissors, with some statement in Cyrillic printed on it. At the bottom of that was a long string of weird symbols. In a way, they seemed… almost like a signature of sorts, but what kind of idiot would write (or maybe print, since it was too neat to have been written) his signature in some confounded code language anyway? It's not like anybody else was going to see this letter aside from Nagato, Koizumi, and myself. I shrugged and pocketed it.

The other one was a more familiar style, ripped out of a notebook and with a direct-to-the-point message scribbled onto it. _"Surrender 'Scribe' to me."_ The last time I had encountered such a letter was the day when I first started to take this whole crazy world seriously: when cheerful class monitor Ryoko Asakura tried to stab me with a combat knife. So let's have a recap here. The Russian, who may or may not work for the enemy, tells us that 'Scribe' is our only hope. Asakura, who has changed allegiances from her old boss in the Extremist Faction to the other Haruhi, wants me to 'surrender' 'Scribe', perhaps with threat of _painful_ retaliation if I don't.

The way I see it is this: if Brezhnev is with us, and 'Scribe' is in fact our only hope, then Asakura is trying to get 'Scribe' so that we can't use it against her new boss, that is, the other Haruhi. If Brezhnev is with the enemy, and 'Scribe' is some kind of trap, then why would Asakura want to get it off our hands?

"Perhaps 'Scribe' poses as much a threat to her new employer as it does to our Suzumiya-san," Koizumi explained when I got back. And no, I didn't forget to put my outdoor shoes in my bag after stuffing the letters into my pocket. That issue has finally been solved. The two of them looked little different from when I left them, still standing on the same spots from about twenty minutes ago. "As such, it is her duty to protect her new employer at all costs, even if it means intentionally sparing our Suzumiya-san from a trap set by the enemy. She probably believes that such a loss is only minor, or can be compensated for."

So you're saying that she's not taking any chances? But then what if the trap is only for our Haruhi?

"Then either she is not aware of this fact, which is why she is attempting such a move, or 'Scribe' is indeed something we might be able to consider as our 'only hope', and she wishes to take it from us, possibly to destroy it."

That still doesn't improve our chances of surviving from the 50-50 thing. It's just gone from 'Scribe' being 'good or bad' to 'Scribe' being 'good or bad that may or may not be bad for the other Haruhi'. I could tell that something had been going on while I was gone, and that was evidenced by the fact that both Koizumi and Nagato had a pile of books at their feet. You're reading at a time like this?

"I tried searching these books for a solution to our current quandary."

And I can tell that you haven't had any luck. "Anyway, Nagato, it looks like the Russian left me something to read…" I took the first piece of paper from my pocket, handing it over to her. "But I'm not really good at anything other than Japanese and maybe a bit of English."

Nagato took one look at the tiny Cyrillic printout and gazed into my eyes, as if trying to convey some kind of telepathic message. If you were me, you could easily tell how uneasy she felt just by looking at her eyes. The darkness within them swirled with anxiety that only I could read. You think somebody could start paying me for translating what her eyes were saying about her emotions. I mean, it takes a lot of practice for somebody to be able to read somebody so seemingly robotic as Yuki Nagato, and believe me, I've had plenty of it.

"_Make the purpose count_," was all she said, before returning to her usual state of silence.

Now let's have faith in Nagato's translation! After all, she did reassure us that she was still proficient in all types of languages, so it should be something to rival even the professional translation services offered online. Babel Fish is nothing compared to her! Of course, in light of this newfound knowledge, I realized… what does that even mean? And what about the weird symbols? Nagato shook her head in her usual nigh-undetectable way. No clue for you either, eh?

"Haruhi Suzumiya has selectively disabled several of my decryption libraries." I stared at her blankly for a few seconds before she dumbed down her statement. "I am no longer capable of deciphering coded messages such as this."

"So it's a coded message? Who would want to put a coded message there anyway? And why?"

The interface shook her head again. Oh well… I'd better let this issue slide, since apparently, nobody here will be able to explain this code thing to us. Nagato began to stare at the boxful of puzzles. Never seen one of these before?

Koizumi pitched in his two cents. "We can assume that Brezhnev-san had this situation in mind when he printed that clue." Leave it to Itsuki Koizumi to make perfect sense out of a perfectly senseless statement found printed in an Eastern European language on a quarter of an A4 sheet of paper and stashed in some average Joe's shoe locker. "So now then, if we apply this clue to this situation, what do you suppose he means by telling us to 'make the purpose count'?"

Q&A time eh? Well, the purpose of crazy hunt is to find 'Scribe'. As far as I can tell, we're making it count as much as we can.

"True. That situation is currently serving its purpose. However, the current situation is not to find 'Scribe', but to activate it. That is to say, in order to definitively locate the program, we must figure out how to activate it first."

"Well, you already said that 'Scribe' might be one of these puzzle games. I still don't get how we're going to make the purpose of activating 'Scribe' count, though." For once, Koizumi just nodded in agreement.

"I must admit, I'm as stupefied as you are."

The sudden clattering of multiple pieces of puzzle toys on the floor broke the atmosphere. Koizumi and I turned to see Nagato crouched next to the puzzle box, her right hand apparently preparing to reach inside. Around her, the puzzle toys lay scattered. I was somewhat confused at how something like that happened, until the alien tried to pick up one of the pieces of the Soma Cube. The wooden construct flew off in the opposite direction, as though Nagato's fingers were the ends of a magnet that had a like pole with the piece. She moved so fast that she practically teleported to the other side of the room to intercept the cuboid with her hand, which still somehow managed to escape her grasp and flew off in my direction. I had to duck to avoid it. It looks like that Soma piece has a stigma for alien interfaces.

That wasn't all. I also noticed how all the other puzzle games moved away from her in the exact same manner, as though an angry club of poltergeists was trying to keep Nagato from touching them.

"A most bizarre occurrence indeed," Koizumi commented. "The only reason I see for something like this to happen, is if the other Suzumiya-san wishes for it."

"Why would the other Haruhi play such a prank?"

"I think I understand what's happening now."

"Please, enlighten me," I kept an eye on Nagato as she pounced from one shelf to another, trying to catch the flying puzzle pieces. Despite her superhuman speed and reaction time, the things still managed to avoid her grasp. This is really starting to weird me out. "Uh… Nagato… could you um… stop chasing the game pieces please? It's… a little unnerving."

Like a trained soldier who lives for nothing but following orders, Nagato stopped and, as quickly as she had left it, returned to the spot where she was standing, any nearby pieces flying away from her.

"Why would the other Suzumiya-san try to keep Nagato-san from touching these pieces?"

"Hell should I know." That girl has a twisted sense of humor that could just as easily be the reason for this as any sort of ulterior motive.

"I would bet that Nagato-san has already figured out the meaning of the message, am I not right?"

"You are not mistaken."

"That's what I thought. To 'make the purpose count', was written in reference to these games, correct?"

"Yes."

"Therefore, the way to activate, and inevitably, find 'Scribe', is to solve its puzzle. And since Nagato-san's puzzle-solving skills are the most advanced amongst the three of us, the other Suzumiya-san has prevented her with making physical contact with them as she would no doubt, try solving them."

Okay, so let's see here… I took the jigsaw box and opened it. The pieces were all scattered inside, alright. Since Nagato here is our best bet at solving all these puzzles, the other Haruhi is keeping her from even touching them?

"That's what I said."

"But what if she tried to solve the puzzles via data manipulation?"

As though taking that as a cue, Nagato stretched out her hand in the general direction of the jigsaw puzzle, and started chanting. The pile of cardboard cutouts seemingly melted and coalesced into a single mound of goo, which stretched out to cover the inside of the box. I watched with interest as the picture on the cover slowly materialized, followed by the jigsaw lines that said it was a puzzle and not just a pretty painting. The moment all activity stopped, however, the perfectly assembled jigsaw puzzle exploded, sending puzzle pieces in all directions. So she thought of that too, eh?

I picked up the scattered puzzle pieces one by one. It was when I had picked up the last one when Koizumi tapped my back. "What?"

He held in his hand, a completed Soma Cube. "Apparently, we have been allowed to do the puzzle-solving. But with time going against us, might I suggest something else?"

"And you would be suggesting…"

Basically, he had suggested that we ask Nagato to coach us in solving the puzzles to save us time. Surprisingly enough, the other Haruhi hadn't scrambled her puzzle-solving skills, and we soon found ourselves breezing through the puzzle games like they were child's play. This was really starting to bug me. She seemed to be doing many unnecessary and no doubt, more complicated moves in lieu of the simpler, more obvious ones. Why erase Asahina-san from the timeline if she could just disable her communications? Why challenge me to stop her if she could just kill me on the spot? Why keep the puzzle pieces away from Nagato if she could just disable her puzzle-solving skills?

It was almost five o'clock when another complication happened. Left with the Tower of Hanoi, a sheet of Five-Star-Difficulty Sudoku, and a Rubik's Cube, we seemed to be well on our way to finding 'Scribe' via process of elimination. None of the other puzzles, my jigsaw included, created any form of indicator that it was a program. Nagato suddenly stopped giving out instructions as if she had been frozen on the spot. When I looked at her questioningly, she merely shook her head.

"Haruhi Suzumiya has disabled my puzzle-solving abilities."

Okay, maybe it was a late reaction and she only thought of doing it now. Of course, it puzzled me even more that the Tower of Hanoi, which, just an hour ago, was flying away like every other puzzle, actually managed to stay in Nagato's arms when she picked it up. "What the…"

"Perhaps the other Suzumiya-san has realized how much more convenient it is to disable Nagato-san's puzzle-solving skills, as she had not considered us asking for her guidance?"

"She would have done that earlier if that were the case. Besides, why would she permit Nagato to touch the toys now? Wouldn't that just take more effort? Something smells fishy here…"

"Hmm… you're right…" Koizumi rubbed his chin, and looked like he was about to say something, when my phone rang again.

It was you-know-who.

"Kyon, why the hell aren't you home yet!? I told you I was heading over to your house to give you your disguise before we left! I've been waiting here since Four fifteen!"

Being unable to think of any excuse at all, I just mouthed out the first thing that popped into my head. "We're still at the library, solving puzzles."

"What are you, nuts!? Now's not the time to be playing games! One of our classmates told me when and where Asakura and Taniguchi are going out for their date tonight! Six O'clock at some high-class restaurant near Tsuruya-san's house! Do you have any idea what time it is?"

I checked the little clock on my phone. "Four fifty-eight?"

"Exactly! We can't waste time if we want to catch them! Haul your ass back here RIGHT NOW!" With that, Haruhi ended the call. I sighed in defeat. This is crazy.

"Might I suggest that each of us take one puzzle home and try to solve it?" Koizumi checked his watch. "The library closes in a few minutes, anyway. It's pointless for us to stay here."

"Right." I nodded and absentmindedly picked up the Rubik's Cube. "What's easier?"

"The Tower of Hanoi should be simpler than a Sudoku table of this complexity," the esper answered. "Are you suggesting that Nagato-san take the easier one to compensate for her disabled puzzle-solving skills?"

"My thoughts exactly." Paying no heed to what the two of us were talking about, Nagato picked up the sheet of paper with the Sudoku table on it. What the hell was she trying to prove? "Oi, Nagato…" She gave me a look that said to get off her case. Yuki Nagato wasn't giving up that Sudoku any sooner than we were giving 'Scribe' up to Asakura. "Alright… you can have the Sudoku." I looked at Koizumi. "Anything else you'd like to say?" He shrugged. In that case, I guess it's time to go. After placing the solved puzzles back in the box (save my jigsaw), we exited the storeroom and quietly left the library.

TBC…

AN: Ironically, what was supposed to be the shorter second half of a chapter ended up longer than it… --; Anyway, I'm sorry for the delay in updating. Some things are going on in my RL that have prevented me from finishing this sooner. Anyway, don't forget to review! I need comments/constructive criticism to make this thing better, you know? And, as a sort of promise that I'll try updating on time, here's a li'l sumthin' sumthin':

"Hey, Kyon, I almost forgot to tell you that you have to return that suit I borrowed from-" My blood ran cold when I realized who the owner of the voice was. "What's going on here?"

Haruhi had decided to come back to pitch one of her famous follow-up lines… what's worse, was that it was at such an inconvenient time. With the sight of Nagato standing in front of me to act as a shield from Asakura, who was just about to jump us with her combat knife, who knows what that girl was going to think?

Asakura was the first to talk. While apparently surprised, she still had the guts to look like everything was under control. "Ah, Suzumiya-san! I was just about to demonstrate my proficiency with knives to your friends over here!" She began to toy with the knife in an almost professional manner, balancing the tip on her fingernail, or flailing it around in controlled, calculated swipes.

"Where'd you pick up that skill?" Haruhi raised her eyebrow, obviously suspicious. "Canada?"

The knife fetishist scratched the back of her head with her free hand and nodded with a nervous laugh as if an embarrassing secret of hers had been revealed. "That's right. Canada."


	7. Double Dog Date

AN: As per the preview, some stuff will be happening this time around… and things will begin to piece together, methinks… My apologies for the overdue update. My life suddenly got busier with gym, driving lessons, and a forum-based roleplay involving pirates... yes, PIRATES. ARRR!

KxH: Nope, not Tanigawa-san. Just a bloody loyal fan, I suppose.

AD: I read the English translations. As for GA, well, let's just say I made the mistake of allowing the plot and number of characters to get out of hand… a bad tendency. Not to mention the sheer number of Mary Sues I recall having inadvertently created for the time… ugh… bad memories.

Disclaimer: Tanigawa-san owns all rights and stuff to the characters and stuff… K-something studios licenses the animation and stuff… and Bandai does the dubbing and stuff… yes, I've run out of non-witty quips to insert here, so sue me. :P

**Chapter 5: Double Dog Date**

"You expect me… to wear _this_?" It wasn't so much as I didn't expect Haruhi to have brought in a bizarre excuse for a 'disguise'. It was more on the lines of the fact that she was actually seriously telling me that I was without a shadow of a doubt, going to wear it… and on a pretend date, no less! As of now my little sister was 'renting' the gear from our precocious Brigade Commander, prancing around the living room like some kind of mutated monstrosity out to infect the rest of the world with her horrible sense of fashion.

"Of course!" Haruhi answered, full of conviction as always.

She slipped on her own disguise as if trying it out for the first time. It consisted of a pair of wire-framed, sleek-lens glasses… if I had to give an accurate description, I would say that I think I saw them on the newly elected Student Council President on the very few occasions I've seen him… and a blonde wig with its hair oh so conveniently tied into a ponytail. Ah, yes, the ponytail. Did I ever tell you that those things turn me on? Err… anyway…

"You can't expect us to blend in without the proper gear!"

Proper gear, eh? I once again glanced at my little sister, who had now infected Shamisen with the B-Grade monster movie costume and was swinging him playfully around the living room. "Dare I ask, how is this gear proper?"

To my hidden relief, Haruhi nicely asked my sister to return the outfit. And of course, little sis, who seemed to have some sort of silly mutual understanding with 'Haru-nyan', as she had heard Tsuruya-san call my slave-driving boss on more than one occasion, complied, before taking that male tri-colored cat upstairs to probably dress him up some more. Not that I've actually seen my sister play dress-up with the cat. The idea just struck me at the moment. Now explain to me how this gear is proper. I seem to have lost the idea somewhere above the clouds.

"We're going in disguised as a couple!"

That much, I know… but what's with the horrible outfit? Haruhi flashed the monster costume in front of me. The first, and most obvious, article to note, was a dirt blonde wig with its strands flowing wildly down to just past shoulder length, uncombed, and screaming 'WOODSTOCK!' into my brains repetitively. Held by the same hand was a pair of smoke lens sunglasses, bearing a suspicious resemblance to the ones popularized by the late John Lennon. I'm not really the superstitious type, but considering the existence of two crazy female versions of Anthony Fremont in the current scenario, God knows this might be some kind of very bad omen. Last, and certainly the strangest of all, was a tape-on mustache that overall, was probably going to give me the appearance of somebody trying to cosplay the gym leader Blaine when he was disguised as a hippie… "That doesn't explain why I have to wear the stupid mustache. Won't that make me look old?"

"Exactly! The scenario is that you're a rich, or at least, well-to-do man approaching his late thirties, and I'm your young, newlywed bride!"

She even thought up a story to match the ridiculous get-ups… that's Haruhi, alright. But why do _I_ have to be the old one?

"Putting on makeup to adjust my appearance is way too much of a hassle, and the mustache is a much simpler means to create a convincing illusion of age!"

Even if she does hold a strong point, chances are, people will think that my character of rich-or-well-to-do near-midlife-crisis man is a loser who acts younger because he misses his childhood or something, since he wears his hair like that and has sunglasses on. And speaking of which, what kind of idiot wears sunglasses on a cold winter night? Nevertheless, these questions were lost on me, as Haruhi brought out what might become the fanciest suit I'll ever wear. "I have to dress like the part too, eh?"

"That's right." Haruhi answered simply as she removed the plastic dust shield and thrust the suit, along with the abovementioned items, into my arms. "Didn't have time to take your measurements, so I made a wild guess. Get changed now! We don't want to be late!"

Protest isn't really much of an option, especially when it comes to dealing with Haruhi. I have yet to see anybody put up some kind of resistance against her whims and survive unscarred. And so, with this ridiculous luggage in tow, I trudged up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door for that privacy that all men deserve. The silly disguise plopped down onto the bed as I began to remove my own clothes by the layer. Snow jacket, followed by uniform coat, waistcoat, tie, dress shirt… I won't delve any further into the pointless details of me changing. After all, that defeats the purpose of my closing the door for privacy.

As I began swapping my own apparel for some borrowed stuff, I made note of the Rubik's Cube that fell out of my coat pocket and rolled a few feet on the floor before stopping. Hard to believe that this little implement invented by a Hungarian sculptor back in the 70's had a 1-in-3 chance of being some kind of program with a devilishly ambiguous function. It begs me to wonder if 'Scribe' really was worth searching for. To be honest, I'd rather watch the end of the world as we know it because of my negligence, rather than knowingly causing it because of going by a devious tip by an evil Soviet Russian. Nevertheless, if there's a chance that this thing might actually do the opposite, and in fact save us from all this trouble, then the risk is worth it!

My phone rang, with a familiar number flashing on the screen. "Nagato?"

The voice on the other line was rather unexpected. "I've found what seems to be another loophole in the other Suzumiya-san's ploy."

"And what might that be?"

"Instead of holding the phone and causing it to lose signal in the process, I just have to speak into the mouthpiece while Nagato-san is holding it."

Koizumi sounded like he was on Cloud 9. And… is this the only reason why you called me?

"Not entirely. The reason for I called you is that I've already solved the Tower of Hanoi, with unsatisfactory results. The probability of your Rubik's Cube being 'Scribe' has risen to 50."

"Is this supposed to make me happy, or warn me that I might inadvertently give the enemy the upper hand?"

"It was more of the latter, actually, but I suppose you _could_ be happy, if the program does in fact work in our favor. Also, in case you might ask, I've tried contacting my colleagues, to no avail. Apparently, the numbers are active, it's just that none of them are answering. In any case, enjoy your date with Suzumiya-san."

I could imagine that sneaky bastard on the other side of the connection, grinning like he had the whole idea figured out. Trust me, the last thing I want right now is a date with Haruhi. Besides, she calls it an 'eavesdropping session' or something like that. "It is _not_ a date. It is a… tailing operation or something. You know what I mean."

"Of course." Koizumi was probably smiling like a cat right now. "I was just kidding."

Is it just me, or are you doing a lot of that lately?

"Really? I never noticed." The esper cleared his throat. "In any case, I would recommend solving the puzzle as soon as possible. If it doesn't turn out to be 'Scribe', call us."

"Why don't you just call me when you're done solving that Sudoku?"

A nervous chuckle. "Well, you see, Kyon, aside from the fact that Nagato-san's puzzle solving skills have been eliminated by the other Suzumiya-san, I'm an idiot when it comes to Sudoku."

You know, that would actually explain why Nagato insisted on solving it instead of taking the relatively simpler Tower of Hanoi… I would smack you up really good for trying to be heroic when being smart (both ways) counted more, you jackass!

"Allow me to express my humble apologies."

"Yeah, yeah. Anything else that I should be aware of?"

"KYON! _Hayaku!_" Haruhi's voice boomed from downstairs. Aside from the usual explosive volume in her words, there was a very, _very_ evident tone of impatience.

Apparently, it was Nagato's turn to give me an update. "While we made visual contact with Ryoko Asakura as she was leaving this apartment building, she was not detected by my other sensory perceptions. It is possible that she has deployed stealth factors to conceal her IDE signature."

That one got me started on worrying. Stealth factors, huh? Kind of like the first time I went back to December 18th of last year… that time I got stabbed… not exactly the most pleasant of experiences. Ironically enough, we were the ones using that back then. As a first hand user of a data interface's patented Stealth Barrier, I have to say, that thing made me feel like a Yautja out on a hunt for more spines to add to his trophy collection. Not even Nagato's most advanced sensors picked us up until it was too late. And when a high-performance interface is incapable of detecting something shielded by that, then you just _know_ it works. And yet they saw her, meaning the shielding was only partial… But of course. If you're going out on a date with somebody, then you have to show up, right?

"Be careful. I have identified multiple anomalies in this situation on several levels. Probability of some form of underhanded maneuver by our adversaries is very high."

"I'll take your word for it." Not even a goodbye as the next thing I heard was the call end tone. This brigade seriously needs to work on its telecom courtesy. None of them seem to have the concept of greetings.

"Dammit, Kyon! What's taking you!?"

That seemed a lot closer than the last one… The point of this thought was punctuated when Haruhi's boot hit my door with enough force to blow it open. I swear… if I find out the hinges are looser after this, somebody's going to get her ass whupped, even if she _is_ God's own evil twin sister! I came face to face with one of that girl's signature scowls, golden eyes boring holes in me with some kind of laser that makes the Mikuru Beam look like the product of a light and sound toy gun in comparison. A few seconds later, though, these same eyes widened to something more of shock and the face where their sockets lay turned beet red.

Did I mention that I was still in my boxers when the call came and interrupted my changing?

And as quickly as she broke the door open, Haruhi slammed it shut, following that up with some silly admonition. "Next time, tell me if you're already done before opening it!"

Excuse me? You're the one who hit it with your battering ram of a shoe without warning! It's completely your fault!

"Just hurry up and finish changing."

Much obliged, Your Excellency. Just let me slip on this very nice business suit, that crazy headgear, dump the Rubik's Cube into my pocket, and we're all set to cosplay a rich couple! Wait a second… Asakura and Taniguchi are eating at a high-class restaurant. We're cosplaying a rich couple, which means we'll _also_ be spending money at that high-class restaurant, if just to put up face. As I'm the one in the rich-or-well-to-do middle-aged man disguise, it should be safe to assume that it's going to be my responsibility to pay… actually, I don't even have to assume. I _know_ that it's going to be money squirming out of my wallet yet again. That girl never seems to be willing to give any slack to my poor allowance. I can't even save up for something as trivial as a better phone. But honestly, who bothers with better phones anyway? As long as you can call or text message somebody with it, any model will do for me.

I let out a sigh of reluctant acceptance of this fate of mine. Why did they have to be so cruel? Chances are, I'll spend so much tonight that I end up without any money for the rest of the week! Nevertheless, once an opportunity presents itself, I'll surely try something to get my hands on some sort money scheme that actually works. Pyramiding came to mind at first, but I shirked it off just as quickly. Everybody was wise to that one already.

I straightened my snow coat as I opened the door – the hinges were in fact, pretty loose, with very special thanks to Haruhi – and managed a frown as I looked at the perpetrator of this whole mess. "How do I look?"

Haruhi turned her attention to me and pursed her lips as if thinking about what was wrong. "_Baka_The wig's tilted at a wrong angle." After fixing that, she grabbed my gloved hand and began to drag me, as per her SOP whenever dealing with whoever. Down the stairs, across the living room, out the door, and into the several-inch-deep snow. Well, at least Zeus had stopped scratching his head…

That high-class restaurant turned out to be just that: fancy, and to top it off, French. _Les Petit __Château de Versailles_ looked, and even emanated some kind of weird aura that declared its sovereign right to be in the same neighborhood as the Tsuruya Family's mega-mansion. Living up to its name, the restaurant looked like a scaled-down copy of its namesake on the outside, complete with a miniature Grand Canal. Of course, Haruhi paid no heed to all this grandiose (albeit snow-covered) scenery and continued to drag me through the snow, into the lobby. The only time she actually let me stand on my own two feet was when we switched from our boots into more formal shoes, and then shortly after, when we stopped at a counter, behind which stood somebody who I assumed to be the maître d'.

"Reservation?"

"Smith, John and Jane."

So now you're using that alias too, eh? Tanabata was that influential, I suppose.

"What are you talking about?" she mumbled in return. "I got it from that Brad Pitt movie!"

Oh, sure, say what you want. It's not the first time you tried to cover up something inspired by that harebrained night three and a half years ago. I'll just keep my mouth shut and smugly smirk at myself for knowing one of your deepest, darkest secrets. The maître d' raised his eyebrow as he examined the two of us. He must have been thinking the same thing I was: John Smith was suffering from a midlife crisis and was trying to get over it by dressing up as a hippie… or, the simpler explanation, that is, John Smith _was_ a hippie.

The next thing he did was nod and smile, probably at how stupid I looked, and said, with a phony French accent, might I add, "Ah, yes! Madame Smith! So good to finally meet you! At your request, a table has been reserved for you and Monsieur Smith right next to where Mademoiselle Asakura and her companion will be sitting." His eyes shifted from side to side as he leaned over the counter to whisper, "Pardon my being nosy, Madame, but is there any particular reason why you made such a request?"

Oh, great… a nosy restaurateur. Just what we need…

"John-kun and I are close friends with Ryoko-chan's parents, and the two asked us to keep an eye on her date." Haruhi winked, maybe nudged, if she could. How I envy her ability to make up such convincing bullshit out of nowhere.

She stepped on my foot as if to force me into saying something. All I could do was conceal a pained grunt by clearing my throat as I nodded frantically. "That's right…" Dammit, Haruhi, why do you have to wear high heels anyway? I know you feel like we have to dress for the occasion, but must you be so consistent down to the last detail? My pain receptors have been amplified by the cold, just so you know!

"Ah, I see." The scene quickly devolved into something reminiscent of two girls telling secrets to each other at a sleepover (minus the constant annoying giggling) as the maître d' winked back with a knowing smile and pointed at the table reserved for the two of us. With a nod betraying some bit of appreciation, Haruhi pranced over to the table and sat down.

"Window-side, eh? Looks good."

"But of course, Monsieur Smith," the man said, still with that annoying pseudo-French accent of his. "Your wife has an excellent taste in choosing a perfect spot for a romantic atmosphere, no?"

"If you ask me, she's overdoing it." I mean, come on! The main reason we're here is to keep an eye on Asakura, that is, waste our time trying to see how many times she slips, and then try to make sense out of what I believe will be completely incoherent and pointless babblings of her information-based subconscious.

"Oh? Perhaps keeping an eye on your friend's daughter is not her only want for the night, would you not think so?" More nudging and winking on the maître d''s part, as if he were insinuating that Haruhi, I'm sorry, Jane Smith, wanted to spend some quality romantic time with me. Yeah right. He straightened his coat. "Let me ask you something, Monsieur."

"Shoot."

"Do you keep your wife happy?"

Well, if I had to answer you in all honesty, I'd have to say that she's not even my wife to begin with. However, if you get rid of that context, you can say that I'm making every effort to ensure that she doesn't get bored to the point of playing sandcastle and starting over with this world of ours. So yeah, that means, in a sense, I _do_ keep her happy.

"Ah, I see." How many times have I heard somebody say that, and not at all telling me what he has just seen? His leading stare had me glancing in the same direction he was, right over to that reserved table, where Haruhi was now sitting, a visible scowl on her face.

I have to admit though, the ponytail, despite being synthetic, more than makes up for her gloomy mood. "I guess I should head over to the missus then. If what you're telling me is correct, that is."

"Trust me, Monsieur Smith. I am a Frenchman. And when it comes to the topic of romance, particularly how a woman is feeling, nobody is better at that than a Frenchman." Another nudge and wink. This is starting to get annoying.

"I'll take your word for it." You have no idea how much of a lie that last statement was. Besides, you're not even a real Frenchman. That mustache of yours is totally fake. Managing a smirk in return, though I have no idea how he took that, I made my way over to our table, where Haruhi was examining the menu with what looked like a complete lack of interest. "Anything that looks good?"

"Bourgogne Escargots."

Isn't that French for uh… snails, and… um… that first word, I have no idea what it is.

"They're Escargots baked in a style unique to Burgundy," she said matter-of-factly. I can tell now, that what I first took to be a look of lack of interest was actually something I had begun to consider as Haruhi's way of focusing. Don't ask me how, but the general idea would be, once she focuses on something, everything else becomes inconsequential. Or something like that. "5000 Yen."

Right then, let me check my wallet and see just how much money I have. I timidly stole a peek into said wallet. Ten K's, huh? Does this restaurant have combo meals that have drinks included or something? I _really_ can't afford a lot.

"Didn't you think of that earlier?" Haruhi snapped the menu shut. "We're supposed to be a rich or at least well-to-do couple. That means we need to look the part, including the food."

I sighed again and looked for some kind of cheap appetizer on the menu. Chances are, I'll be hungry when I get home. "I guess I'll just have one of these Blueberry Crepes then." 2000 Yen… Combined with the cheap table wine… yes, we're taking wine too, since we're supposed to be adults… that leaves me with… 1K for the rest of the week. How am I going to survive with such a measly sum?

"Don't you have savings or something?"

You're the one who has me spend my savings all the time, my dear Mrs. Smith. I'm betting Brad Pitt's character never had to put up with this kind of torture. The house looked pretty fine, after all… at least before they almost brought it down while trying to kill each other. "Spent it all."

"You should learn to save up for a rainy day, you know that?"

Maybe if you would stop having me spend it all by treating everybody, then just _maybe_ I'd be able to save up enough for a new phone.

"What?"

"Nothing."

The conversation degraded into pure silence reminiscent of that first time I talked to Haruhi, and stayed that way until our orders were served. I could feel the gut-wrenching sensation of my wallet bursting open with all that money being vacuumed out of it by an evil phony Frenchman as each platter and a bottle of that cheap red wine - Haruhi insisted on it because of its antioxidant value – thumped onto the table. A few moments later, the man of the hour finally arrived, with his date in hand.

If I hadn't seen the two flirting earlier this lunch hour, my jaw would've dropped in a manner worse than it did this morning when I trudged my way uphill through the snow. Elbows locked, and with Taniguchi being the sly dog who tries to act like a gentleman, he pulled out a seat for Asakura, allowing her to sit down before doing so himself. I never thought he could put up such a face. He certainly shines when he's up to it.

I glanced for a moment at the counter. As if he were expecting me to do just that, the maître d' gave me a thumbs-up, as well as another wink. Stop it already. You're starting to look like somebody I know who's just as annoying. When I turned to face Haruhi, her head was now buried between some sheets of newspaper that just seemingly magically appeared. And just where were you keeping those? She didn't say anything, only pointed her thumb at the rack behind her chair, where more copies were stacked.

Honestly, stop acting like a Cold War spy. You're not wearing a trench coat, sunglasses and fedora, you're not sitting on a wooden bench in some park, and you're _definitely_ not waiting for a fellow agent to make a dead drop in the wastebasket right next to the bench that you're not sitting in. Haruhi remained silent as she lowered the paper to reveal her face, and put a finger to her lips, cocking her head in the direction of where the two were now casually chatting about pointless things. Fine. I'll concentrate too… after I eat this crepe that I spent a fifth of my weekly allowance to pay for.

In the end, the two of us never touched the red wine, as Haruhi instead ordered a pitcher of drinking water. Furthermore, she didn't even offer me a single one of her snails. Not that I mind. The idea of spearing the soft mollusk with a fork while in its shell is synonymous to more effort, which I've spent enough of for today. Still, I had to hand it to Haruhi. She could suck the things straight out without making a single noise. How _do_ you do that?

I resigned myself to trying to solve that Rubik's Cube while paying a little attention to Taniguchi and Asakura's small talk every now and then, since our fearless leader was busy pretending to read the paper, therefore, keeping me safe from her prying eyes. The conversation was mostly about school, and what's more, Taniguchi was doing most of the talking, with Asakura saying things like "I see", "Oh yes", "Of course", "Ah", and any other derivatives of the earlier phrases.

I heard Haruhi's newspaper crumple with her suddenly tightening grasp as Taniguchi finally said, "So tell me… what's with you and Canada?"

Now according to Haruhi Theory No. 1109, yes, that number is arbitrary, once a person warms up to another in small talk over dinner, that person becomes more susceptible to making Freudian slips. Now is the time to put that theory to the test!

"Well, as Okabe-sensei announced the day I left, my father had received a job transfer."

Clearly not a slip. She's just sticking to the story that Nagato had fabricated for her.

"But if you really want to know the details, well…" She looked up as she touched her chin with a finger in thought. In fairness, she looks kinda cute that way, unless you know that she's a psychotic knife maniac who kills people for her own personal advancement in the race to obtain data. Her eyes then slid over in our direction, as if suspecting something. In particular, they landed on the plastic puzzle I was holding in my hands. Then she _smiled_. Oh shit…

"Yeah…?" Thank God for Taniguchi's horrible timing to say something! Her attention immediately returned to her date, sparing me from a fate involving multiple stab wounds to the head!

"Oh, yes. You see, my father works as a Senior General Manager of this company. He delves into highly sensitive projects that require his immediate presence. Soon after the school year began, the company moved the project over to its Canadian branch, and with it, my father."

Now where the _hell_ did you get such a story? So much ambiguity and provocative terminology… 'sensitive projects'? That's just the kind of thing that would have Haruhi going gaga and yelling out multiple conspiracy theories! Wait a minute… might that be exactly what you want? Excite Haruhi? I mean, she obviously knows that it's the two of us here and now, in disguise and listening in on their conversation. Could it be that she's seeding false information to provoke Haruhi into doing something rash?

"As he was so considerate, Father allowed me to move back here on my own after I told him about how much I missed you guys." She winked at Taniguchi, who only grinned in response. Dammit… is winking becoming as contagious as yawning these days? "Besides, his project will be completed in a few weeks, so I won't be alone at home for long."

That was more or less the last thing that they spoke of with any relation to what we were looking for. After that, the conversation shifted back to trivial and pointless things, with some eating on the side. Finally, after two or so hours of sitting at the table, Taniguchi called for the bill and, once it came, immediately shoved a fistful of cash into the waiter's hands. Now where did he get all that money?

Haruhi allowed them to finish up and pass by before she called for our own bill. Feeling that crushing feeling of losing so much money in one night return, I reluctantly surrendered the precious scraps of paper to the waiter, who merely asked us if we had a good time before leaving with a smile on his face.

"Looks like we got more than we were expecting," Haruhi said to me, a wide grin now plastered onto her face. "But I get the feeling that there's more!" She quickly grabbed my hand and dragged me out of my seat as I barely managed to put the Rubik's Cube, now with two sides left to solve, into my pocket. "Let's tail them home!"

We stopped for a moment at the counter, where the maître d' seemed to have an odd look on his face. I would call it one of disappointment, but it just doesn't look like it… maybe close, but maybe not. "When I asked Mademoiselle Asakura, she told me she sends you her parents' regards. Though I doubt she was aware that you were spying on her. You did such a good job of maintaining a veil of inconspicuousness after all!"

Great… now even complete strangers are kissing Haruhi's ass. Who's next? The Prime Minister? The Pope even? Her face lit up for a moment. "Did you say she sends us her parents' regards?"

"_Oui_."

She stopped herself before she could open her mouth to say something like "WTF". I can totally understand how you feel. You made up the story on the spot, and yet somehow Asakura caught wind of it and decided to play along. Furthermore, you didn't tell her anything that has to do with your made-up story.

"Well then, we should get going! _Ja_!" I didn't even have the time to fasten my seatbelt before the Haruhicoaster started up again and dragged me off towards the shoe racks, but not before I managed to see that damn phony Frenchman winking at me. I swear… this is the last time I eat here wearing this stupid disguise!

As it turns out, Taniguchi and Asakura were now taking a walk and, judging by the path they were taking, I would have to say that, most predictably, they were headed for the park. Is it just me, or is there some kind of conspiracy revolving around the places in town? The train station serves as the SOS Brigade's primary meeting and departure point outside school. WcDonald's serves as the place that greedily devours my precious allowance every time I treat the club there. Nagato's apartment is where we split up whenever walking home, as well as the place I go to whenever I need some serious backup. And the park? Well, the park is probably one of the most important of these, since a lot of crap happened there. Asahina-san's revelation and my arrival point on Tanabata three and a half years ago are just two of the mentionables. Chances are, once they get tired of walking around the snow-covered park, they'll sit down on that magical mystery bench that I so often found myself every now and then.

In a logical sense, it wasn't that bad of a choice either. Nagato's, and consequently Asakura's, apartment wasn't too far from the park, and it would be the perfect place to end a date before walking said date home. I wonder if Kimidori-san lives in that apartment too…

Haruhi slowed down and grabbed my hand. For the most part, I was being dragged around by the collar… I wonder if that crazy fake Frenchie thinks she's the dominant one of our so-called 'couple'… Gah! Bad thoughts! Away with you!

"Make like a partner and stick to me." She said with her usual demanding tone, despite being hushed.

"I beg your pardon?"

Instead of repeating her obnoxious order, she instead wrapped her arm around mine and lay her head on my shoulder as we slowly followed those two down the snow-laden pathway. The river was in fact, not completely frozen tonight, and if you looked closely enough, you could actually see moving water. The overall ambience of the scene dictated a silent and holy night, as the Christians would put it. Considering, of course, that we probably celebrated Christmas for the presents and our own localized traditions, then there wasn't much to say. In the distance, I thought I heard bells jingling in a pristine manner, as if emphasizing the 'silent' in that phrase.

Maybe I was starting to become paranoid or something, but as I looked across the river to avoid Haruhi's heavily leaning head, I could have sworn I saw a familiar shadow… just beyond the halo of the dim, flickering streetlight. It was dressed in North High's winter uniform, sporting a cardigan over the usual sailor uniform. Long dark hair went down to its back, the silhouette of a ribbon clearly visible atop its head. The only distinguishable feature on its face, which was mostly shrouded, concealed behind the illumination of the lamp, was a rather indiscernible smile. Evil intent? Slight amusement? Plain joy? I wouldn't really know. Not that I'd actually get the chance to ask it… or her… because the moment I blinked, this familiar shadow was gone.

"Focus," Haruhi nudged me as she said this quietly but sternly. "I can't listen to everything they say alone."

Those two were still talking about whatever meaningless things came to mind. If I were Taniguchi, I'd be really bored by now. Of course, talking to a pretty girl that you considered to be the top of your pretty girl list while being totally ignorant of her true nature was certainly much more entertaining than being dragged around by a pretty girl who treated you like luggage. Still, both yielded high risks, particularly if Pretty Girl A decided that killing you would bring about a high-level data spike, or if Pretty Girl B got bored of you and the whole universe in general and decided to make a new one from scratch. If I had to choose, though, I'd keep my lot with Pretty Girl B, since at least she has no intention of killing me… though the same might not exactly apply to Pretty Girl B's twin sister, who wants to make all worlds anew from scratch, and for reasons unknown.

Whatever Haruhi was waiting for them to talk about, be it the nature of Asakura's fictional father's 'sensitive project', or the name of the company he worked with, or perhaps if it had anything to do with any kind of existing conspiracy theory, was never discussed. Asakura was probably teasing us by keeping the conversation to the mundane. This was most certainly a move to provoke Haruhi into creating another major data spike or whatever the hell those things are called. Action and reation.

Eventually, that couple, which by now looked so sweet I felt like I was getting cavities just by watching them, stopped and sat down, of all places, at _that_ bench. Not that Haruhi would know the importance of that bench, anyway. Still, with her head on my shoulder like that, I wouldn't know what the expression on her face was when she saw them choose that specific spot to sit down. Knowing Haruhi, she would probably think that any bench would do even if I _did_ tell her what was so important about this one.

Without warning, the Chief of the SOS Brigade yanked me into the bushes. I heard an audible thud in the snow, and it didn't register that it was my body hitting the ground until I realized I was staring up into the black night sky. Usually, it would be clearer on winter nights, but tonight was just… different. It had more darkness in it, if you would.

We stayed crouched in the bushes behind that bench, Haruhi and I, for what seemed like an eternity, listening to even more senseless small talk and chitchat. A quick check on my watch told me it had only been twenty minutes. Right on that particular mark, Taniguchi yawned while stretching his arms, and then casually placed his right arm on the backrest behind the class monitor. He'd probably watched that scene of Hellboy a dozen times to be able to execute it so perfectly… or maybe he'd been practicing it since middle school? I wouldn't care, really. Either way, it played just like any sneaky tactic that worked. Soon enough, his hand was on her shoulder, and she was reclining onto his shoulder in a way that wasn't at all too different from how Haruhi was positioned earlier. Such boldness on a first date! How _do_ you manage that, you loser!?

Ah, but then the fact hit me. Taniguchi couldn't have wooed Asakura into going out with him that easily, realistically speaking. She was just playing along, apparently. The next thing you know, the two will be sharing a passionate kiss and start making out on that cold, frostbitten bench… what the _hell_ am I thinking!? My left cheek began to burn as Haruhi's gloved hand made contact. "What was that for!?"

Now physics says that the cold, for one reason or another that I wouldn't really understand since I totally suck at physics, amplifies sound. That would include the sound of the slap, as well as my yelling in reaction. I heard some commotion from the bench as Taniguchi stood up to look behind the bushes. Oh, shit. They're gonna find us!

The next thing I knew, I was lying face-up in the snow with my sunglasses slightly out of place and Haruhi sitting on top of me. "Follow my lead," she whispered, before doing what I considered unthinkable…

She kissed me.

Interpret this in whatever way you want. Myself, I'm perfectly sure that there was absolutely nothing personal about it. Whenever I look back at this incident, I realize that she was doing it to protect our cover, and that is, by making the perfect excuse. Why else would a couple be hiding behind the bushes on a cold winter night, after all? To make out, right? Still, that doesn't excuse the fact that only a mentally unstable couple would make out in the _snow_, of all places.

Using my peripheral vision to look past the obstruction that was Haruhi's face and wig, and against the tongue that began probing my mouth – isn't that being a little too realistic? – I saw Taniguchi look at us in shock, and then reel in disgust. I heard some frantic movement, with the two familiar voices, then a murmuring of an apology on intruding on our privacy (talk about ironic), before the owners of said voices stood up and left the immediate area, leaving the two of us alone… in a very suggestive position… in the dead white snow.

As Taniguchi and Asakura stepped out of hearing range, Haruhi finally pulled out, gasping for breath. Her face, pale from the cold, was sporting a nice red tone. I wouldn't mind seeing it again anytime soon.

"That was some really quick thinking," I said, sitting up and dusting myself.

"What're you talking about?" she answered, "I wasn't thinking at all…" Haruhi looked down to one side, her lips pursed into that duckbill shape as her eyebrows furrowed. She was deep in thought. About just what, I haven't got a clue. She straightened up when she noticed I was staring, and without saying anything else, resumed her use of the ultimate method of persuasion: dragging me off in her general direction.

Apparently, those two were now at the end of their rope, as they were hurrying through the snow and straight at the high-class apartment that now loomed just over the horizon. Haruhi didn't relent, and put an extra burst in her step. If it weren't for the fact that the snow, as well as my dead weight, were slowing her down, she would've overtaken them by now. We finally stopped just across the street from the building, in time to see Asakura waving her goodbye's to Taniguchi, who had a slump that said his perfect night was ruined. Oh well. I hope he feels better by tomorrow. Chances are, though, he was probably planning to bag her right there. Whatever.

Haruhi sighed in defeat as she went into her own slump… and then she almost immediately recovered. "You did a good job tonight, Kyon," was all she said before grabbing the glasses, mustache, and wig, leaving me alone to stare at Asakura, who was still waving. Is it just me, or is she taking too long to finish that silly movement? Maybe she's just not that familiar with human culture or something.

Giving my stiffening joints a good rub, I prepared to make my own trip home, when a chill ran up my spine. I _hate_ it when that sort of thing happens. I looked to the sides and behind me. Where did Asakura go? She was no longer at the apartment gate… Now usually, in movies depicting this kind of situation, whenever the person in question thinks that he was just imagining things and returns to face the direction that he was originally going, he would be treated with the very nasty surprise of something evil standing in his path.

"Cut to the chase," I told the empty darkness. "You're behind me, right?"

"You are correct, Kyon-kun," was the cheery reply. "Now you understand, of course, that I knew from the very beginning that you and Suzumiya-san were spying on us."

"You kinda gave away that fact when you sent us your parents' regards." I slowly turned around to confirm the fact that she was indeed standing in my path home. What's more, she was holding a _very_ familiar article in her right hand. "And I see you still haven't gotten tired of knives…"

"My research into human behavior has provided me with sufficient evidence that a knife, particularly a military issue combat knife, is a most effective device when it comes to altering one's actions to fit my designs." This was said in that usual polite and friendly tone that is so full of disregard for the case at hand that it was just creepy.

"So what do you want?" My gaze longingly fell onto the now friendly-looking buzzer with Nagato's name on it. Damn those data stealth factors!

"Did you not receive the note? I want you to surrender 'Scribe' to me." She began to toy around with that knife in a rather nerve-wracking way. Clearly, she was itching to stab something, namely me.

"Yeah. But why do you want it?"

She did that cute touching her chin while looking up to think pose, as if she were actually considering something. "While it is a compromise of my security protocols to reveal my reasons for my desire to acquire 'Scribe', I suppose it would be logical to tell you. After all, you will soon die, and this time, I made sure that Nagato-san will not be able to detect my presence. Very well then, I shall tell you. 'Scribe', which I have now confirmed with my program detection abilities to be that Rubik's Cube in your pocket, is a three-dimensional coordinate plane algorithm."

Ah what?

"A map."

You could have just told me that earlier instead of just wasting fourteen syllables' worth of speech. "A map, huh?"

"Yes. It is essential in locating the true target of my new employer, who you might know as Haruhi Suzumiya's 783th Temporal Variant."

So my guess _was_ right. It was the other Haruhi who was behind Asakura's mysterious return. Makes complete sense, since the Integrated Data Entity has been isolated from its interfaces. Hell, the other Haruhi probably locked it out of the Space-Time Continuum just to be sure.

"The program 'Saber', subconsciously created by Haruhi Suzumiya three and a half years ago, is what prevents my new employer from accomplishing her goal. It acts as a defensive system, rendering her incapable of even remotely touching Haruhi Suzumiya's being in order to remove her data manipulation and creation abilities. Unfortunately, 'Saber's' location is concealed by stealth factors beyond any scale I have yet witnessed, and cannot be affected by my new master's data manipulation and creation abilities, preventing her from simply willing it to appear in her presence. Moreover, 'Saber' is constantly relocating to random points of the city at instantaneous rates, making finding it an extremely difficult, if not impossible task, even for one such as myself."

So basically, you need 'Scribe' to track down 'Saber', and find it so that you can remove Haruhi's powers and then do whatever the hell you want with the world and the infinite other ones, am I right?

"Precisely." She stretched out her left hand and opened her palm. "Now, I will not say this again. Surrender 'Scribe' to me, and I will, in return, give you a swift and painless death."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then you are merely delaying the inevitable, as well as removing the factor of free will from the equation. Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant has tasked me to acquire 'Scribe' from you willingly, if possible. She will be truly disappointed if you refuse, but then I will not have had a choice now, will I?"

Free will? Choice? In this situation? Don't make me laugh. You're only giving me a Hobson's Choice, since the outcome is the same no matter which one I pick. If I give this stupid puzzle to you, you kill me. If you kill me, then you get the stupid puzzle. So if I had to choose, I'd rather not play a conscious part in the end of the world and _not_ surrender 'Scribe' to you. Thank you very much.

"Is that your final answer?"

What is this, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? "Yeah, that's my final answer." Are you going to write a check for 250K just in case I've run out of lifelines now?

"Unfortunately," she entered a pouncing stance, "You never had any lifelines to begin with." With that she dashed at me in a way that triggered déjà vu, except that she was currently wearing a royal blue snow coat and Ushanka. What is it with people and Russian fur caps anyway? Resigning myself to death isn't really something I do, but right now, there doesn't seem to be any other option. As I braced for the end, I heard the familiar crackle of a repulsion field, and found Asakura's knife stuck in the thick of it. "How the…"

"Nagato-san had detected Kyon's presence just outside the apartment building several minutes ago," a familiar voice said from behind me. "However, the fact that he never buzzed her, as he usually does, raised our suspicions." Koizumi stepped out of the shadows and stood right next to me, that usual pseudo-smile of his a sight for sore eyes. "She also sensed Taniguchi, and considered the time of day. It would make sense that he was dropping off his date at the apartment, right?"

"Consolidating all factors and variables in the equation, the only conclusion is that Ryoko Asakura has returned from her date, and was being tailed by Kyon as per his agreement with Haruhi Suzumiya earlier today." That barely audible, deadpan voice belonged to none other than Yuki Nagato, my ever-reliable savior. She suddenly appeared in front of me, just behind the still-crackling barrier. "The only viable reason for Kyon to still linger about after Taniguchi's departure from the premises would be that something was stalling him."

"So we decided to take a look, and saw you two talking about… whatever," the esper shrugged, "So we went to work at once."

"I see…" Asakura cheerfully nodded in response. "I now realize how inept my preparations were." Despite saying something that seemed bad for her, the look on her face remained quite… happy.

Maybe that was her permanent expression then. Is there a button somewhere on you that switches you to gloomy mode?

"Regardless, my previous incompetence means nothing." the knife fetishist cocked her head to the left as if contemplating what to do next. "You see, when Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant reconstructed me, she gave me access to multiple libraries that not even the Integrated Data Entity has access to, resulting in dramatically enhanced combat performance. Even though Nagato-san's access to her combat libraries was not tampered with, as my new master regarded it unnecessary, and even if Koizumi-kun could use his powers outside Closed Space, I maintain a 99.9934162705 percent probability of completely annihilating you."

I looked at Nagato, seeking some form of comfort from this disturbing claim.

"Ryoko Asakura is not attempting any form of deception. Her projected figures on the probability of our termination match exactly with my calculations."

You're telling me that you _knew_ that she could obliterate us that easily and yet you _still_ decided to come down here and fight? Wow, Nagato. You've certainly changed from the time I first met you. Now you're fighting for me even though you know we're as good as screwed! It is an honor to die by your side, Great Goddess Nagato!

"While a 0.0065837295 percent probability of winning is a relatively insignificant value, it is still a greater-than-zero value."

"Ah, yes," Koizumi nodded to himself, "Murphy's Law. As long as the probability of something going wrong, in this case, Asakura-san failing in her move to eliminate us, remains above zero, then it _will_ go wrong."

That might be comforting when you're reading it from a distanced perspective, but that's really not doing me any good right now! Sure, odds with over ten place values vs. one have always been beaten by the heroes of anime and manga, but they're _anime_ and _manga_, for godsake! This is the real world we're living in! And even though the real world is crazier than any manga I've ever read, real world statistics still apply! We're as good as dead! This whole frantic monologue of mine concerning life and death, though, was interrupted by a very familiar voice…

"Hey, Kyon, I almost forgot to tell you that you have to return that suit I borrowed from-" My blood ran cold when I realized who the owner of the voice was. "What's going on here?"

Haruhi had decided to come back to pitch one of her famous follow-up lines… what's worse, was that it was at such an inconvenient time. With the sight of Nagato standing in front of Koizumi and me to act as a shield from Asakura, who was just about to jump us with her combat knife, who knows what that girl was going to think?

Asakura was the first to talk. While apparently surprised, she still had the guts to look like everything was under control. "Ah, Suzumiya-san! I was just about to demonstrate my proficiency with knives to your friends over here!" She began to toy with the knife in an almost professional manner, balancing the tip on her fingernail, or flailing it around in controlled, calculated swipes, hell, tossing it around without worry of being hurt. Like someone of her kind could possibly get hurt by a silly knife. If Nagato can survive multiple impalements without even flinching, then Asakura can surely take a knife to the heart, right?

"Where'd you pick up that skill?" Haruhi raised her eyebrow, obviously suspicious. "Canada?"

The knife fetishist scratched the back of her head with her free hand and nodded with a nervous laugh as if an embarrassing secret of hers had been revealed. "That's right. Canada."

"I'm curious…" without so much as a warning of any kind, our Brigade Commander, moved, with the speed she was well known for, and pinned Asakura, who I bet was now playing helpless, to a wall. The knife fell to the snow as her lips met the class monitor's ear. "What _else_ did you learn in Canada?"

"I could show you later, Suzumiya-san," Asakura tried to push Haruhi off, to no avail, as dictated by her damsel in distress setting, "But I don't think now's the right time… it's 10PM, and a school night, no less."

You don't seem to be familiar with Haruhi's logic, do you? If Haruhi says the time is right, then the time is right. For the first time, I actually found myself pitying this crazy murderous girl. Still, Asakura had a point, and like it or not, I was myself beginning to tire out. I placed a hand firmly on Haruhi's shoulder, which stiffened on contact. "We could just ask her to show us some new tricks tomorrow, like at lunch time or something. We all seriously need to get some rest."

I felt Haruhi relax as she lowered her head. "Fine. Tomorrow. Besides, my parents have started texting me."

Ah, I see. My parents would do that too, if it weren't for the fact that my dad was away on a business trip and my mom was probably trying to solve that jigsaw with my little sister. I found a big smile on Haruhi's face as she turned to me. She didn't even wave goodbye to everybody else as she grabbed my wrist and dragged me off. I'd better keep my guard up for now. Since I've already been openly confronted by Asakura, that means she'll be taking a more active role.

And, thanks to the unwitting Haruhi, we now have a clear idea of what 'Scribe' does, not to mention a perfect saved-by-the-bell scenario. I guess bad guys the monologues of bad guys right before a _Deus Ex Machina_ comes to save the hero on the verge of death are a lot more useful than I once thought! All I have to do is solve it, make sure it doesn't fall into Asakura's hands, and find 'Saber' to make sure that it's properly protected.

In the meantime, though, I should just enjoy this new, if short, lease on life, and stare up at the night sky, which, for some reason or another, has become crystal clear.

"No time to loiter about and stare, Kyon!" Haruhi suddenly said, "I have to be home before eleven, and that means I have to drop you off at your place as soon as possible!"

Sure, Boss. Have it your way… I guess stargazing will have to wait, at least until I get out of this ridiculous suit.

TBC…

AN: A little bit of implied Harukyon here… a lot more than I'd like, actually, as I definitively suck at writing romances, and have no intention of turning this into one. I apologize for any OOCness that I never noticed… Concerning the weird symbols on Brezhnev's note, I'll give you ten Bunling Points if you figured out that they were a nod to the time travelers' Mission Code from V7. Everything seems to start making sense now, right? Now all they have to do is actually find 'Saber', and the problems will be solved! Wee! You can tell that I'm being sarcastic, right?

Don't forget to feed me your reviews! The monster is hungry for feedback yet again! But before that…

Brezhnev examined the Rubik's Cube for a few moments before handing it back to me. "You've made good progress, Comrade Ivan. Soon, we can fix this trouble we're having with timelines, and you can go back to your normal, usual, boring, everyday life!" He laughed in that obnoxious stereotypical Russian way.

Honestly, even if this guy really _was_ on our side, I wouldn't like him to. He's more annoying than Koizumi, and is probably the only person I know who calls me a Comrade. On top of that, if he thinks I won't be able to understand something, he calls me by some Russian label that probably insults my intelligence! If you say that I'm a… whatever that is… one more time, I'm going to introduce you to the business end of my dad's Nine Iron!

"Please, be my guest, Comrade Ivan! Though before you do, I would like to give you some excellent news!"

I wonder what the stereotypical Soviet Russian considers to be 'excellent news'.

"I have spoken to the higher-ups, and they have all agreed that it is now safe to pull Comrade Mikuru Asahina out of Lockdown Zone!"


	8. In Soviet Russia, Plot Dumps YOU!

AN: Ah, glorious! It's high time they set up a section for this series of awesome! My apologies for the really long delay. You could say I had fallen out of it thanks to one new series of interest or another. But, this particular move has inspired me to graciously try to get myself back in gear! Note the unusual shortness of this chapter, and you can see just how out of it I was.

Enigma: Hehe… I actually enjoy writing technobabble. It's somehow fun trying to express such things in words.

JWM: Tanigawa-san is the ultimate in creativity. I just try to follow his example.

Micah: Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to live up to that standard.

Mai: Here it is, then.

Newb: She never said 'no'. :P

Rex: Well, with the way things are going, I don't blame you.

Disclaimer: Haruhi Suzumiya and all related characters are the property of the One True God, Tanigawa-san. Leonid Brezhnev belongs to Soviet Russia. Soviet Russia belongs to _YOU!!_ Russian Reversal belongs to Yakov Smirnoff. Haruhi 738 belongs to Timeline 738. Lastly, the Haruhi Suzumiya Section belongs to the people who took the initiative to bug the FFN administration to make one! Nice work, you guys!

**Chapter 6: In Soviet Russia, Plot Dumps **_**YOU!!**_

We now take you to the daily SOS-Brigade meeting, sans the wonderful presence of Asahina-san and the fragrance of her tea. It is now Wednesday, and Haruhi had almost finished ranting on about how suspicious Asakura's knife skills were.

"You don't learn that kind of stuff in seven months!" our Brigade Commander shouted. "It takes a lifetime of training and practice to achieve even something close to that level of skill!"

This was in reaction to lunchtime's demonstration, where the rogue interface did some crazy knife stunts. Just like a thrower at a carnival, she tossed around five of them, at Sakanaka-san, who she had instructed to stand still by the wall. The girl tried her best to do so, but the fact that Asakura was, on top of throwing knives, _blindfolded_, was enough of a reason for a little quivering. The stunt was successful, though, and a rough outline of Sakanaka-san found itself lodged into the classroom wall thanks to your friendly neighborhood knife fetishist. After this, she continued showing off by juggling three, four, then five, and did other crazy knife tricks that would have earned her a visit to the Guidance Councilor.

Oddly enough, no faculty or staff members even passed by, despite all the noise from Class 1-5's mixture of screams, cheers, and other loud vocalizations. I suspected some underhanded data manipulation was at work here. Maybe a lockdown of the classroom or something? So much of this stuff happened unseen by the naked eye. Ironic, considering eighty to ninety percent of all human sensory activity is carried out by sight. That would mean that eighty to ninety percent of the time, humans are unaware of the important things that are happening. That pretty much explains why the human race at large, including Haruhi Suzumiya, had yet to discover aliens, time travelers, and espers.

"It's gotta be her father's 'sensitive project'! He's turned her into some kind of supersoldier! This needs more investigation!"

Okay, let's do a little reality check here… In Haruhi's World, the Student Council is an evil organization bent on suppressing the rights and freedoms of other student organizations and the students themselves, and uniting them under the tyrannical control of one individual, namely, the president. Also, corporations are secretly working on supersoldier projects, using people, _including_ the close relatives of senior managers, as guinea pigs. Lastly, aliens, time travelers, and espers are hiding out there somewhere, just waiting to be discovered.

In the real world, the Student Council seems to have been undergoing some changes what with the new president in power, and from what I've heard so far, he seems to be moving in favor of student independence or something… The corporation that apparently experimented on Asakura, giving her superhuman knife-handling skills, is completely fictional. Her abilities can be explained by the simple fact that she is an artificial human created by what Skynet would probably evolve into given a few million years. Finally, though aliens, time travelers, and espers are indeed hiding, they know better than to hide 'out there somewhere'. Instead they hide right here, under our precocious Brigade Commander's nose, and certainly aren't waiting to be discovered. Hell, they're doing everything to make sure that doesn't happen!

"But her belongings don't show anything at all…" Haruhi pursed her lips, deep in thought.

"Might I suggest hacking into her computer?"

Dammit, Koizumi! What is it with you and giving her weird ideas?

"It was the one thing that Nagato-san and I did not have enough time to check, and perhaps viewing her emails or IM logs would prove to be fruitful."

Haruhi's hand came down on his shoulder in the same way that a general would congratulate one of his colonels for a battle tactic well-executed. "An excellent idea, Koizumi! We might even find more information on the corporation that turned her into this! If I could promote you further, I would, but you're already Vice-Chief!"

"Please, Suzumiya-san," Koizumi bowed like one would before the final fall of the curtain, "Your mere acceptance of my humble suggestion is more than enough to gratify me."

As always, dishing out doses of flattery so toxic that they're lethal to all but Haruhi. I know it's your job to make her happy and all that, which involves excessive ass-kissing on your part, but do you have to make a career out of it? That… was kind of redundant…

"You're a model member, Koizumi!" Haruhi turned to the remaining two people in the SOS Brigade. "You two should follow his example! And for starters, pass my message on to Mikuru-chan when she gets back!"

How do you even know that she's coming back?

"They always come back!" Another conviction-filled yell escaped her mouth, "Besides, she has a lot of explaining to do when she gets here, so she can't not come back! I won't allow it!"

If only you knew how close that statement is to reality. Sadly, if I told you about that, well… lessee here… The first time I told Haruhi about the basic facts of this world as we know it, she promptly shoved it into her internal garbage incinerator. Furthermore, she mocked me, whether she meant it or not doesn't really matter, by turning all that into a craptacular movie, the only redeeming value of which was the lead actress. The second time I told her, she believed me. The problem was, it wasn't _her _her. Sure, she was still same old incessantly upbeat Haruhi Suzumiya, but she didn't go to North High. No, on an alternate December 20th last year, I gave the basic facts of the world to a depowered Haruhi Suzumiya, changed like everybody else on that crazy week… except me. Of course, after Nagato fixed that problem, everything went back to normal, and she didn't remember a thing.

Now the whole point of these citations of past experiences is that, as the three of them had all warned me from the start, if I told Haruhi about aliens, time travelers, and espers, then she wouldn't believe me. At least, not if I didn't pull out my trump card. That's right. The reason why the Haruhi from last year's December 20th believed me was because of one short, succinct three-word sentence: "I'm John Smith".

Of course, considering that I haven't really found out just _why_ the _other_ other Haruhi is acting the way she is, it might be best to hold it off for a later date. Who knows? Maybe the cause of her conquest of everything is because in the first place, the me from her timeline was thinking on the same lines as I am right now, and, out of plain curiosity, decided one morning to just say, "You know what, Haruhi? I'm John Smith." Add a catalyst to a seemingly calm but highly reactive substance, and you get a nasty explosion. "John Smith might not be such a useful ace in the hole after all," I mumbled to myself.

Ah, but these past few trains of thought have completely derailed me from the true point of this portion of the monologue in the first place! Well, that's really what happens when you're thinking one thing, and somebody like say, Haruhi, says something, and you lose track of what you were originally thinking. Now… if this were my private diary, I could just look up a few lines to see what I was originally writing, but alas, this isn't the case. Fortunately for me, I'm not one to totally lose track.

The thought beforehand was an inquiry on how exactly Haruhi knew that Asahina-san was coming back. Now you're probably wondering, why am I so focused on such a silly premise, when it makes sense that she won't be coming back until this whole situation has been resolved. But let's just say that last night, after Haruhi dropped me off at my place, I found a visitor of sorts, waiting for me in the living room, and that that visitor had convinced my mom and sister that he was one of my substitute teachers. Honestly… how could they fall for such a ploy from somebody who dresses like _that_?

And of course, by the previous context clues, it seems pretty obvious now who that 'substitute teacher' was. The mad stereotypical Soviet Russian, Leonid Brezhnev. And yes, it's going to be a flashback sequence.

"So I see that you've found 'Scribe'," he said, apparently having helped himself to our fridge and opened a bottle of Swedish Vodka that my dad brought back from one of his business trips somewhere abroad. The Russian was sitting on the couch with his boots raised onto the living room table, where he had also placed the quickly emptying bottle of distilled liquor, swirling the glass of his drink, which he was having on the rocks. I never thought the sound of ice cubes hitting glass as well as fellow ice cubes could be so annoying. "Well done."

"That clue you left in my locker was a big help." I didn't bother sitting down. Even when he invited me to, along with a glass of the vodka, I just waved it off. "I'm too young to drink, remember?"

"Oh, right." Brezhnev mumbled a few disgruntled Russian curses to himself, probably for forgetting about that little fact. "Well I hope your otěts doesn't mind if I removed temptation of getting drunk with fine vodka from his path." He took that glass he had offered to me earlier and downed it in one gulp.

What, no chaser?

"True Stereotypical Soviet Russian does not take chasers."

Don't you think you're taking this cosplaying of a stereotypical Soviet Russian thing too seriously? He gave me a confused look before cracking up. I think he's actually starting to get drunk… "Uh, you know, my mother and sister might already be sleeping and-"

"Eh, don't worry about them!"

Brezhnev pointed his thumb at the stairs, where, sure enough, my mother and little sister were climbing to the second floor… in extreme bullet time. "Don't tell me… another one of your bubbles?"

"Da." The time traveler poured himself a third shot. Strangely enough, that drunken aura disappeared and he suddenly seemed completely sober. "I believe now is right time to tell you about what exactly 'Scribe' does."

"I already know." I unconsciously began to play with the Rubik's Cube in my pocket. "It's a map that leads to another program called 'Saber', which is our Haruhi's defense mechanism against tampering by other Haruhis. It protects her powers." And yet strangely enough, it was unable to protect them from a 'lesser' being, like say, a Data Interface. Somebody explain that to me… In retrospect, whatever drove me into thinking that finding Saber and keeping it safe from Asakura was a plausible move anyway? That would just make me a walking target for more stabbing attempts, or worse, the victim of godlike powers used in a devilish way.

"Because deep inside, you know that 'Scribe' is far more valuable than just that," Brezhnev rested his chin on his thumb and curled index finger. "Though I wonder… who told you about 'Scribe's' function and 'Saber'? Integrated Data Entity? Agency?"

"Ryoko Asakura."

The expression on his face changed, from smug, annoying Soviet Russian, to something rather unreadable. It wasn't something you could consider neutral, and yet just what emotion it was trying to convey was ambiguous to the point that it could have meant anything. In the end, though, it seemed to choose apathy. "Huh… well that makes sense. Leave it to enemy to give you incomplete information."

There are two ways to look at what he just said. Either one, at face value, or two, a sort of double entente and hidden threat of sorts, made to be ironic, considering that he actually _was_ the enemy. "Incomplete?"

"Da." He poured himself another glass and swirled it around as he continued, "'Saber' does not just act as shield for Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya's Powers. That is merely function when it is running on Passive Mode. When 'Saber' is set to Active Mode, it can be used as weapon. It is not yet completely understood as to just _how_ 'Saber' perpetuates Active Mode, but it supposedly nullifies all other Haruhi Suzumiyas' powers. _That_ is why best option for you is to find 'Saber'. Activate it and finish trouble."

"You're not telling me everything."

"And how do you know that?"

"Asakura didn't tell me everything either." Let's face it. Everybody who's ever told me anything these past few days has always left out important details. Asahina-san (Big) told me that Haruhi was after her, leaving out the part that it was the _other_ one. Brezhnev told me to look for 'Scribe' without telling me what it was. The other Haruhi not only told me that she had reasons that I would 'someday understand' that justify her actions. She also kept me guessing Asakura's allegiances until the latter finally admitted it herself. Asakura didn't tell me about 'Saber's' Active Mode. "So there's got to be something you're not telling me. Quit procrastinating already."

Brezhnev cracked up again and drank his shot. "You've got me, Comrade Ivan! Very well then, I will tell you. 'Saber' can be recalibrated so that Active Mode can select a target to nullify, _including_ Baseline Haruhi Suzumiya. We suspect that to be main reason why they are after it."

Well that makes a lot of sense. Still, that means, of course, that it's now a race to find and activate 'Saber', and the opposing team seems to be very formidable. Ryoko Asakura whose powers now exceed those of a Mary Sue, and… well, the other Haruhi who makes all Mary Sue powers look like mere hocus pocus in comparison. Not to say that the two are Mary Sues, of course, but their capabilities, at least, would be high above such levels. Not even Son Goku, with his ridiculous power level that over the course of the series has gone _**WAY**_ over 9000, stands a chance against them. A little data manipulation on Asakura's part could negate his Kamehameha attack, while the other Haruhi could just as easily whisk him into non-existence before he could even make a move.

Now if Son Goku doesn't stand a chance, what chance do we stand? Right now, I have no idea… though it seems that the best option at the moment would be to indeed, solve 'Scribe' and find 'Saber', to use it before they do.

"Do you mind if I see 'Scribe' for moment?"

You wouldn't be planning to steal it from me, would you?

"Now why would I do that, Comrade Ivan?" The Soviet Russian smirked.

"Ah, it's nothing…" I would pretty much try to calm down at this point, but I really can't. As reached into my pocket for the cube, I pondered the possibilities. If he was indeed working for the enemy, and 'Scribe' was some kind of trap, then he would probably manipulate it in a way so as to activate the trap. If he was on our side, though, well, he wouldn't really do anything. I reluctantly placed the puzzle toy into his open palm.

"_Spasíbo_," I think that was the Russian equivalent of 'thank you'. My heart began to race as his fingers closed around it and my own hand pulled out. It was like barely escaping the jaws of a hungry crocodile… Apparently, though, any sort of devious activity was either unseen by my naked eye, or simply not present. Brezhnev examined the Rubik's Cube for a few moments before handing it back to me. "You've made good progress, Comrade Ivan. Soon, we can fix this trouble we're having with timelines, and you can go back to your normal, usual, boring, everyday life!" He laughed in that obnoxious stereotypical Russian way.

Honestly, even if this guy really _was_ on our side, I wouldn't want him to be. He's more annoying than Koizumi, and is probably the only person I know who calls me a Comrade. On top of that, if he thinks I won't be able to understand something, he addresses me by some Russian profanity that most likely insults my intelligence! If you say that I'm a… whatever that is… one more time, I'm going to introduce you to the business end of my dad's Nine Iron!

"Please, be my guest, Comrade Ivan!" My sarcasm sense is tingling… "Though before you do, I would like to give you some excellent news!"

I wonder what the stereotypical Soviet Russian considers to be 'excellent news'.

"I have spoken to higher-ups, and they have all agreed that it is now safe to pull Comrade Mikuru Asahina out of Lockdown Zone!"

Now that _is_ good news! Of course, it's only good if you aren't pulling my leg again. The prospect of once again being graced with Asahina-san's angelic presence and her blessed tea after four days of being deprived of their holy glory was filling my mind. "You're not kidding, I hope."

"Not at all! By tomorrow afternoon, recovery should be complete, and Comrade Mikuru will be returning to your little kiddie club soon afterward!"

The rest of the visit was spent discussing trivial things that your stereotypical Soviet Russian would talk about… I won't go into the details sine I might either shock you, or bore you. Then, carrying the half-empty bottle of Swedish Vodka with him, Brezhnev walked into the broom closet and slammed the door shut. What is it with time travelers and walking into the silliest of places? Is there some kind of law that prohibits them from making a Chronoshift unless they're in an unconventional space or something? The fact is, of course, that they don't always have to go into tight spots to time travel. As long as nobody sees them, they can time travel as much as they want!

Anyway, that's why here I am right now, sitting and thinking about just how the hell Haruhi managed to somehow get wind of Asahina-san's impending return. Then again, it could also be entirely possible that Asahina-san's return could be her doing, what with subconscious desires and all… she probably missed having somebody walking around in a costume in the club room for her viewing pleasure.

"Alright then! Rest up for today while I plan the best route of entry!" Haruhi announced. "Tomorrow, we sneak into Asakura's apartment and hack her computer!"

With that final announcement, Nagato slammed her book shut, and we began to file out of the clubroom.

Again, I ask, why is this happening to me? Why do I always have to put up with such ridiculous plots while the world is coming close to destruction? The 'date' last night was bad enough, and despite the fact that I knew she did it to keep our cover intact, that kiss still left me with some serious mental scarring… Fortunately, the only people who actually saw us were Taniguchi and Asakura, and we were in disguise. Even though Asakura knew it was us, I doubt she would bother to do something so trivial as spread gossip about Haruhi and me.

I sighed as I found another letter in my shoe locker. Time travelers must know so little about this time plane that they all mistake shoe lockers as mailboxes or something. This one was in a baby pink envelope, while the letter itself was written on a stationery. Out of all the crazy people who leave letters in my locker, only one of them goes through so much trouble…

_Please meet me at the park after school. It's very important.  
-Mikuru Asahina_

So the crazy time traveling Soviet Russian wasn't kidding then? A sick feeling welled up in my gut. If that bastard was pulling my leg and stepped out of the bushes instead of Asahina-san, I'm going to do more than break his nose! I quickly switched to my outdoor shoes and hurried to the park.

Now when it came to meetings at the park, there was only one spot I could think of that everybody agreed on. I stopped to look at that bench for a moment, recalling last night's events with crystal clarity. Nobody was here yet, eh? Typical.

I sat down and closed my eyes. A few moments later, I heard a rustling in the bushes. Moment of truth! I turned so see, and thank heaven for it, Asahina-san (big) in a stylish winter fur coat. Thankfully, she wasn't wearing an Ushanka, like every other crazy person has been this season.

Flashing me a smile that would turn on any self-proclaimed male regardless of personal preference, this beautiful snow fairy sat down right next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. If Haruhi were to see us now, I'd probably wish I had 'Saber' to depower her that I might be left to enjoy this moment of bliss.

"So what are we going to talk about?"

"It's about Brezhnev-taisa," she mumbled. I blinked. Taisa? That crazy Russian is a colonel? Does that mean that you're military?

"Where I come from, the military ranks of this time plane have evolved, and the archaic term 'colonel' has become a position roughly equivalent to a senior officer at a government institution."

Well that's an interesting thing to know… "What about him?"

Asahina-san (big) suddenly turned to me. Now I would usually consider this one of those 'your face is too close' situations, but since it's more of a heavenly being than a wise guy esper, I really don't have any qualms about it. Those big doe eyes stared into my own for a few seconds, as if trying to convey some kind of telepathic message. "Where's 'Scribe'?"

"Well, I…"

"You didn't… give it to him, did you?"

Now why would I do that? Even if the crazy bastard is on our side, I wouldn't trust him with something so important. She faced forward again, breathing a sigh of relief. "What's going on with that nutjob anyway?"

"I've only been briefed about it after I was retrieved by my superiors." Her tone had become a seriously worried one. I suspected that there was definitely something wrong with the guy. Ever since Koizumi brought the suspicious details to our attention, he's been on my 'beware of' list. And now, this was Asahina-san (big) herself, apparently confirming these suspicions. "We aren't one hundred percent sure, but there is a very big possibility that he has turned traitor."

"Traitor, eh?" It figures.

"Yes. Over the last few weeks, he was observed to have been making unauthorized data transmissions to an unknown receiver via the STC Network." I never liked that crazy Russian in the first place, and it looks like he's finally shown us his true colors. "The data itself is Classified Information, even to me, and that means it must be highly sensitive. I don't think he knows that we've been watching him yet, which is good."

"Might I ask… if he turned traitor, then who's he siding with now? The other Haruhi?"

"No." Asahina-san (big) shook her head. Even doing something as simple as that is enough to give me butterflies! "As far as we can tell, Suzumiya-san 738 is only working with Asakura-san. We believe that Brezhnev-taisa is now working with _them_."

"Them?" This was more or less a rhetorical question, since the only other party that could possibly have been involved were _them_. Them, as in the enemy. I don't need to recite their actions against the SOS Brigade again, do I?

"Them."

Okay, since that's been established, I think we should move on before this becomes another one of those scenes from comedies where the whole dialogue consists of one word being spoken repetitively in declarative and interrogative tones by the characters involved. "What should I do then?"

"We can assume that the information Brezhnev-taisa has been giving you is inaccurate. What has he told you so far about 'Saber's' Active Mode?"

I scratched my chin as I racked my brains for the answer. "That it will nullify all the other Haruhis, but can also be changed to target specific Haruhis to nullify, including ours." Asahina-san (big) blinked. "What?"

"That's exactly what it does…" She shook her head again, apparently trying to get her thoughts in order. This was the most confused I had ever seen Asahina-san (big), who usually knew all the answers. "I don't understand…" She managed to get her composure back together and gave me one of her serious stares. I could stare at that face forever, if I had the time. "He seems to be trying to throw us off then. Listen, Kyon-kun," that snow fairy held my shoulders tight. "Whatever you do, don't give 'Scribe' _or_ 'Saber' to him once you get it. I will come back once you find 'Saber', and teach you how to activate it. Once that's done, it should put the Space-Time Continuum back into its original course. We might not be able to get rid of the infinite other timelines, but at least only our Suzumiya-san will be a matter of concern… Just like it used to be."

"So the damage dealt is pretty much permanent?"

"Unfortunately, yes." An awkward silence permeated the atmosphere. Asahina-san (big) and I shifted in the bench, both looking down at the slowly flowing water in the semi-frozen river. It would make a pretty good picture… both the scenery and us, I mean. A few minutes passed, and eventually, I found myself relaxing to a near-sleep state. "Kyon-kun…"

"Yeah?"

"Please be careful."

I tensed as she hugged me tightly for a few moments, before I felt another shuffling. The next thing I knew, her presence was no longer there. Even though I could tell she had left, I still stole a peek, just to make sure. Yep, just like that, Asahina-san (big) was gone, the only trace of her ever being here in the first place a spot where the snow had been shoved aside by her warm… posterior… I violently shook my head. Bad thoughts! Away with you!

And so, this is how my day pretty much came to an end. I spent the next half hour staring blankly at the river with no particular thoughts on my mind. The only thing that did register to me was the almost crawling flow of the water downstream, a little something to calm my spirit and give the false impression that everything was alright, at peace, in order. After all, in the winter's semi-frozen rivers, water was slow and calm… right?

As my phone read Five-thirty, I sighed and rose from that bench. Giving the scenery one last look-over, I thought to myself, 'When this is all over, I'm going to have another nice sit here…' before heading back home. I had no idea that I wasn't going to make it that far before something happened…

TBC…

AN: Ugh… this is my pathetic hello to the imminent school year. This piece, I would consider as a sort of breather of sorts. It's short, and not at all action-heavy, yet still raises a few bits of questions, I hope. Think of it as the calm before the storm. And as I'm rather tired at the moment, I won't be giving out any fancy-shmancy chapter previews, only a vague, possible title for the next chapter: Flawless Cowgirl.


	9. Flawless Cowgirl

AN: So I've been busy with school lately, and yeah, that's an excuse everybody gives once in awhile, but it's true! By the time I finish writing this chapter, I'd say it's probably been at least two months since my last update (writing this note _before_ the chapter, which I know is weird, but hey). As of now, it's 07-02-07 here in my pathetic little country. Dating this just to keep track of my progress… anyhoo… And due to academic constraints, this is gonna be another short one, sadly. Also, it wouldn't hurt if you people would _review_! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Newb: Judging from what Big Mikuru says, that might be a possibility.

KxH: Well, here's that new chapter… after… God knows how many weeks of bogging down from the University.

Mi-chan: Yep, it answers some questions. But don't you wonder about the ones it raises? ;)

Rex: And of course, as usual, you suspect that there's something suspicious going on. I like it that you're always on your toes :D

Alpha: Only teaser I had in mind was too much of a spoiler for this chapter, so no. No teasers. And why are you only commenting on the teasers, anyway?

Disclaimer: Haruhi et al. are the brainchild of Ultra Genius, Tanigawa-san. He is also the Ultra Author of the Haruhi Series, while the Ultra Artist is Ito-san. Kyoto-san (yes, I've read it, and the suffix also applies to companies) is the Ultra Anime Adaptor, while Bandai is the Ultra International Licenser. Any references to any band, lyrics, music videos or whatever, I don't own either. Lastly, Saber's costume is the property of TYPE-MOON, the Ultra Game Publisher.

Chapter 7: Flawless Cowgirl

Have I ever told you about the song entitled 'Catalyst'? No? Well, to be completely honest, nobody told me about it either. Well, at least, not until early last night. As of now, I'm brushing my teeth after breakfast in preparation to face the dreaded challenge that awaits me today. As you may or may not have guessed, that challenge is of course, figuring out how the hell to comprehend 'Scribe', which, after having been solved by yours truly last night, started to act like some sort of broken disco dance floor.

What I mean when I say this, is that after solving it, i.e. grouping all the like-colored squares, which is the point of solving a Rubik's Cube, if you didn't know that, a bright red light began to flash on one particular square on one side of the curious puzzle. After a few seconds, it moved to a different square without warning. As per my observations, the time between location shifts on the part of the red light appears to be rather arbitrary, since just when I thought I figured out a three-to-ten second range, the next shift took place _fifteen minutes_ later.

My current guess is that the red light represents the location of the elusive 'Saber' program, which will allow us to disable the other Haruhi's power, while the cube itself represents the city or something like that. Though I don't recall this crazy town being 3x3, moreover having interchangeable spaces, like that crazy movie, 'Cube'. Have I ever told you about that? Well… now's not the right time to be talking about movies, anyway.

Back to my original rhetorical question about 'Catalyst'. Well… according to my online research, 'Catalyst' was only the initial title, and was changed due to a suggestion by the band's record label that listeners would be able to more easily identify the song when they heard it. Long story. Anyway, you're probably wondering by now what the whole point of this is, right? As I said, nobody told me about the song until early last night, when I was on my way home…

I wasn't in any particular hurry. After all, my mood had improved rather well after knowing that Asahina-san was back. Then again, the first thing Haruhi was going to do to her tomorrow for several days of absence would be to interrogate her… probably in a poorly lit room with a single lamp and chair in good-cop-bad-cop fashion. I suppose that means I'm gonna be playing the good cop then.

As I continued my twilight stroll out of the park, a familiar sensation assaulted my senses. Being a former-junkie of shows concerning espers, the only term I could use to address this weird feeling would be something called 'clairaudience' – that is to say, the auditory version of clairvoyance – paranormal hearing. If I can remember the televised explanation right, it's basically different from normal hearing in the sense that, instead of actually physically hearing the sound, which involves things going into your ear and causing your eardrum to vibrate, it's more on the 'mental inner ear', like say, the 'voice' you hear in your head when you're thinking to yourself. The only difference, of course, is that it's _not_ your own voice, but somebody else's. And how did I know that I wasn't just going insane?

Well, one justification would be the fact that I have never heard that particular melody before. The other would be the fact that all the lights I could see suddenly died out, the low-setting sun was completely enveloped in darkness, and the world in general turned grey. I've seen this combination of dull vision and eerie music before, and only one person I've met so far has the twisted humor to try it on me a second time… the other Haruhi.

Like last time, I followed the music. That was rather hard, though, considering that it was just in my head instead of actually being perceived by my ears, as I now lacked the ability to tell which direction from which it was coming. It was dominated by an electric guitar, with the faint of drums in the background, with riffs and bass, and a singing voice, all into something that seemed more melodious than simple heavy metal. Yes, upon further inspection, that was Haruhi's voice alright. Though I had to admit. I couldn't make out what she was singing, partially because the lyrics seemed garbled, and partially because they were in English.

Since I couldn't tell where the music was coming from, I ended up running around in circles, until the fact hit me. The volume had been increasing and decreasing for the past minute… and, logically speaking, if I can't tell where the music is coming from, I can at least tell how close the source is. With this method, I followed the trail that seemed to increase the volume most, until finally, after pushing the bushes aside, I found one of the most surreal scenes I've ever set my eyes upon.

Standing on a makeshift stage was Haruhi in the North High Winter Uniform, holding a microphone and singing. On one side was Haruhi in her black bunny girl costume on lead guitar. On the other side was Haruhi in some sort of white and black… rock star dress or something… playing secondary guitar, while behind them was Haruhi in a cheongsam on bass. Lastly, at the very rear was Haruhi in what appeared to be Nagato's black witch costume and hat, doing the drums. All the while, these long-haired versions of the chief were playing in front of an audience that could only be described as… a crowd of meatballs with tentacles.

It should be noted that even at this distance, the lyrics were still garbled, almost as if she was intentionally hiding them from me. I couldn't even read her lips. And then, just like that, they became crystal clear, like Yaweh had stomped hard on the brakes at the Tower of Babel and shifted to full reverse.

"_Catalyst, __y__ou insist to pull me down!__ You contradict the fact that you still want me around!_" Vocals Haruhi seemed to be putting all her emotion into that particular line, as Lead Guitar Haruhi and Backup Guitar Haruhi softened the playing to mere strums, the melody softening for a brief moment, before intensifying again. "_And it's all downhill__ from here! And it's all downhill from here…_" Vocals Haruhi trailed off as the rhythm went into its final dying throe like a star on the verge of going supernova. The audience of tentacled meatballs went wild at the end of the performance, and I was half-expecting Vocals Haruhi to announce that they were doing an encore. To be honest, she looked like she was really into this.

For the next fifteen seconds or so, however, she just stood there, hands on the mic, with her eyes closed and her head bowed as though she were relishing the praise in a moment of solemn divine isolation. When she _did_ open her eyes and raise her head, it was sudden to the point of startling me, actually. As she did, the whole scene went silent as the meatball fanboys, stage, and all the other Haruhi's abruptly vanished. Her gaze was piercing as always, sparkling with the determination of a thousand galaxies that seemed to have been compressed into them. The expression on the rest of her face was unfathomable, though if I had to describe it, I would say a mix between ironclad resolve and some other element, which was probably what made it so hard to read. What was most peculiar (and chilling) about this, was that her sight was aimed right at me.

"Ever heard of the song entitled 'Catalyst'?" She asked in a dull tone reminiscent of those first few times I talked to our Haruhi, not at all the playful one she had used in our last encounter.

"No, but if I had to guess, that would be what your one-girl band was playing just now, right?" I answered with my own sense of cool detachment. Though if you ask me, it sounded more like I was bored and unimpressed… "What about it?"

"I always thought it bore striking parallelisms to what's happening between us…"

What exactly do you mean by that? The perceived implications of what she said brought me back to that bad experience I had the night before, particularly the phrase 'between us'. With that certain event as a basis, I found it rather odd that she would consider herself the same person as our Haruhi. The explanations for this were simple: either she was the demon that possessed Haruhi to kiss me, based on the latter's response that 'she wasn't thinking at all' and the fact that I caught a glimpse of her close by, or that she was simply talking about something else. Besides, why would this Haruhi, or _any_ Haruhi, for the matter, kiss me other than to protect our cover? Gah… forget it. I'm too confused to think any more…

"All of this." Vocals Haruhi (who had dumped her mic, by the way) spread her arms wide and spun once to emphasize what she had just said. "I mean, come on, John. Isn't it obvious? You're the catalyst."

Ah, so it was in reference to this 'Vida Loca' - just to keep with the trend of speaking in musical terms – that she was talking about. "I get the insisting on pulling you down part, but why do _I_ have to be the catalyst?"

"John…" she flicked her hair, and the next thing I knew, she was right in front of me, her nose mere inches from mine. "You still don't get it? After all we – you – have been through? You're not just the catalyst, you're _the_ catalyst! The reason behind all this!" A snap of her fingers, and we were in class 1-5's homeroom, on _that_ day. "Don't you remember?" Apparently, either we were protected by some kind of data stealth shielding since nobody noticed us, or she was simply showing me a flashback. With the quality of the whole scene, though, it was impossible to tell which one it was. Vocals Haruhi pointed at the two people seated in the middle of the bunch of desks. They were easily recognizable.

_"__D__o you change your hairstyle__ everyday as some sort__ of alien countermeasure?"_ I cringed as I heard those words leave my… his… whatever… mouth. In retrospect, it sounded… absurd, somehow. If I had a chance to say something different, anything at all, I would've written a script for myself and memorized it to the last character. But then, I can imagine that Asahina-san (big) would scold me harshly, reminding me that this was also pre-determined.

_"When did you notice?"_ Haruhi, with her hair in a pair of blue buns, irately put her chin in her palm.

"That's when it all started." With a wave of her finger, Vocals Haruhi put the entire scene on pause, like a film critic who wanted to point out some kind of flaw or in-depth literary significance in what was frozen in time before us. "Even Tanabata was a result of this, establishing a pre-determined time-loop. But then again, who's to know what happened _before_ the loop was established? After all…" She pressed her right thumb into the nothingness in her hand, almost as if she were holding some sort of invisible remote control. With that, the scene fast forwarded, and when she hit a different empty space with her thumb (probably the play button), continued at a normal pace.

It was near the end of our little 'staring contest', which of course, I had lost so pathetically. _"Have I met you before? A long time ago…?"_

"What you might initially believe to be the beginning is actually already part of the established loop." She sounded so much like a theoretical physics professor lecturing me on the current topic. Then again, with her brains, I wouldn't be surprised if Tokyo U offered her a job as one after graduating… which she would of course, turn down for the sake of managing the SOS Brigade, should it still be around by that time.

"So your point is…?"

Another flick of her hair, and we were back in the grey park. I couldn't readily say it was Closed Space other than by appearance, since Koizumi had pointed out that it was possibly an entirely different dimension created to merely appear like it. The lack of _Shinjin_ yet again was evidence of this theory. "My point is, although I was the initial subject of observation by the aliens, time travelers and espers, things just _exploded_ when you came along!" A knowing smirk formed on her face. "In fact, I've heard that the Integrated Data Entity and Agency have also started monitoring you in this timeline."

What about the time travelers?

"Oh, they've been doing that ever since. I mean, they _do_ know what's going to happen, right?" Vocals Haruhi paused, then added, possibly as an afterthought, "Usually, anyway. Considering that I'm from an alternate timeline, and hence, am not a natural part of their little scripted play, which they so casually refer to as history, you can say that they're more or less pretty addled at my appearance and function as a wild card." She thought for a moment, before continuing. "Of course, we've already gone way off-topic. The whole point of this discussion is how the song 'Catalyst' holds parallelisms to what's happening between us right now."

Can you rephrase the statement so as to not contain the phrase 'between us'? It's… highly disturbing.

"Really now, John?" She cocked her head to the left in a questioning gesture. "You looked rather undisturbed last night, if you ask me."

"Whatever! Just get to your point already!" That was probably the first time I raised my voice at Haruhi. Any Haruhi, rather. Correct me if I'm mistaken, because my memory seems to be failing me right now.

"Of course." Vocals Haruhi shrugged. "You, as the catalyst of all this, insist to pull me down, despite the fact that you _like_ what's going on."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You _like_ this crazy life you're living in, John. You proved it yourself when you activated Yuki's Emergency Failsafe program."

Yes, I had to admit to that fact. As Ricky Martin's song had spelled out rather eloquently, I enjoy _livi__ la __vida__loca_. "So…?"

"If this continues, John…" Vocals Haruhi bowed her head and closed her eyes, just like what she had done at the end of the song a few minutes back. "Things are gonna go from bad to worse. Following on the lyrics, _it's all downhill from here_." A moment of silence, and she looked at me once again, holding out her hand just like Asakura did the night before. "So spare yourself the trouble. Give me 'Scribe', and I'll make sure to leave you all alone when I finish my task."

"What makes you think I'll take your word for it?" My eyebrow shot up. Haruhi wasn't beyond using trickery to get what she wanted, after all. "I mean, you never even told me what you're doing all this for in the first place."

Vocals Haruhi sighed. "So that's what you want? A justification for my actions? Aren't the usual ones enough?"

"This is _way_ beyond just having fun with aliens, time travelers, and espers, or being an ultra detective, or making a movie, or playing in a band. This is the fates of an infinite number of universes we're talking about here." I didn't mean to sound so sappily cliché, but the fact that this scene reminded me of something I once read in a book or manga… can't remember which one it was, or if it was the exact scene. Or maybe it's generally what one reads in any book or manga. The hero (yes, I've started considering myself the 'hero') confronting the villain who doesn't seem to have any sensible motive and thus, demanding to know what it is. The answers vary from revenge, to angst-filled pasts, to deviant ideals, to 'it's just plain fun to do it', but whatever the answer is, it's always predictable… to a certain degree.

"You're right, of course." Vocals Haruhi shrugged and flicked her hair.

The next thing I knew, we were standing in the center of the stadium's diamond, with the seats packed to the brim. It was a game night, no doubt about that, as I saw two teams slugging it out for the championship. If I had to guess, this was the event from… almost four years ago. The one that caused a data spike, time quake, and esper awakening. I scanned the crowd – they really did look like squirming grains of rice from this perspective – maybe half-expecting to find a little 12-year-old Haruhi sitting somewhere there, in just as much awe as I was.

"As you can probably guess," her voice snapped me out of my daze, "This is what I told you about last May, when we were looking for Asakura." She smiled in a nostalgic manner, "Remember that?"

Are you trying to butter me up with flashbacks and a sickening amount of nostalgia?

"Of course not, _baka_" She shouted, like an angry god calling down thunder and lighting to punish unfaithful subjects. Her voice echoed throughout the stadium, and the crowds, commentator, and players all just… stopped. Vocals Haruhi looked at me in a way I couldn't really put my finger on. She seemed… offended… somehow.

Was it because I didn't seem to be taking this as seriously as she was? Her eyes were narrowed and a snarl was plastered onto her face. This was more than just annoyed. This was… hurt?

"You wanted my motive, so I'm giving it to you!"

She waved her finger, banishing all of the other people in the stadium, with the exception of a speck in the distance. I couldn't really make out who it was, though I had a fair guess. My suspicions were confirmed a moment later, when we somehow just… found ourselves right next to said remaining person. This was Haruhi from almost four years ago, with a look of awe that, when viewed frozen in pause mode, really made itself pronounced. Her eyes were wider than I had seen before, her mouth just slightly agape at the crowd that was no longer there.

Vocals Haruhi walked up behind her younger self and put her hands on the kid's shoulders, the way I would imagine an older sister to when she got home and found her watching TV or something. "In a few hours, I came to realize that the world was so full of people that not one of us was unique at all. The aliens would call this a data spike, the time travelers a time quake, the espers their awakening. Me, I call it… truth." She closed her eyes for a moment and snorted. "I know it's a very… unoriginal… way to call it. But I wasn't really that much of a radical person back in those days. Hell, you can say my change was pretty much radical in itself. Since then, everything has been looking grey for me… until you showed up."

While I was expecting to be teleported back to that first day, I wasn't taken too much aback by instead winding up on Tanabata… again. To be more precise, East Junior High, right after the whole chalk-drawing incident. There I saw a slightly older Haruhi from the one back at the stadium, if only by a couple of months, interrogating me about my beliefs. I still remember what a pain that was.

_"Hey, do you think there are aliens?"_

_"I guess there are."_

_"Then what about time travelers?"_

_"Hmm, it's not surprising if they exist__."_

_"Then what about __espers__?"_

_"They're everywhere, I gue__s__s…"_

_"And sliders?"_

_"I haven't met any yet."_

So was this it, then? The breaking point in the timeline that the mad Russian was talking about? The one that Asahina-san (big) said was irreparable? How interesting it was to see that something so significant on the unseen level could end up as something looking so mundane as a simple exchange of words. Chronologically speaking, I suppose this was indeed the first time I showed up in front of Haruhi. But even from a chronological standpoint, at least for me, the first time I met her was on that day.

"Technically, yes." Vocals Haruhi brought us back to the park. "And technically, you weren't 'Kyon'."

"Then why do you still refer to me as John?"

"For one, it makes more sense to call somebody by the way you first met him, right?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "Besides, John is a much better-sounding nickname than Kyon. You admit it yourself, right? You _loathe_ that name."

"Yeah…" Another one of her insignificant hand movements brought us to the school… in Closed Space. Only when I saw Haruhi waking me up did I realize that this was yet another flashback. Vocals Haruhi allowed the movement to go on, narrating as we somehow 'scene shifted' to wherever our doubles were automatically. "Last May, I had a dream. And you were in it. It was probably the most vivid one I've ever had, but the one fact that was bugging me, of course, was the question of as to just _why_ you were in it in the first place."

I don't know how she knew what was going on, and I attributed that fact to her power, but instead of following her own 'having a look around' school, we instead stayed in the clubroom and watched as Koizumi delivered his final message before losing contact with me for good.

"I pondered this as I looked around. I really wanted to know why. And when I got back…"

The door burst open and in came Haruhi, shouting excitedly about the _Shinjin_ that had just appeared. Honestly, that girl is so easy to excite. I didn't do that even when I _did_ see them for the first time. Without walking, we simply followed the two of us running from the complex and out onto the track field. I knew what was coming next.

"I'm still clueless up to this point, really." Amidst the closing footsteps of the blue giants, we seemed completely insignificant. I cringed as I saw the inevitable.

_"Actually, ponytails turn me on."_

_"What?"_

_"That ponytail you had way back when… It looked so good, it was almost criminal."_

_"Are you retarded or something?"_

"But when you kissed me, that… that was when I realized."

Curse your perfect timing, Haruhi! I got the impression that she had, for some reason or another, practiced timing it right, for the last sentence to flow perfectly with the moment of contact, thus emphasizing her point to the point that it was like a flashback in a drama that she was narrating. Then again, how do I know that she wasn't doing this impromptu? She doesn't need to practice at all to get things right the first time. That's Haruhi, after all.

"I wasn't dreaming at all."

Ah. So that was the turning point in her timeline. I wonder what I mistakenly did back there to make her realize that it was real. Then when I find out, I'll make sure to never to do it in this one. Provided, of course, that I don't die or anything…

"The color came back into my world right then and there, even as Closed Space collapsed and I woke up at 3AM after having fallen off my bed. It wasn't a dream at all. I was still in my uniform. That only proved its authenticity."

That would mean, of course, that she had subconsciously given herself proof, thus establishing her belief in the reality of the incident, not to mention probably strengthening her wanting to know what the hell it was all about.

"That's right. And when I wanted to know, I knew, from that moment on. Everything was crystal clear to me since then… everything except you. You were always a mystery. Even now." Vocals Haruhi snapped her fingers and a montage of the SOS Brigade's members and activities seemingly flew by, like the walls, ceiling, and floor, of some hallway we had just entered. "Aliens, time travelers, and espers. Of course, I knew that they would be alarmed if they found out about me knowing. So I simply kept them from knowing. I sent fake data transmissions of 'normalcy' to the Integrated Data Entity, shrouded my future actions from the time travelers, and created a fake psychic connection to the Agency. Everything continued normally for the next few weeks. I was happy that my world was so full of exciting beings just like you had said before."

It all seemed so sensible to me now. This Haruhi had just methodically concealed her awakening from everybody who was concerned, in a way that astounds even me. It was so alien, and yet so natural, at the same time for her to do so. As Koizumi had said before, Haruhi thinks of everything.

"But the point of all this, my motive, still hasn't been told."

She waved her fingers, taking us to what appeared to be some kind of… circuit board… is the only way I can explain it. The only difference from a normal circuit board was that the circuits were a lot more twisted, and always branched out at several points. Multiple branches spread out to create branches of their own, while others eventually merged back together, or with at one other branch. What I made note of, however, was that those that branched out from the main circuits _never_ merged with branches of other main circuits. Where _are _we?

"This is my visualization of the Space-Time Continuum," she explained simply. "The actual Space-Time Continuum has no perceivable physical form, but this is basically what it looks like, if you give imagery to the abstract. Infinite timelines, with infinite possibilities. There are worlds where the Cold War never happened," we momentarily found ourselves in a Capitalist Russia, apparently on very good terms with the United States. "Worlds where the Roman Empire had never fallen," we next saw what appeared to be the International Space Station, albeit most of the European flags were absent, replaced with a single Roman banner. "Worlds where languages evolved differently," then there was a classroom where a teacher was writing slightly familiar characters, with differences here and there, and in a grammatical style completely alien to me. "And of course, our world."

We ended up in the clubroom. Always the clubroom was the center of things, it seemed. If not Haruhi or the SOS Brigade, the third choice was always going to be that place of damnation.

"When I found out how exciting my world was, I only grew more curious. I wanted to know what the other worlds were like. And the best part was, I didn't need a slider to tell me about them." Vocals Haruhi flicked her hair and sent us back to the circuit board that was the Space-Time Continuum. "But then I saw the horrible fact. My world wasn't unique at all. There were… an _infinite_ number of them, all with aliens, time travelers, espers, me, and _you_." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "It was like the baseball game all over again, only far worse. Not just 50000 people, but an _infinity_ of worlds, each with seven billion of them, all alike in almost every way, except minor differences here and there caused by different decisions."

Okay, I see where you're going…

She 'zoomed in' on a particular circuit, which had branched out in a way far more differently than all the others I could see. I couldn't count how many, since apparently, only Soviet Russians from the future can count infinite things, but I had the simple impression that there was a _lo__t_ of branches. If I had to guess, I would probably say that this was our timeline.

"Originally, this timeline was unique," she pointed 'backwards'. All I could see before the schism was a long single circuit that extended… really far back. "But _something_ happened that changed all that. When I saw the point of fragmentation to be Tanabata, I quickly investigated, and found out why. Once again, in the middle of this whole mess… was _you_."

Oh boy… Truth be told, that's the fourth time somebody saw me do anything, and say that I'm either a conundrum, a mystery, or something that is generally not understood. I'm a generally normal high school student. How can I be _that_ mysterious?

"Even I don't know that yet, John." Vocals Haruhi brought us back to the park, still grey, just so you know. "But that's really irrelevant, considering my objective. I want to fix our timeline. Reunite them into what they used to be. And my only obstacle is myself… all of them." She led me, not by hand, but… well, somehow, I just felt compelled to follow… to that bench, where we sat down. "Many of the other me's also discovered their… gifts… and decided to use them to their own selfish ends. Of course, they wouldn't concede with me even if I told them I knew what was better. So I did what I had to do – nullify them. The catch, of course, is that I have to unite all the timelines in one go, otherwise there will be _serious_ repercussions."

"And how do you know that?"

"The same way the espers knew about their powers and about me being the source. It just comes." She sighed and lowered her head. "It didn't matter to me anymore when I found out I wasn't the 'original' me. She's about as ignorant as the other me's anyway, can't possibly solve this problem. So when it comes down to the unison, it's going to be _my_ world that absorbs the rest. _My _timeline, will become the original timeline. Then we won't have anymore problems, John."

She slowly put her hand over mine. Possibly care of her powers, I couldn't move, but I nevertheless felt every single nerve in my body, and the warmth of her hand. This is beginning to get most disturbing…

And just as quickly, she pulled it away, stood up from the bench, and backed off. Once again, she held out her hand. "Now give 'Scribe' to me, John. Please."

Please? That's not something I hear from you everyday… hell… when _have_ I heard Haruhi say the magic word? It was then that I realized just how different this Haruhi had developed from ours. Sure, ours had become more open, actively participating in sports competitions and other whatnot, as well as talking to our other schoolmates, but this… This one is practically a different person! Not to mention her disturbing declaration of her world absorbing the rest… "You're kidding, right? That's just ridiculous!"

Vocals Haruhi sighed again before lowering her hand. "I thought you might not be swayed by my side of the story. You're just like always." She held her hands out in front of her, clenching them as if holding some kind of handle. "So if you won't give it willingly, then I guess, as usual, I'll have to take it!"

There was a blinding flash, and the next thing I saw was Vocals Haruhi in what appeared to be white and blue medieval armor, tailored for a woman's use, judging from the armored skirt… Her hair hadn't really been changed at all, though. Now… where have I seen this costume before? My guess would be some anime that had been aired sometime back then. I'm not entirely sure. The point, however, is that the prospect of Haruhi, rather, the other Haruhi, in medieval female knight's armor and wielding a golden two-handed sword with the intention of killing me for a stupid Rubik's Cube, wasn't exactly something to be happy about.

"You know… girls with swords don't really turn me on…"

"It doesn't matter what turns you on, John. This is your _final _warning. Give 'Scribe' to me, or I won't hesitate to kill you." Saber Haruhi raised her weapon, sword pointing at me accusingly. Her eyes narrowed. "And I mean it."

"You've got to be kidding me…" But what exactly have I learned from these past eight months? Oh, that's right. When Haruhi says something, she doesn't kid. She didn't even have to say that she was kidding. I was in for a world of trouble. Regardless, as I said to Asakura earlier, I would rather I didn't consciously take part in the now-confirmed end of the world… or at least, this one… as we know it.

Saber Haruhi cocked her head to the right in a partial shrug. Such indifference! "Your funeral," she said, before kicking off from the spot where she stood and lunging at me. If I somehow survive this, I'm definitely going to start thinking about what to do with my life.

I didn't try to dodge. She would hit me even if I did. Or at least I would believe that. But anyway, as I closed my eyes, perhaps waiting for some divine intervention, or perhaps having accepted the end, I heard a loud, metallic clang. Funny. There wasn't anything standing between us. I stole a peek and was completely surprised at who I saw…

"Kimidori-san?"

To be continued…

AN: I'm not really sure why I gave it the title 'Flawless Cowgirl'. Possibly the fault of Halo, no doubt. I mean, really. How is it even relevant to the point of the story? To be honest, there's a vague impression somewhere in the back of my mind, and it's telling me that the chapter title is in fact relevant to the story of the chapter. Problem is, I have no idea what it is. So anyway… we _finally_ get the whole point of just what the hell Haruhi 738 is up to. But of course, we still have no idea why she's labeled 738. That's a given, I guess. Anyway… this was supposed to be longer, again, but I cut it simply because it might get too long… or something. But yes, another relatively short chapter. With a Barbossa-style cameo by our favorite Student Council Secretary.

"So what, now you two have joined forces or something?" I looked at the pair of interfaces as they returned my gaze with their blank stares.

"Emiri Kimidori is from a different school than myself," Nagato was the first to speak. "However, due to circumstances beyond our control, that is, the severance of our contact with the Integrated Data Entity, we have been forced to calculate and execute operational procedures independently of higher supervision, virtually eliminating any prior coordination we possessed."

"Which means…" I had little to no idea of what she was talking about. Though if I had to guess, that probably means they're like an army without any communications gear. On the practical side, one interface could just as easily carpet bomb another by accident, because they can't talk to each other… scary though, considering interfaces have magnitudes more firepower than a B-52.

"We cannot properly perform our designated tasks."

Ah…

"Our first priority is to restore our connection with the Integrated Data Entity," Kimidori-san explained, as if I didn't see that coming. "Once this is achieved, we will be able to resume standard operations. However, in order to accomplish this, we must first eliminate the cause of the severance." She looked at the blinking Rubik's Cube in my hand. Honestly, stop looking at it like a Knight of the Round Table would at the Holy Grail! "And that end necessitates the location and activation of 'Saber'."

Time to go hunting, then…


	10. God's Little Dice Problem

AN: So after getting the crap blown out of my motherboard for about... a week... (7-17-07 right now) I finally have my ground... again. Also, as a point, the song's name after being changed is All Downhill From Here, if you don't know it. Just saying... I basically wrote the last chapter around said song, albeit the only mention of lyrics would be that single bit of chorus. And as it's got characters singing it, it's technically not a songfic... right? (7-28-07) And... Cheesus! TWELVE REVIEWS! Must've been my lucky day or something...

Idrn: Trust me, buddy... I got the other novels on word count, and this isn't even long as Melancholy. XD As for the whole 'they're watching you too', just sort of a bridging, since Nagato and Koizumi say pretty much the same thing in V7. Considering Kyon in her timeline never made it that far, it's understandable that they wouldn't (and since the IDE exists outside the Space-Time Continuum, it would logically only watch over the original one).

weridness: Yep... cliffhanger. And this finishes it.

Tremalkinger: To be completely honest, I only based my plot off an VERY rough outline. 'Double Date' was the only text on my outline that I had covering that particular portion of the chapter, and I simply let the events flow on instinct. So yeah, who knows? I might actually write something up.

KxH: Eh, I only have 15 units this semester. My days are cut in half by god-awfully-gigantic vacant periods. That's the main reason.

Aphotic Bandit: I'm horrified by OOCness not used in humorous context. That's basically what drives me to keep them IC as possible.

Gex: Well, I just get these ideas either from active brainstorming, or simply out of the blue, making them up as I go along. But yeah. Thanks for the comments. I have to keep up the work to ensure a proper maintenance of quality. As for the romance, I stated earlier that I definitively suck at that (and hate it), but I'll see what I can do...

Florin: Funny thing is... I never actually noticed that particular development until you pointed it out. I'll keep my eye on that for sure.

Newb: It's not that she can stand up to her at full power, it's all a matter of... eh, you'll see. Also, you would notice that every chance she gets she'll try and convince him to give it willingly. Curious, isn't it?

Alpha: You're mixing two things up. The confusion will clear itself later...

Mi-chan: Somehow, I tend to view anything below 5K as short... but that's probably just me. So yeah, this is a direct follow-up to that cliffhanger.

Rex: Well, that's a first XD. But as a point, as you will soon see, Yuki isn't _totally_ out by default.

Arnoldstrife: That might be it... Either way, though, I'll probably just leave it as is.

Disclaimer: Tanigawa-san is the blessing who thought up of this universe of awesome. Season Two, which is due to come out... whenever... is another shred of evidence that it is all so totally wondrous. All hail him!

Chapter 8: God's Little Dice Problem

She was dressed in the North High Winter Uniform, of which I really wouldn't be surprised, to say the least. Kimidori-san had appeared in front of me right out of nowhere, and just in time to block Saber Haruhi's incoming attack. That move would have been the end of everything, that was for certain. Fortunately for me, I seemed to have the greatest of luck whenever getting the attention of Interfaces was the case at hand.

The senior had blocked Saber Haruhi's first stroke with a Zweihander that looked right out of a Final Fantasy game. For the sake of simplicity, a Zweihander would be that abnormally large sword that you would usually see Cloud holding behind him. But I'm sure I'm only lecturing a few people who have no idea what I'm talking about. She was holding it with such little, or perhaps, a complete absence of, any effort at all, to the point that I probably would have thought it was feather-light, if I wasn't familiar with the fact that Interfaces are blessed with an array of godlike powers, with strength being the least of their concerns.

Nevertheless, as could only be expected of Haruhi's natural strength, Kimidori-san was pushed back a few feet as the former took advantage of her momentum and forced her golden blade deeper. Haruhi was never really somebody to yield at any point in a battle. "Huh... never expected _you_, of all people."

Kimidori-san said nothing and countered, pushing at Saber Haruhi and causing her to back flip as a temporary reprieve.

Turning her head halfway just to meet my sight, she said, "This won't take long." before taking the initiative and lunging at Saber Haruhi, who easily parried the attack with her golden two-handed sword. I swear I've seen that weapon somewhere before.

"Nice choice of arms..." Saber Haruhi smirked. "If you want to show off!" She quickly swung the blade upward, knocking Kimidori-san's Zweihander over her head, allowing her opponent to deliver a quick elbow into her stomach. Though I half-expected something of the sort, I was nevertheless surprised when the hit blew the Interface back into a tree, almost like what would happen in a cheesy Hong Kong martial arts movie, or, if you want to stick to Japanese culture, Dragon Ball.

Saber Haruhi took this chance to kick off in that direction to finish the job. "Unfortunately for you, Excalibur isn't just for show!"

Ah, right... Excalibur, King Arthur's legendary sword. That would mean that this familiar costume that Haruhi was wearing belonged to none other than the heroine of that anime, which in turn was sourced from that eponymous visual novel, from awhile back. A truly interesting concept, gender bending King Arthur for the sake of pure shock value. Never would have seen that coming in a million years.

Kimidori-san raised her sword and blocked just in time, while Saber Haruhi repeatedly bashed downward as if trying to break through it. And might I ask, how do you propose to do that?

"It's simple enough... Excalibur can cut through _anything_!" The next thing I heard was the clattering of metal onto the snow (don't ask me how that happened, this is her dimension, not mine) as Saber Haruhi broke through Kimidori-san's Zweihander and almost impaled her, had the latter not rolled off to the side. This instance would be a fine example that not even the laws of physics can disobey what Haruhi says. Kimidori-san's sword was doing just fine until she mentioned that bit about cutting through anything. Excalibur's blade found itself wedged, ironically enough, into a rock that lay underneath. Just to point out, Excalibur wasn't the sword in the stone. It was simply a sword in a stone with no particular name - the anime labels it Caliburn, which is also wrong, since that is an alternative name for Excalibur (how do I even know that?) - while King Arthur received Excalibur from some lady who lived in a lake. But not too many people care about that, really.

Kimidori-san took advantage of that moment of bewilderment to kick hard into Saber Haruhi's back, sending the latter down to hit the stone her sword was stuck in. This did really little to help at all, as she recovered almost immediately, jumping back to her feet less than a second after having her face collide with the rock at the base of the tree, without so much as a scratch. She didn't have to be the King of England to pull Excalibur back out either.

By this time, Kimidori-san had abandoned the Zweihander idea and instead data manipulated the thing into a pair of ornate scimitars, which she spun professionally on one hand each, before going into a battle stance that had her left in front guard with her right above her head and pointed forward as attack.

I know I should be running or maybe helping out the senior and all that (not that I could...), but to see an epic battle live between two of your schoolmates (or at least a copy of one) isn't something you see everyday. Come to think of it, wasn't Kimidori-san supposed to be throwing me around like luggage to make sure none of Saber Haruhi's attacks hit me? And... why isn't Saber Haruhi even attacking me in the first place?

"I'm the kind to make sure that any obstacles are completely wiped out before going for my objective."

"That would be me, right?" And if that's the case, then why are you playing swords with her instead of simply erasing her from existence anyway?

"Where's the challenge in that?" Saber Haruhi lunged at her target yet again, Kimidori-san parrying it with relative ease via the scimitar in her left hand, while at the same time retaliating with the one in her right. It's rather hard to completely detail this particular portion of the fight, but if I could sum it up in a few words, the two had begun dueling in earnest. Each one was unleashing a flurry of strokes alongside blocking or dodging any that were headed in their direction. I'll try to skimp on being flowery, but to me, it pretty much looked like they were performing some kind of deadly exotic dance, with me as the lone audience member.

For a few seconds, Saber Haruhi would seem to have the upper hand, utilizing her distinctive, I would say barbaric, style, characterized by wide, powerful strokes, a gusto-filled grunt or cry every now and then, and what appeared to be some kind of glee, probably from the excitement of the fighting. She would then make a mistake, allowing the advantage to slip into Kimidori-san's hands, her style contrasting with tight, controlled, calculated maneuvers and small movements of distraction, all the while maintaining complete vocal silence. Comparatively, I would call it elegant... almost like a ballerina, if you would.

This was quickly devolving into a stalemate, what with this Haruhi refusing to use the easier way, and Kimidori-san barely being able to keep up with the former's constant barrage of the legendary sword. A curious predicament, I would call this if I were the kind to frequent understatements. As the squabble continued, a very important notion occurred to me. Had it been our Haruhi fighting, she probably would have finished this a long time ago, citing such things as "giving it 110 percent" or "going all-out", for such simple reasons as "it would be unfair for the other party, which would expect me to give all I have", or perhaps "unfair for me, as I stoop down to her level when I don't have to". Yes, if it were our Haruhi in those shoes right now, Kimidori-san wouldn't stand a chance.

Then again, if it were our Haruhi who had become self-aware, then this whole problem would be so much worse...

"_Soryaaaaaa_!" Out of the blue, Saber Haruhi switched from parrying to a high-powered strike, a very risky move, if I were to gauge it, but one that nevertheless served its purpose by catching Kimidori-san off guard. Excalibur broke through the Interface's attacking scimitar and would have cut her head clean off, if she hadn't blocked with the other one. But it wasn't over yet.

As a quick follow-up to the surprise, Saber Haruhi drove a powerful kick into Kimidori-san's solar plexus and sent her crashing into the the frozen river. Seizing on the opportunity, the cosplayer dashed off to the bank and drew her sword back for a finishing blow of some kind. The blade began to glow like a Gundam's buster cannon charging up for a full-powered shot. "EX..." Saber Haruhi swung the weapon downward, "CALIBUR!" the sword unleashing a golden energy beam of some kind that headed straight for Kimidori-san, who was still recovering from having broken through the thin ice and getting herself drenched in near-zero degree water. _Not that cold is actually an issue, but..._

The senior raised her right hand to face the incoming death ray, chanting a quick coding incantation to generate a repulsion field to absorb the sheer firepower.

Saber Haruhi smirked. "It's gonna take a lot more than a cheap data blockade to stop that!" The beam intensified as she said this, and I could hear the crackling of the shield as it strained under the overwhelming force of the attack. It was probably going to break soon, and as a normal person, I couldn't do anything about it! For the first time in awhile, I cursed my lack of any special abilities.

Wait a minute... what am I talking about? Haruhi is focused on destroying Kimidori-san... she has her back turned to me... I can try to tackle her and-

Maybe I'd dilly-dallied for too long. Maybe I spent too much time thinking of what to do, or maybe simply too much time being stupid and watching without considering my options. I've really blown it this time. The repulsion field gave way, and as the blast subsided, I saw Kimidori-san lying in a crater at the riverbed, unmoving and badly hurt; she was bleeding in several places. Curiously, instead of flowing into the hole to drown her, the water was flowing _around_ the crater, giving a perfect view of the sordid sight.

I should've known Haruhi would pull something like this. She flicked her hair, and before I knew it, she was standing in the crater, towering over the severely weakened Kimidori-san, who even now was already trying to move again. "And so the spoils go to the victor." She raised her sword for the killing blow, "Any last words?"

Kimidori-san weakly shook her head and pointed behind her enemy. My eyes widened as I followed her finger. _Something_ was glowing back there. I couldn't tell just what it was. The best I could describe it as was that it appeared to be a... 'slit of light', floating in the air like the malevolent Eye of Sauron, staring daggers into Saber Haruhi's back. Strangely familiar, yet I don't remember ever seeing it before.

Saber Haruhi didn't seem to pay attention to that, or rather, probably didn't even notice Kimidori-san's pointing, until it was too late. The next thing I knew, a shard of some sort had shot out of the slit and impaled Saber Haruhi through the chest. Her expression immediately changed from a smug, victorious grin to one that you could expect to find on somebody who came home to find her entire family slaughtered with their guts strewn around the living room... how morbid of me... A few more spikes were fired from the slit and pierced her torso in several places. I'm vaguely reminded of what Asakura did to Nagato during their battle before realizing that she was getting deleted, but there were certainly more spikes here than there were there. If it weren't for the fact that, subjectively speaking, Haruhi was the antagonist of this particular scene, I wouldn't have had any problem if some dramatic death scene music started playing right about now. Everything about this picture was just shouting for something like that. It could be choirical, piano, violin, hell, even full blown orchestral! I was even seeing the whole thing in slow motion, apparently...

Excalibur fell and embedded itself into the crater bed as her arms went limp. Saber Haruhi, with a look on her face that mirrored that on the late General Mäes Hughes when he was shot by a doppleganger of his wife, collapsed into a heap next to Kimidori-san. In the meantime, the latter finally managed to get up and began to heal any injuries she had sustained. But... where had that slit and those spikes come from? Had Kimidori-san already prepared it beforehand and spent all of her energy or something in doing so, which is why she seemed to be having such a hard time fighting the other Haruhi?

"Emiri Kimidori needed to use all of her combat data and programming factors to effectively engage with Haruhi Suzumiya in melee combat," said a familiar voice from behind me. "The penetrator application was of my design."

"Nagato?" I turned around to see a very welcome face in this eerie world. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough..."

"I see..." Oh, great. Now _I'm_ saying that too! Wait a minute. Nagato just finished the fight by employing a sneak attack from the rear, riddling the other Haruhi with more than half a dozen spikes. Does that mean she...

"Haruhi Suzumiya has altered her core information so that she has become capable of continued existence despite physical expiration," Nagato started walking in the direction of her apartment. I followed, of course, and soon, I began to hear footsteps behind me, possibly Kimidori-san. "She is not deceased. We have merely halted her activities... temporarily."

"So she'll be back?"

"Yes."

Nagato silently led us through the snow-covered pathway of the grey space, and eventually, to a similar slit floating right inside the apartment building's gate. The opening was larger, however, and I could actually see what was on the other side – color, and lights. We were home free.

I felt no strange sensation as I stepped through the crack and went after the interface into the elevator. I was rather surprised when I saw the lobby clock read 5:31PM. For the longest time, I'd sworn that I spent hours in that place, running around after ghostly music and being treated to an IMAX 3D special edition version of the Recollections of Haruhi Suzumiya or something.

"The alternate space is tangent to the primary progression of time, and exists solely within a point zero three two five second time plane." Nagato said matter-of-factly as we entered her room.

"Meaning...?"

"Regardless of the length of time spent inside, the maximum amount of time that will pass outside is point zero three two five seconds."

Eternity in a moment, eh?

She paused, almost as if thinking of something else that needed to be added, "Similar to how the flow of time inside the Snowy Mansion alternate space fluctuated radically within certain areas of its structure."

I was suddenly reminded of that grisly little incident we'd had back then. Nagato really pulled one out for us at that time, and using those illusions to carve out a Hindu-Arabic numeral of four was a very creative way of dropping us a hint. "That reminds me... who _was_ responsible for the Snowy Mountain incident?"

"The Macrospatial Quantum Cosmic Existence."

Oh great... another multiple-word term. I think I'll leave it at that for now, seeing as we have more pressing matters to take care of at the moment. I changed the subject. "Nagato, about 'Scribe'."

"It is recommended that we complete the solving of its physical avatar's puzzle." Like a ghost that I had completely forgotten about, Kimidori-san spoke up from behind me before joining Nagato up front.

I'm guessing you also knew about my meeting with Asahina-san (big) then?

"Mikuru Asahina's temporal divergence variant had notified us of a planned meeting between you two." That was Nagato, who, immediately after saying so, left for the kitchen, probably to steep us some tea or something.

"That sort of makes me wonder why it took you so long," I didn't mean to complain, and yeah, time flows differently in that grey space, but I had absolutely no idea how they handled that particular issue, anyway...

"Temporal realignment was necessary," Kimidori-san explained as she led me to sit at the table... this place was as bleakly empty as ever. "Along with several other factors that had to be considered to ensure were could properly access the firewall. Furthermore, the firewall that Haruhi Suzumiya's 738th Temporal Variant had set up was of the Class Eta-Sixteen," she paused upon seeing the look of confusion on my face, and perhaps considered rephrasing her statement to make it less... techy. "An ultra-high-level firewall that, regardless of programming skill and efficiency, cannot be penetrated by a brute force attack. We had to consult with our earlier records of Haruhi Suzumiya's psychological activities to help determine the password before access could be granted; which we achieved after 631,759 tries."

That's 631,759 different words, numbers, or combinations of both, fished out of Haruhi's head. Even to these guys who reprogram games while playing, that must have been quite a task. "And dare I ask, what was the password?"

"'Brad Pitt'," Nagato said as she returned with a tray of tea cups and a pot.

My eyebrow arched at that. Brad... Pitt? The only logical explanation came to mind. "_I got it from that Brad Pitt movie!"_ Haruhi's claim from that 'date' echoed in my head repeatedly until I dumbed myself down. It was a euphemism for John Smith. Nagato poured each of us a cup and sat down to take the first sip. My guess is that some things will have to be done right here, right now... like the solving of a certain Rubik's Cube.

"Emiri Kimidori's puzzle-solving skills have also been disabled."

Nagato, your ability to predict words before they even take shape in my head is truly admirable! No wonder this girl became the class fortune teller at the last festival! Wait... that means...

"You will have to solve the puzzle of 'Scribe' by yourself."

I sighed in defeat at the fact, and took the little cube out of my pocket. This was such a pain. Still, it wasn't like Nagato and Kimidori-san weren't trying to help me. It's just that at the moment, they _couldn't_. Resigning myself to this fate, I began to work on the little toy. Suffice to say, I hadn't really thought of a good strategy for getting all the like-colored squares together, and was just randomly twisting it around in the general direction of which side was closest to getting solved. It had to be some divine joke of some sort that the fate of an infinite number of timelines rested in the hands of somebody who couldn't even properly solve the puzzle that unlocks the ultimate key of its survival!

The two interfaces could only stare blankly at me (or my work, whichever was apparently more interesting) as I stressed and fussed over the annoying handy plastic construct. The next time I checked, it was already past seven. This daunting task was extremely time-consuming, it seemed. A few times I had considered just throwing in the towel and chucking the goddamn puzzle at the wall, but I knew better than that. This thing was just so frustrating! How do those cube masters on TV do this in a matter of seconds, anyway!? Is there some kind of secret technique or general rule when it comes to solving Rubik's Cubes? I would _love_ to know that right now!

The next thing I heard was the heavy thud of a book hitting the table. My constant turning stopped at that, as I examined the cover and followed the hands that held it up to the owner. I smiled.

"I checked it out of the library this afternoon," Nagato said, "In the assumption that you were going to have difficulty in solving the puzzle."

You mind telling me why you only brought it out now, then?

"You never asked for assistance until now."

A dumbfounded look etched itself onto my face as I realized that it was indeed my fault. I could imagine a large sweat drop on the side of my head, too, and maybe some other anime-like qualities that made me comically look like I'd lost an argument, which, technically, I did... Nagato earned more of my personal applause for taking the initiative and thinking ahead of time for the sake of this mission. Though not even the highly advanced humanoid data entity interfaces are perfect, and as a likewise imperfect human being, I can't blame her for not giving it to me despite my evident irritation at this damn conundrum. She probably thought I was letting myself go and displaying pointless emotions over something that I had apparently had control of. Regardless, guessing about what goes on in Nagato's head and reading her emotions are two entirely different things, and I'd rather not delve into the former for fear of being terribly mistaken.

Sighing at yet another defeat for today, I calmly opened the book and checked the table of contents. It was a thick hardback, to say the least, and Nagato would probably have a blast reading about primitive human puzzle solving methods and laughing at how stupid we are for having such pathetic techniques. The book started with the introduction to a Rubik's Cube, then went on to explain the parts... even if I read this completely, I probably wouldn't be able to understand it, plus, we didn't exactly have the luxury of time on our hands. I skipped all the basics and moved over to the portion that listed solutions and the like... Oh, hell, I can't even understand what these terms mean! Where's the glossary on this thing?

I flipped back to the table of contents and tapped a finger on the page number, before turning the book to that particular destination. To my shock and horror, the glossary pages had all been torn out. Damn you, Haruhi! Damn you and your abnormally superior foresight! They say that God does not play dice. Knowing Haruhi, though, she practically takes a lot of risks by going through all sorts of crazy escapades and yet still somehow manages to come out on top. Taking into context the Agency's perspective of that girl who sits behind me and substituting that definition in the late great Einstein's quote, it is evident that this certain god in fact, _does _play dice. The problem is, she never seems to lose... This would of course, infer that her dice are loaded, which brings us back to our current quandary. I turned back to Nagato. "Is this the only copy?"

"Yes."

Well that's just great... how am I supposed to understand all this Rubik's Cube technobabble now?

"Context clues."

Is that some kind of joke? The discussion from the other day came to mind, when I asked her to just refer to the other Haruhi as she would normally refer to ours. Nagato shook her head in the way she usually did, only slightly moving, by but a few millimeters. You're actually serious about having me read the context clues? A slight tilt in her head. That was the equivalent of a nod. This would be... the third sigh of defeat in the last two hours. While sighing isn't exactly a bad thing by itself, the more defeated sighs you let out, the more surrenders and, generally, defeats, are marked of you. Which means that I've lost three times to one thing or another. "Here's an idea... maybe you could explain the terms for me?"

Nagato cocked her head to the side, as if contemplating my words. I have to say, with such a blank expression on her face, it's rather cute. "It's possible."

Another hole in the other Haruhi's preparations, apparently. Heh. Looks like she's not as all-knowing or all-prepared as we first thought. And from the looks of things, her plans are slowly falling apart. Why else would she make such a direct attempt to acquire 'Scribe' for herself? She's getting desperate, and she knows it!

I spent the next hour or so reading several solution pages with Nagato ever so helpfully explaining the puzzle and cube-related jargon to me. After spending the hour after that rereading and comprehending (I felt like I was cramming...), I finally set the thick hardback down on the table and breathed a sigh of relief. See? I told you. Sighs aren't bad per se, it just depends on what kind of sigh you let out! I took a few minutes to rest my eyes and look around. In the distance, the city's night life went on as usual, completely unaware of what was lurking in the shadows of pocket dimensions and an average public high school. On one side of the table, Kimidori-san continued to silently stare at me as she drank from her nth cup of tea. The room was still as bleak as it used to be, save for the addition of a notebook computer, and some rolled-up games we'd played during the winter break. I had to note, though, that Nagato was certainly learning to decorate. That was more stuff than what was here when I first dropped by. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she draped a curtain with pleasantly done designs over the window sometime.

Eyes fully rested, I picked up the cube once again and began to turn. As with any typical function in life, applying theories to practical forms was much easier said than done. I started struggling with which side to roll and where, but eventually, I learned to relate what I'd read to what I was doing. Quarter turns here, face turns there... The book mentioned the existence of a position requiring twenty face turns to solve, while in the meantime, there exists a solution that can always solve the problem in twenty-six face turns. This is already marked as optimal by human standards for now, as it is the most recent development in Rubik's Cube solving. To think that we had over thirty years to come up with the 'perfect' solution, and yet this is the farthest we've gotten. Not to worry. I'm sure that at the rate of human development, we'll someday be able to make better ones!

Though I'm not too sure about how close we can possibly come to attaining the so-called 'God's Algorithm', basically the ultimate in optimal solutions. Based on the given that an omniscient being like a god would always know the best way to solve a puzzle, it could be inferred that 'God' would always go for the most efficient path, and that is, solving a puzzle in the least possible number of moves. In any case, with this new broadened perspective on the Rubik's Cube, I eventually managed to get maybe two faces solved before winding up in another hitch. I guess that's what was so entertaining about these damn things. You find dead ends ever so often and look for alternate routes, and have fun doing it... which was retarded. Nevertheless, I found myself being a hypocrite, as, despite my previous comment, I was actually starting to enjoy it...

In a nutshell, it took me about an hour to _finally_ solve this damn Rubik's Cube, and I was thankful for that. And just as I did, the center square on the white face began to blink with a bright red light. What the hell? In a few seconds, it disappeared. I turned it around until I finally found it on a corner of the green side just before it vanished again. Chances are, it's probably moving around on the surface of the cube like a teleporter or something. And from the number of shifts I've seen so far, I would say it has a three to ten second range of delay between moving. I stared intently at the blinking red light on one of the sides of the blue face. If my hunch is right, then... dammit. It's been fifteen seconds already. I waited. And waited... Fifteen minutes later, the light _finally_ vanished, probably somewhere on another side of the puzzle.

So this red light is the location of 'Saber' then?

"Yes." Kimidori-san nodded.

Okay... a topic that I had recently forgotten of thanks to the intensity of focus needed to solve puzzles resurfaced. "So what, now you two have joined forces or something?" I looked at the pair of interfaces as they returned my gaze with their blank stares.

"Emiri Kimidori is from a different school of thought than myself," Nagato was the first to speak. "However, due to circumstances beyond our control, that is, the severance of our contact with the Integrated Data Entity, we have been forced to calculate and execute operational procedures independently of higher supervision, virtually eliminating any prior coordination we possessed."

"Which means…" I had little to no idea of what she was talking about. Though if I had to guess, that probably means they're like an army without any communications gear. On the practical side, one interface could just as easily carpet bomb another by accident, because they can't talk to each other… scary though, considering interfaces have magnitudes more firepower than a B-52.

"We cannot properly perform our designated tasks."

Ah…

"Our first priority is to restore our connection with the Integrated Data Entity," Kimidori-san explained, as if I didn't see that coming. "Once this is achieved, we will be able to resume standard operations. However, in order to accomplish this, we must first eliminate the cause of the severance." She looked at the blinking Rubik's Cube in my hand. Honestly, stop looking at it like a Knight of the Round Table would at the Holy Grail! "And that end necessitates the location and activation of 'Saber'."

Time to go hunting, then… The issue, of course, is decoding this whole puzzle. I mean, not solving the cube, I've obviously already done that, but figuring out what represents what. 'Scribe' is a kind of treasure map, right? The red blinking light is obviously 'Saber', while the cube itself is the represented map. The problem is, I have no idea how to read the cube. What does it even represent? The school? The city?

The aliens shook their heads simultaneously, in the exact same manner. If I didn't know any better, I would say they choreographed this and were actually doing some kind of funny dance.

"It is best that we solve the conundrum of the nature of the coordinate plane algorithm and its denoted variables as soon as possible."

Can't argue with you on that light, Nagato... At the moment, though... I checked my watch. "I still have to go to school tomorrow."

"That is true." The interfaces looked at each other, and then back at me. So this is how they communicate? It's creepy, to say the least. Bothering, certainly.

Kimidori-san stepped forward. "I will escort you home."

TBC...

AN: Holy crap... I managed to finish it. Huzzah! Well, this chapter at least. That was a certainly long flashback, wasn't it? This out of order stuff is really getting to me... Sorry for any confusion. XD But yeah. I've got lots of schoolwork ahead of me once again, so expect a... later... update than before. Ho boy. In the meantime, a little something to have you hoping. Not sure if this will be in the next chapter, or the chapter after that. My outlines tend to be very vague and thus one detail/scene for one chapter may be moved to another one. So yeah... don't forget to review!

A pair of black plane-like... things... flew past both flanks of the taxi, accompanied by the sound of a high-pitched wailing. "Holy shit!" Mori-san exclaimed in shock. They were sleek, with rounded edges, seemed to just float without any visible form of propulsion, and resembled a certain vehicle from a certain FPS game for the X-Box. Particularly the stick-like wings that were angled downward. She turned to Asahina-san (big). "You mind telling me what the _hell_ those things were? And 'Classified Information' doesn't count either!"

Asahina-san (big) seemed rather shaken. Obviously, since that crazy Russian had dared to bring in what I guess to be future technology into the twenty-first century. That would be a serious violation of protocol, considering all this 'Classified Information' ruckus. That meant, of course, that Brezhnev was decided on getting his hands on 'Scribe', for whatever reason the enemy had. "ACV-11 Siren – it's an unmanned military vehicle controlled by an advanced piloting AI, the equivalent of an Apache Longbow on this time plane."

The Agency officer grabbed Asahina-san (big) by her collar, showing a threatening face that was even scarier than Haruhi's. Hey, you keep your hands off her, you- "Can it, kid! This is a _very_ serious situation we're in right now, if you haven't noticed! Arakawa! Go for evasive driving!"

The driver nodded and shifted gears. The cab accelerated, pushing the six of us into our seats. Nagato and Kimidori-san remained as indifferent as ever, and the same could be said for Arakawa, who I doubt would ever show any sign of intense emotion, while Asahina-san (big) and I yelped at the sudden speed increase. Mori-san seemed too preoccupied to even care. "You're telling me that your traitor has a pair of futuristic _gunships_ on our asses!?"

While I would love to beat the crap out of that maid for even touching Asahina-san in that way, I couldn't help but feel somewhat inclined to understand why she was in such a state of panic. Nobody ever said that Brezhnev was going to call in the cavalry. The Agency probably didn't even have anything to counter weapons of such a designation.

Asahina-san (big) nodded.

"What're the armaments?"

If I had to give an educated guess, I would probably say some kind of beam gun or another.

The beautiful time traveler shook her head. "No... Mk IV Data Disintegrators."

Okay, let's pretend I don't know what those are...

"The technical specifics are highly classified. To put it simply, though, I'll make a comparison: The aliens like Nagato-san and Kimidori-san manipulate data in order to change the environment. What do you think happens to the environment when Mk IV's _disintegrate_ data?"


End file.
